{"id":9671,"date":"2020-06-27T11:38:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-27T15:38:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9671"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:39:33","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:39:33","slug":"body-language-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Body Language and You: How to Control a Conversation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is body language? What can <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> tell us about body language, and how it affects our conversations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Body language is just as important as verbal communication. Your body language and that of the person you&#8217;re talking to can change the conversation\u2014keep reading to find out how to control your body language and listen to other peoples&#8217; body language in <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Control Your Emotions<\/strong> and Your Body Language<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>By learning to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/control-your-emotions\/\">control your emotions<\/a>, you\u2019ll be in a better position to use the tools discussed so far (dual processing, contrasting, creating <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-purpose-crucial-conversations\/\">mutual purpose<\/a>, etc.) to have successful crucial conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Getting a better understanding of how emotions work is the first step. When we lose our cool we tend to blame others for pushing our buttons or making us mad. But we\u2019re the drivers of our emotions, which in turn drive our actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Emotions don\u2019t just happen. Here are two truths about them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Emotions aren\u2019t forced upon you by others. Others don\u2019t make you mad; you make yourself mad. <strong>You create your own emotions<\/strong> \u2014 you make yourself angry, insulted, or frustrated.<\/li><li>Once you\u2019ve created your emotions, you can do one of two things: Rethink them or be driven by them to act in unproductive ways. To put it another way, <strong>you either control your emotions, or you\u2019ll be controlled by them<\/strong>.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s an example of how emotions can lead to unproductive behavior. Maria is a copywriter who worked with her boss, Louis, on a project, which they were supposed to present jointly. But Louis presented the entire project himself without giving Maria a chance to speak. She\u2019s angry and resentful, and she feels betrayed. Nonetheless, she doesn\u2019t want to come across as oversensitive, so she doesn\u2019t tell Louis she\u2019s upset. Instead, she erupts occasionally with sarcasm (masking) and cheap shots (avoiding), which is jeopardizing their working relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Maria\u2019s story illustrates some of the pitfalls of not controlling your emotions. If you don\u2019t control your emotions, matters will get worse. On the other hand, if you suppress them, they\u2019ll still surface, for instance through sarcasm or body language. Either way, you\u2019re being held hostage or driven by your emotions, which makes conversation impossible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Listen<\/strong> to Other People<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>To encourage others to share, use four listening tools: Ask, mirror, paraphrase, prime (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-ampp\/\">AMPP<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">A: Ask<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ask to get things going: <\/strong>Often all it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand others\u2019 views. When you show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence\/violence. For example, use phrases like, \u201cWhat do you mean? I\u2019d like to hear your concerns.\u201d Other invitations include: \u201cWhat\u2019s going on?\u201d \u201cPlease let me know if you see it differently.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t worry about hurting my feelings; I really want to hear your thoughts.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">M: Mirror<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Mirror to confirm feelings: <\/strong>Mirroring can help build more safety. It consists of playing the role of mirror by describing to the person how they look or act. We see their actions and reflect them back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Mirroring is most useful when the other person\u2019s tone\/gestures are inconsistent with their words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, they may say, \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I\u2019m fine,\u201d when clearly they\u2019re not fine. A mirroring response would be, \u201cReally? It doesn\u2019t sound like you are.\u201d Explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his body language or tone belies it. For instance, \u201cYou look nervous about signing the contract. Are you sure you\u2019re OK with buying this car?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With your tone, convey that you\u2019re OK with them feeling the way they\u2019re feeling; respond calmly rather than being upset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">P: Paraphrase<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Paraphrase to acknowledge the story: <\/strong>When you get a clue for why the person is feeling the way they do, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you heard. Don\u2019t just parrot back what they say, but put the message in your own words in abbreviated form. For instance, \u201cLet\u2019s see if I\u2019ve got this right. You\u2019re upset because\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Don\u2019t react negatively. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable person could have concluded this. Rephrase in a way that suggests it\u2019s OK to speak, that you\u2019re trying to understand. You can use this time to reframe your body language in crucial conversations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">P: Prime<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Prime when you\u2019re still stalled: <\/strong>When you believe another person still has something to share and might do so with further encouragement, you can try <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/priming-meaning\/\">priming<\/a> the conversation. Offer a guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling, and she may respond. For example, \u201cAre you thinking that the only reason we\u2019re doing this is to make money?\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Don\u2019t Push Too Hard<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you can tell the other person has more to share, but isn\u2019t sharing it, you may want to back off. Repeated attempts to encourage sharing can feel like pushing. So end the conversation tactfully, or <strong>ask what they want to see happen.<\/strong> This question helps them move toward problem solving (away from silence\/violence).&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Body language in crucial conversations can be difficult to understand, and it can also be hard to control your own body language. Being aware of what you&#8217;re saying and how you&#8217;re coming across can help you have a much more productive conversation. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is body language? What can Crucial Conversations tell us about body language, and how it affects our conversations? Body language is just as important as verbal communication. Your body language and that of the person you&#8217;re talking to can change the conversation\u2014keep reading to find out how to control your body language and listen to other peoples&#8217; body language in Crucial Conversations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9676,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,24],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9671","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-society","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Body Language and You: How to Control a Conversation - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is body language? 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If you&#039;re going to have crucial conversations, you must understand body language\u2014both your own, and others.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2020-06-27T15:38:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2020-06-28T23:39:33+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/body-language-crucial-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1709\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Carrie Cabral\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Carrie Cabral\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/2ababb7c63a94ff5d2190f71dc417d56\"},\"headline\":\"Body Language and You: How to Control a Conversation\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-27T15:38:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:39:33+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\"},\"wordCount\":917,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/body-language-crucial-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Crucial Conversations\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Society\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\",\"name\":\"Body Language and You: How to Control a Conversation - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/06\/body-language-crucial-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2020-06-27T15:38:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2020-06-28T23:39:33+00:00\",\"description\":\"What is body language? 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