{"id":9674,"date":"2020-06-26T11:42:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-26T15:42:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9674"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:39:44","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:39:44","slug":"when-to-apologize","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-to-apologize\/","title":{"rendered":"When to Apologize: Advice for Moving Forward"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How do you know when to apologize? Is there a way to know if you should apologize during a crucial conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Knowing when to apologize is hard, and even the best communicators struggle with knowing when to apologize and how. During crucial conversations, apologies can be necessary to keep the conversation on track.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

When to Apologize: To Make the Content Safe<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve all been part of conversations in which we didn\u2019t feel safe to say what was on our mind. This chapter explains what to do to fix that, and when to apologize for creating an unsafe environment. It also goes over when not to apologize in a relationship. The basic steps in brief are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Step away from the content of the conversation.<\/li>
  2. Determine whether mutual purpose<\/a> or mutual respect is at risk.<\/li>
  3. Restore safety by restoring mutual purpose or respect (Use skills: apologize, contrast, rebuild mutual purpose; or, if you don\u2019t already have a mutual purpose, create one using CRIB: Commit, Respect, Invent, Brainstorm).<\/li>
  4. Rejoin the conversation: Return to the issue at hand.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    But when should you apologize? Here\u2019s a look at each step in detail, and a breakdown of <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When to Apologize: To Ensure Mutual Purpose and Respect<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    One example of when to apologize is when you lose track of the conversation. Maybe it even gets derailed by a debate over when not to apologize in a relationship. Once you step away from the content of a conversation, there are three skills you can use to restore either mutual purpose or mutual respect: apologize, contrast, create a mutual purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Apologize if Warranted <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    When your behavior has made others doubt your respect or commitment to the shared purpose<\/a>, offer a sincere apology. If you made a mistake that hurt others, express your regret.<\/strong> To be sincere<\/a>, your motives have to change: You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want. When you sacrifice your ego<\/a>, you\u2019ll get something more important \u2014 productive dialogue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    If your apology has helped restore safety, you can then explain what happened, then return to the original issue. If it hasn\u2019t, you\u2019ll have to draw on other dialogue skills (more on that in a moment). This is a great example of the answer to when should you apologize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Example: Apology<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    A company\u2019s employees worked extra hours on a presentation for a visiting vice president. But when the VP arrived, the employees\u2019 manager monopolized the visit without introducing her to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    After the visit, employees reacted angrily. Before anything else could be accomplished, the manager needed to apologize for causing hurt and disrespect, by not sharing the change in plans. Then he could explain what happened: the VP had presented a plan detrimental to the company and its employees, and the manager had spent the visit persuading her to revamp it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Use Contrasting to Apologize<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Sometimes when you\u2019re sharing your views in crucial conversations, others believe unjustifiably that you\u2019re out to harm or coerce them. You shouldn\u2019t<\/em> apologize because you haven\u2019t done anything wrong – this would be disingenuous. To rebuild mutual purpose\/mutual respect when others misinterpret your purpose<\/a> or intent, you can use the skill of contrasting when you’re learning when to apologize. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Contrasting is a two-part don\u2019t\/do statement <\/strong>that assures others that you respect them and clarifies your purpose. You explain what you don\u2019t<\/em> want, followed by what you do<\/em> want.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Contrasting works this way (using the example of the manager explaining the VP visit to employees):<\/p>\n\n\n\n