{"id":9690,"date":"2020-06-22T12:06:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-22T16:06:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9690"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:40:39","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:40:39","slug":"conversation-style-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conversation-style-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"What&#8217;s Your Conversation Style? Advice for Your Type"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is a conversation style? How does a conversation style alter how you talk about difficult topics or have crucial conversations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>During crucial conversations, conversation style can mean a significant difference in communication. But you can learn to take someone else&#8217;s conversation style into account, and learn to communicate better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Conversation Style: <strong>The Pool of Meaning<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>What is the &#8220;conversation style&#8221; definition? The conversation style definition is the choices people make in a conversation, whether it&#8217;s to hold back, depend on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\">body language<\/a>, or tend towards a fool&#8217;s choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Each of us brings to conversations our own feelings, ideas, and experiences. This information constitutes our personal pool of meaning, which drives our actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When people engage in a crucial conversation, they add their unique information to a shared pool of meaning. <\/strong>It\u2019s important that all opinions be reflected in the shared pool so the best quality decisions can be made. Everyone should feel comfortable contributing their information \u2014 even if it\u2019s unpopular or controversial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As people contribute, the shared pool of meaning expands to encompass more useful and more accurate information, and collectively they <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/make-better-decisions\/\">make better decisions<\/a>. Another way to look at it is, a pool of information reflects the group\u2019s IQ \u2014 the higher the IQ, the better the decisions.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A quality decision is the payoff for the time invested in sharing and discussion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Conversation Style 1: When People Hold Back<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When people withhold what they know either intentionally or because they don\u2019t know how to present it, the shared pool of information is shallow. This results in several problems:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>With incomplete information, groups can collectively do stupid things. <\/strong>For example, a woman entered the hospital for a tonsillectomy, but instead, the surgeon removed her foot. Others on the surgical team wondered why, but no one said anything for fear of angering the surgeon (a fool\u2019s choice). In all arenas, people tend to hold back their information rather than risk angering someone in power.<\/li><li><strong>When people aren\u2019t invested in the process, they\u2019re not committed to the final decision<\/strong>. They may passively resist or criticize. As the satirical author Samuel Butler put it: \u201cHe that complies against his will is of his own opinion still.\u201d<\/li><li><strong>If they don\u2019t know how to communicate, they act counterproductively, <\/strong>including silence, hints, sarcasm, playing the martyr, or pressuring others to accept their point of view by using tactics such as manipulation, monologues, or verbal attacks.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Conversation Style 2: When People Share Freely<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When people freely add to the shared pool of meaning:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>The collective knowledge increases a group\u2019s ability to make better decisions.<\/strong><\/li><li>People build on each others\u2019 ideas until they come up with an alternative no one previously thought of.<\/li><li><strong>The whole (final choice) is better than the sum of the parts.<\/strong><\/li><li>People are more likely to follow through on whatever decisions they make since the discussion was participatory.<\/li><li><strong>They\u2019re committed to the shared solution<\/strong> because they understand why it\u2019s the best one. The time invested in discussion up front results in more unified and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/act-committed-action\/\">committed action<\/a>. Conversely, when people are not unified and committed, implementation falls apart.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Making Conversations Work<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>For successful crucial conversations, we must:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Share our unique information.<\/li><li>Get others to share their information.<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/make-it-safe-crucial-conversations\/\">Make it safe<\/a> to discuss controversial matters.<\/li><li>Amass a shared pool of information.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Fortunately, <strong>dialogue skills are learnable<\/strong>. When you develop the skills to master crucial conversations you can transform them from upsetting events to productive discussions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The rest of the book explains how you can create conditions conducive to dialogue. You\u2019ll learn to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Identify your conversation style when stressed.<\/li><li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/control-your-emotions\/\">Control your emotions<\/a>.<\/li><li>Watch for and catch dialogue-ending problems before they get out of hand.<\/li><li>Create safe conditions for dialogue.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Express feedback respectfully.<\/li><li>Be persuasive, not off-putting.<\/li><li>Encourage people to share their views.<\/li><li>Transition from discussion to action.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Conversation style varies from person to person, and someone&#8217;s style can be as unique as they are. It&#8217;s best to learn to pay attention and stay tuned in to all possibilities. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Conversation Style: Dialogue is Powerful<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Many people make the mistake in crucial conversations of believing they have to make unpalatable either\/or choices, for instance, 1) choose between telling the truth about a problem vs. 2) staying silent to preserve a relationship with a boss, coworker, or loved one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Believing you have only two problematic alternatives to choose from is a fool\u2019s choice. <\/strong>There are always more alternatives. You can discover these by thinking carefully about your own conversation style definition, and why it matters. Do you tend to make the fool&#8217;s choice? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We\u2019ve all made the fool\u2019s choice to not say anything about issues with bosses, family, and friends. The consequences can be unfortunate: In the workplace, it can lead to terrible decisions; in personal relationships, it can create misery when partners are afraid to speak up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s an example of how employee silence can affect a company. The leaders of a company are planning to move its headquarters for flawed reasons. If the employees make a fool\u2019s choice and fail to point out potential downsides for fear of retribution, company leaders will <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-decisive\/\">make a decision<\/a> with harmful future consequences and waste money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But there\u2019s another option: A manager can speak up honestly <em>and<\/em> also preserve the relationship by using dialogue skills to be persuasive and respectful. If she succeeds the leadership may listen and revise the moving plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Dialogue Replaces the Fool\u2019s Choice<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The key to successful conversations is getting all relevant information on the table.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When people express their opinions honestly, share their feelings, and articulate ideas \u2014 even if their ideas are controversial or unpopular \u2014 the result is <strong>dialogue, the free exchange of meaning or information<\/strong>.<strong>&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Each of us brings to conversations our own feelings, ideas, and experiences. This information constitutes our personal pool of meaning, which drives our actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When people engage in a crucial conversation, they add their unique information to a shared pool of meaning. <\/strong>It\u2019s important that all opinions be reflected in the shared pool so the best quality decisions can be made. Everyone should feel comfortable contributing their information \u2014 even if it\u2019s unpopular or controversial.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Understanding someone&#8217;s conversation style can make a huge difference in the result of a crucial conversation. While there are many universal tips and best practices for crucial conversations, knowing and adapting to conversation style also plays an important role. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is a conversation style? How does a conversation style alter how you talk about difficult topics or have crucial conversations? During crucial conversations, conversation style can mean a significant difference in communication. But you can learn to take someone else&#8217;s conversation style into account, and learn to communicate better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9701,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9690","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>What&#039;s Your Conversation Style? 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Know your conversation style to become a better communicator.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conversation-style-crucial-conversations\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-22T16:06:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-28T23:40:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/conversation-style-crucial-conversations-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conversation-style-crucial-conversations\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conversation-style-crucial-conversations\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Carrie Cabral\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/2ababb7c63a94ff5d2190f71dc417d56\"},\"headline\":\"What&#8217;s Your Conversation Style? 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