{"id":9673,"date":"2020-06-25T11:53:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-25T15:53:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9673"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:40:21","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:40:21","slug":"goldilocks-test-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/goldilocks-test-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"The Goldilocks Test\u2014The \u201cJust Right\u201d Approach to Tough Talks"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the Goldilocks test? What does it have to do with crucial conversations? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Goldilocks test is just what it sounds like\u2014like the story, your method of communication shouldn’t be too hard, or too soft. It should be just right. Keep reading for tips on adjusting your communication approach, and examples of how to use the Goldilocks test. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How Do You Use the Goldilocks Test?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

What is the Goldilocks test? You may have heard of it applied to other things, but the Goldilocks test works for crucial conversations, too. You can use it at any time to test how you’re approaching a conversation, and how the other person is perceiving you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your presentation should be neither too hard nor too soft, but just right. For example, if someone insists on telling you how to do something, don\u2019t say: \u201cI\u2019m not stupid, you know.\u201d (too hard) or \u201cI know I\u2019m a klutz, but\u2026\u201d (too soft). Instead, say: \u201cI\u2019m starting to feel like you don\u2019t trust me. Is that what\u2019s happening?\u201d (just right).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talk Tentatively<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Once you use the Goldilocks test to determine the state of your conversation, your next steps are to figure out how to change your approach, and what might help. Let’s say the Goldilocks test told you to soften your message. Here’s how talking tentatively can help. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019ll get people to listen if you describe both your facts and stories in a tentative, non-dogmatic way. <\/strong>Speaking tentatively means telling your story as a story, not presenting it as an incontrovertible fact. For example, start with phrases indicating you\u2019re sharing an opinion, not asserting a fact: \u201cIn my opinion…\u201d, or \u201cI\u2019m beginning to wonder whether\u2026\u201d (rather than, \u201cThe fact is\u2026\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s obvious to me that…\u201d).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking tentatively also means sharing in a way that shows confidence in your conclusions, but that also suggests you\u2019re open to challenges.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You soften the message because you\u2019re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it on people<\/strong>. If you\u2019re overly assertive, your information won\u2019t be accepted (won\u2019t make it into the pool).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In fact, when talking with people holding opposite opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant they\u2019ll be. Speaking in absolutes decreases your influence. Conversely, the more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being tentative isn\u2019t manipulative<\/strong>. You\u2019re tentative because your opinions may not be totally accurate or your information may be incomplete. At the same time, you shouldn\u2019t pretend to be less confident than you are. Just be aware that your observations and stories could be flawed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Adjusting to the Goldilocks Test: Share Your Stories<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

On the other hand, the Goldilocks test may have told you that you need to share more information. Here’s how sharing your stories and stating your path<\/a> can help you express yourself, and get a handle on what you need to say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharing your point of view when you have something difficult to say isn\u2019t easy, but you can learn to do it successfully. Remember, it\u2019s important that everyone\u2019s information, no matter how controversial, be included in the shared pool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most conversations start on autopilot with friendly small talk, but in high-stakes conversations, your emotions kick in and you don\u2019t do as well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to sharing touchy information:<\/p>\n\n\n\n