{"id":9652,"date":"2020-06-24T19:25:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-24T23:25:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9652"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:30:50","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:30:50","slug":"make-it-safe-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/make-it-safe-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"Make It Safe: 3 Steps to Leading Crucial Conversations"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is &#8220;make it safe&#8221; in <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em>? What does &#8220;make it safe&#8221; mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Make it safe in <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> refers to the process of ensuring that the conditions of a conversation are safe, and both parties can express themselves. But how do you make it safe? <em>Crucial Conversations<\/em> has the answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Make It Safe: Crucial Conversations and a Healthy Dialogue<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first prerequisite for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-dialogue-crucial-conversations\/\">healthy dialogue<\/a> is safety. You can\u2019t have constructive dialogue when people don\u2019t feel safe, because they start acting in unproductive ways and stop contributing their information to the shared pool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To maintain safety in a conversation, you must consider two elements: what is being discussed and what\u2019s happening in response \u2014 both the <em>content<\/em> and the <em>conditions<\/em> of the conversation. In crucial conversations, make it safe should be a priority. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most people focus on the content, but the conditions are equally important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>If conditions are safe, you can say almost anything and people will listen<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/li><li>If you\u2019re not afraid you\u2019re being attacked, you can hear almost anything and not become defensive. <strong>People rarely become defensive because of what you\u2019re saying (content), only when they don\u2019t feel safe.<\/strong><\/li><li><strong>You\u2019re receptive to potentially threatening feedback<\/strong> when you believe the other person has your best interests in mind and you respect their opinion. You trust their motives and don\u2019t feel a need to defend yourself. Conversely, if you don\u2019t feel safe, you can\u2019t take <em>any<\/em> feedback. You suspect even well-intentioned comments (\u201cWhat do you mean by saying I look good?\u201d).<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Nonetheless, it\u2019s easy to get caught up in the content and care so much about the subject that you don\u2019t notice what\u2019s happening to the dialogue<strong>,<\/strong> which can quickly become unproductive. For instance, you or someone else may be speaking too forcefully; others may feel threatened and shut down, or become increasingly forceful themselves. In crucial conversations, &#8220;make it safe&#8221; means it&#8217;s clear that this doesn&#8217;t work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You need to monitor both content (the topic) and conditions (what people are doing in response) simultaneously<\/strong>. Look at what and why: People are getting upset. Why is this happening?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The rest of this chapter focuses on how to monitor and maintain safe conditions for conversation, while Chapter 5 focuses on making the content safe (discussing difficult topics safely).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Make It Safe: Steps<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The steps to make it safe during crucial conversations are: <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Spot the turning point: Notice when the conversation becomes crucial.<\/li><li>Watch signs of a safety problem.<\/li><li>See if others are moving toward silence or violence.<\/li><li>Beware of reverting to your style under stress.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>1. Spot the Turning Point<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from harmless to crucial so you can avoid getting sidetracked by emotions and can intervene if others go off track. Reprogram your mind to pay attention to signs \u2014 physical, emotional, and behavioral \u2014 that suggest you\u2019re in a crucial conversation.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Physical: Your body sends signals \u2014 for instance, your face may flush or your shoulders may tense up. These are your cues to step back and remember your original purpose.<\/li><li>Emotional: You or others start to feel afraid, angry, or hurt. You begin to react to or suppress these feelings. These are cues to slow down.<\/li><li>Behavioral: People raise their voices or become quiet.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>2. Watch for Signs of a Safety Problem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you see that a conversation is starting to turn crucial, pay attention to safety: <strong>Watch for signs people are becoming fearful. <\/strong>When this happens they take a fight or flight response, and you&#8217;re no longer in a &#8220;make it safe&#8221; crucial conversations environment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Force their views on others (fight), for instance by talking over other people. They do this when they fear that people aren\u2019t buying into what they\u2019re saying.<\/li><li>Withhold their opinions for fear of being attacked (flight).<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>When people begin to feel unsafe, they may push, insult, be sarcastic, or make fun of you. While you should be thinking about how to make them feel safer, it\u2019s difficult when you feel under attack \u2014 you may get emotional and respond in kind (or withdraw). At this point, you\u2019re not dual-processing but becoming part of the problem as you get pulled into the fight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When your emotions start ratcheting up, your key <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-are-the-regions-of-the-brain\/\">brain functions<\/a> start shutting down<\/strong>. Your peripheral vision actually narrows \u2014 when you feel genuinely threatened you can\u2019t see much beyond what\u2019s right in front of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking at conditions objectively, you reengage your brain and your vision returns. <strong>When you give your brain a new problem, it functions better<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Reinterpret others\u2019 aggression as a sign they don\u2019t feel safe \u2014 be curious, rather than angry or fearful \u2014 and take steps to change the conditions of the conversation in order to reestablish the &#8220;make it safe&#8221; crucial conversations environment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>3. Look for Silence and Violence<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In order to make it safe in crucial conversations, there&#8217;s no room for unsafe behavior. When people resort to silence or violence \u2014 either withholding meaning or trying to force it on the shared pool \u2014 there are some common behaviors and tactics to look for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Silence<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Silence is any act to purposely withhold information from the pool of meaning. People usually go silent to avoid problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Behaviors include playing verbal games or avoiding a person entirely. But the most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Masking<\/strong>: Understating or selectively showing your true opinions using sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching. For example: \u201cOh, <em>sure<\/em>. <em>That\u2019ll<\/em> work like a charm.\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Avoiding<\/strong>: Steering completely away from sensitive subjects; you talk without addressing the real issues. For example, when someone asks how you like their outfit, you respond: \u201cWell, you know red\u2019s my favorite color.\u201d<\/li><li><strong>Withdrawing:<\/strong> Pulling out of a conversation; withdrawing or even leaving the room. For example, \u201cI just can\u2019t talk about this right now.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Violence<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Violence is a verbal strategy to convince or compel others to accept your point of view. Trying to force meaning into the pool violates safety. Behaviors include name-calling, filibustering, and making threats, but the most common are controlling, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/negative-labels\/\">labeling<\/a>, and attacking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Controlling<\/strong>: Coercing others to your way of thinking by either forcing your views on others, or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts (hyperbole), speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation. For example: \u201cEveryone knows they have the worst customer service in the universe.\u201d<\/li><li><strong>Labeling<\/strong>: Attaching a label in order to stereotype or dismiss someone or their idea. For example, \u201cYou sound like a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/homosapiens-and-neanderthals\/\">Neanderthal<\/a>.\u201d<\/li><li><strong>Attacking<\/strong>: You move from winning the argument to making the other person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening. For example: \u201cYou\u2019re a real jerk! I\u2019m sorry but someone has to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/jordan-peterson-tell-the-truth-rule-8\/\">tell the truth<\/a> here.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Learning to make it safe in crucial conversations is one of the most important parts of learning to connect and communicate. Without making it safe, crucial conversations cannot happen, and you will continue to communicate unproductively. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is &#8220;make it safe&#8221; in Crucial Conversations? What does &#8220;make it safe&#8221; mean? Make it safe in Crucial Conversations refers to the process of ensuring that the conditions of a conversation are safe, and both parties can express themselves. But how do you make it safe? Crucial Conversations has the answer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9658,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9652","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Make It Safe: 3 Steps to Leading Crucial Conversations - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"When you make it safe, crucial conversations help you connect. But what does it mean to make it safe in crucial conversations? 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