{"id":9650,"date":"2020-06-22T19:05:00","date_gmt":"2020-06-22T23:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=9650"},"modified":"2020-06-28T19:30:39","modified_gmt":"2020-06-28T23:30:39","slug":"how-to-have-crucial-conversations","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-crucial-conversations\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have Crucial Conversations: The 7 Steps"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you want to know how to have crucial conversations? Is learning how to have crucial conversations part of your goals for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/develop-yourself\/\">improving yourself<\/a> and your communication skills? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Learning how to have crucial conversations can help you communicate better and more efficiently in your personal and professional life. Keep reading to find out how to have crucial conversations, as well as advice and tips. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Have Crucial Conversations<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High, <\/em>authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler argue that <strong>many problems are caused by how people behave when they disagree with others about high-stakes, emotional issues<\/strong>. Organizational performance and the quality of relationships improve significantly when people learn the skills to handle these crucial conversations effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>A crucial conversation is a discussion characterized by high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions.<\/strong> Crucial conversations are often typical daily interactions as opposed to planned, high-level meetings. These conversations can have a huge impact on your life. Examples include: ending a relationship, asking a roommate to move out, resolving an issue with an ex-spouse, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-confront-a-coworker-professionally\/\">confronting a coworker<\/a> about his\/her behavior, or giving the boss critical feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We often try to avoid having these conversations because we\u2019re afraid we\u2019ll make matters worse. And in fact, when we do have crucial conversations, we usually handle them badly. <strong>We behave our worst at the most critical moments<\/strong>. We may withdraw, or rage and say things we later regret. But learning how to have crucial conversations can make you a much better communicator. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We typically fail at these conversations because:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Nature works against us<\/strong>. When under stress, we get an adrenaline surge and blood is diverted from the brain to muscles so that our thinking ability suffers.<\/li><li><strong>We get caught off guard.<\/strong> Crucial conversations often catch us by surprise \u2014 we have a knee-jerk reaction and later end up wondering, what was I thinking?<\/li><li><strong>We lack the right skills.<\/strong> We don\u2019t know where to start in terms of responding to or initiating a crucial conversation, so we just plunge in.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Our reaction is self-defeating<\/strong>. We act in ways that keep us from getting what we want. We\u2019re our own worst enemies. For example, when one partner is neglecting the other, the aggrieved partner may respond with sarcasm and sniping \u2014 which causes the offending party to spend even less time with him or her.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>But this doesn\u2019t have to happen. <strong>People can learn the skills to handle these conversations effectively<\/strong>. And when they do, their career, health, personal relationships, and their organization or company benefit tremendously<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For crucial conversations to be constructive, <strong>they must have a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/team-purpose\/\">shared purpose<\/a> and the conditions must be safe for everyone to contribute<\/strong>. It\u2019s important that all parties participate in order to reach the best conclusion or outcome. Many conversations, however, go off the rails as people act out by pushing their views aggressively, withholding their views, or acting from motives that undercut the shared purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Specifically, there are seven key dialogue principles, including implementation skills you can practice while you learn how to have crucial conversations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Have Crucial Conversations: <strong>The Seven Dialogue Principles&nbsp;<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When you&#8217;re learning how to have a crucial conversation, these seven dialogue principles should be your guide. They will help you stay true to yourself, while learning <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-listen-crucial-conversations\/\">how to listen<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">1. <strong>Know Your Heart<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In high-risk discussions, stay focused on what you really want (your big-picture goal, such as a stronger relationship), so you don\u2019t get sidetracked by conversational games, such as trying to win, punish the other person, or keep the peace.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Also, refuse the fool\u2019s choice of limiting yourself to an either\/or alternative (I can stay silent and keep the peace, or I can speak up and ruin my relationship). Look for ways to do both: speak up <em>and<\/em> have a stronger relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">2. <strong>Make the Conditions Safe<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The first prerequisite for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-dialogue-crucial-conversations\/\">healthy dialogue<\/a> is safety. You can\u2019t have constructive dialogue when people don\u2019t feel safe, because they start acting in unproductive ways and stop contributing to the dialogue. To maintain safety in a conversation, you must <strong>monitor two elements: what\u2019s being discussed and what people are doing in response<\/strong> \u2014 both the <em>content<\/em> and the <em>conditions<\/em> of the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To ensure safe conditions for conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Notice the point when a conversation turns crucial, and could go off track due to emotional responses.<\/li><li>Look for safety problems (people withdrawing or behaving aggressively) that short-circuit dialogue, and intervene before they get out of hand.<\/li><li>Beware of reverting to your style under stress. <strong>In crucial conversations, you\u2019ll revert to tactics you grew up with<\/strong> (debate, silent treatment, manipulation, etc.). You need to be alert to these tendencies in order to counteract them.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">3. <strong>Make the Content Safe<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>For people to feel safe in speaking their minds, there are two requirements: 1) a <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mutual-purpose-crucial-conversations\/\">mutual purpose<\/a><\/strong> for the conversation (agreement on what we\u2019re trying to accomplish); and 2) <strong>mutual respect<\/strong> \u2014 each participant\u2019s views and feelings are respected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When someone doesn\u2019t feel safe in saying something potentially controversial, either they don\u2019t trust in a mutual purpose (they\u2019re suspicious of ulterior motives), or someone has undermined mutual respect (for instance, by attacking another person, sighing, or eye-rolling). The dialogue can\u2019t resume until respect has been restored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You need to clarify or rebuild mutual purpose if your motives and goals, or someone else\u2019s, seem to be suspect<\/strong>. Use CRIB skills:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Commit to seek a mutual purpose (commit to stay in dialogue until finding something that satisfies everyone)<\/li><li>Recognize the purpose behind the strategy (ask people why they want what they\u2019re pushing for)<\/li><li>Invent a mutual purpose (if you\u2019re still at odds)<\/li><li>Brainstorm new strategies (with a clear mutual purpose)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>When you need to repair a misunderstanding to restore respect, you can use the skill of contrasting. Contrasting is a don\u2019t\/do statement that:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Addresses others\u2019 concerns that you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.<\/li><li>Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the <em>do<\/em> part).<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>An example of contrasting in a couple\u2019s conversation: \u201cI <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to suggest that this problem is yours. I think it\u2019s ours. I <em>don\u2019t<\/em> want to put the burden on you. What I <em>do<\/em> want is to be able to talk so we understand each other better.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Depending on the subject of the conversations, learning how to have a crucial conversation can be difficult, especially when it comes to creating safety for expressing and controlling your emotions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">4. <strong>Control Your Emotions<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Our emotions are generated by \u201cstories\u201d we tell ourselves when someone does or says something. These stories are our interpretations of what we saw and\/or heard. Negative interpretations lead to negative feelings and then to unproductive actions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But <strong>we can change our emotions by rethinking our stories<\/strong>, or retracing our path from our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">feelings and actions<\/a> back to the incident that prompted them: notice your behavior, identify your feelings, analyze the story creating your feelings, and go back to facts (ask yourself, what evidence you have to support your story, and whether the facts might support a different story or conclusion). Also, make sure you\u2019re telling yourself the full story, and haven\u2019t omitted any facts to justify your reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">5. <strong>Share Your Stories<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Express your views (tell your story) in such a way that <strong>others will be receptive, encourage feedback, and be willing to alter your views or story when additional facts warrant<\/strong>. When caught up in unproductive emotions and actions, retrace them to the facts to test their accuracy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This process can be broken down as follows, remembering the acronym STATE:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Share your facts: Start with the least controversial.<\/li><li>Tell your story: Explain what you\u2019re beginning to conclude.<\/li><li>Ask for others\u2019 paths: Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.<\/li><li>Talk tentatively. State your story as a story (your opinion), not a fact.<\/li><li>Encourage testing: Proactively seek <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/opposing-views\/\">opposing views<\/a>, so you can test your theory against additional information.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">6. <strong>Explore Others\u2019 Paths<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To have a constructive conversation, <strong>you need to encourage, listen to, and understand others\u2019 views<\/strong>. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. Use four listening skills to trace the other person\u2019s path to action (<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/crucial-conversations-ampp\/\">AMPP<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Ask: Express interest in the others\u2019 views.<\/li><li>Mirror: Acknowledge the emotions people appear to be feeling.<\/li><li>Paraphrase: Restate what you\u2019ve heard.<\/li><li>Prime: If others hold back, offer a guess as to what they may be thinking and feeling to get the discussion started.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>As you begin to share your views, remember ABC:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Agree: Agree when you share views for the most part, rather than arguing over minor points of disagreement.<\/li><li>Build: Agree where you can, then build. (\u201cI agree completely. In addition, I noticed that\u2026\u201d)<\/li><li>Compare: When you differ substantially, compare your two views. (\u201cI think I see things differently. Let me explain.\u201d)<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">7. <strong>Move From Conversation to Results<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Once everyone contributes his or her information to a crucial conversation, the final step is action. All the <strong>conversational effort is moot unless there\u2019s an action plan<\/strong> and follow-through to achieve results. This is one of the hardest parts in learning how to have a crucial conversation, since it requires taking action from an emotionally charged dialogue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Groups often fail to convert the ideas into action and results<\/strong> for two reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>They aren\u2019t clear on how decisions will be made.<\/li><li>They fail to act on the decisions they do make.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>To move from ideas to action, first choose the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/methods-of-decision-making-crucial-conversations\/\">decision-making<\/a> method:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Command: <\/strong>With command decisions, it\u2019s not our job to decide what to do, only how to make it work. Decisions are made with no involvement whatsoever.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Consult: <\/strong>Decision makers invite others to influence them before they make their choice. They consult with experts, a representative population, or even anyone who wants to offer an opinion.<\/li><li><strong>Vote: <\/strong>Voting is appropriate where efficiency is the highest goal, and you\u2019re selecting from a number of good options.<\/li><li><strong>Consensus: <\/strong>You talk until everyone agrees to one decision. This method can produce unity and high-quality decisions, or it can be a big waste of time.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Additional steps are:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Make assignments<\/strong>: Determine who will do what, by when. Assign a name and a deadline to every responsibility.<\/li><li><strong>Follow-through<\/strong>: Agree on how often and by what method you\u2019ll follow up on an assignment.<\/li><li><strong>Document<\/strong>: After all your hard work in crucial conversation, don\u2019t depend on memory to ensure follow-through. Write it down, keep tabs, and hold people accountable.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Now that you know how to have crucial conversations, you can take those lessons and apply them to all forms of communication in your life. Your skills may also help other people learn how to have crucial conversations as well. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want to know how to have crucial conversations? Is learning how to have crucial conversations part of your goals for improving yourself and your communication skills? Learning how to have crucial conversations can help you communicate better and more efficiently in your personal and professional life. Keep reading to find out how to have crucial conversations, as well as advice and tips.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":9656,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[89],"class_list":["post-9650","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-crucial-conversations","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Have Crucial Conversations: The 7 Steps - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you want to know how to have crucial conversations? 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