{"id":9692,"date":"2020-06-24T23:57:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-25T03:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9692"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:40:28","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:40:28","slug":"how-to-disagree-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-disagree-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Disagree: The Complete Guide to Arguments"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

In your daily conversations, do you ever wonder how to disagree? And do you want to know how to disagree respectfully?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

During crucial conversations, it’s normal to have some disagreements. But learning how to disagree, and how to disagree respectfully, is an essential skill that is often overlooked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Disagree<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Exploring another\u2019s path (facts, story, feelings) when you disagree substantially can be unsettling. But knowing how to disagree, or agree to disagree, is a valuable communication skill. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember, you\u2019re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with or support it. By making an effort to understand it, you\u2019re agreeing to accept it as part of the pool of information; later you can share your point of view too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So you explore what others think in order to understand why they\u2019re feeling and behaving as they are. This is how you will learn how to handle disagreements, and become a much better communicator. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember the ABC’s<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When you’re figuring out how to disagree, remember that it’s not about you being right. When it\u2019s your turn to talk, and your story differs a lot from what you just heard, use these three skills. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Agree: <\/strong>Don\u2019t argue when you agree \u2014 just agree. Sometimes when people argue strenuously, they\u2019re arguing over nuances.<\/strong> They actually agree on the important points. Most arguments are about the 5% to 10% of the facts and stories that people disagree on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although people eventually need to work through all their differences, you shouldn\u2019t start with the nuances, but with an area of agreement. If you completely agree with the other person\u2019s path, say so and move on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Build: <\/strong>Look for points of agreement, and talk about those first. Then build by adding information that has been left out<\/strong>. (\u201cI agree completely. In addition, I noticed that\u2026\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of building on what we agree on, we tend to immediately jump on small points of disagreement, which we magnify<\/strong>. We learn from an early age to look for minor errors. In school, we learn that finding even the smallest errors in others\u2019 facts or thinking wins praise and admiration from teachers and peers. Being right at the expense of others becomes a competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of constructive dialogue, you end up in \u201cviolent agreement,\u201d or arguing strenuously even though you mostly agree.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Compare: <\/strong>When you do disagree, compare your path<\/a> with the other person\u2019s. Don\u2019t suggest they\u2019re wrong, suggest that you differ<\/strong>. The person may in fact be wrong, but you can\u2019t be sure until you understand both sides \u2014 you just know that you differ.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of starting with \u201cWrong!\u201d, start with a tentative but honest, \u201cI think I see things differently. Let me explain.\u201d Then share your path using STATE skills. (Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for others\u2019 paths, Talk tentatively, Encourage testing.) Agree to disagree: this isn’t about you being right. It’s about building understanding. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Disagree: Don’t Go Overboard<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

You can get into trouble by pushing your point of view too hard. It gets heated and you feel you have to win. Others resist, argue, or retreat into silence, so you push harder. In the end, no one is listening, and nothing is added to the pool of information. Knowing how to disagree respectfully can help you get back on course. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s how things go wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  • You feel you\u2019re right. <\/strong>When you push your ideas on others, it\u2019s generally because you feel you\u2019re right and they\u2019re wrong. You feel there\u2019s no need to expand the pool of information because you have the answer.<\/li>
  • You feel justified in using verbal tricks. <\/strong>You stack the deck with supporting information, leaving out any contrary information; or you exaggerate or use inflammatory language. But the more forceful you become, the more resistance you generate.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    How to Change<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Maybe you’re not concerned with how to disagree. Maybe you just want to convince someone. While that’s tempting, keep in mind that the idea of “agree to disagree” can build a much more valuable conversation. When you feel compelled to convince others that your way is best: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    • Stop.<\/li>
    • Think about what you really want. Ask yourself, how you should behave to achieve what you want.<\/li>
    • Use your STATE skills
      • Share your facts<\/li>
      • Tell your story<\/li>
      • Ask for others\u2019 paths<\/li>
      • Talk tentatively<\/li>
      • Encourage testing<\/li><\/ul><\/li>
      • Monitor conditions: <\/strong>Notice when people start to resist. Notice what you\u2019re doing \u2014 for instance, leaning forward, getting louder, filibustering, etc. The more strongly you feel, the more likely you are to go overboard.<\/li>
      • Tone it down: <\/strong>Open your mind to the idea that others might have something relevant to say and ask them for their views. This isn\u2019t easy\u2014 backing off when you feel strongly is counterintuitive, but passion can work against you.<\/li>
      • Stop yourself: <\/strong>When you start to feel frustrated that others aren\u2019t getting it, be aware you\u2019re on an unproductive path and back off. Hold onto your belief but moderate your approach.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        Learning how to disagree can be challenging in high-stakes crucial conversations. But knowing how to handle disagreements is a skill that you’ll need in order to have productive communications. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        In your daily conversations, do you ever wonder how to disagree? And do you want to know how to disagree respectfully? During crucial conversations, it’s normal to have some disagreements. But learning how to disagree, and how to disagree respectfully, is an essential skill that is often overlooked.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9704,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9692","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Disagree: The Complete Guide to Arguments - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you actually know how to disagree? 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