{"id":94587,"date":"2023-03-03T15:37:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-03T19:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=94587"},"modified":"2025-09-03T14:25:58","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:25:58","slug":"importance-of-acknowledging-childrens-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/importance-of-acknowledging-childrens-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"The Importance of Acknowledging Children\u2019s Feelings"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What’s the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings<\/a>? How can you validate your child’s emotions?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em>, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish claim that one key to communicating better with your children is acknowledging that you understand their feelings. They argue that even babies want adults to acknowledge how they feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to learn the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings, according to Faber and Mazlish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of Shortform\u2019s guide to emotional intelligence<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why Acknowledge Your Children\u2019s Feelings?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em><\/a>, authors and educators Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish stress that a key to communicating better with your child is to show that you understand, accept, and empathize with their feelings. They argue for the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings based on the fact that children, even babies, want adults to understand how they feel, especially when they feel unhappy<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But how<\/em> you respond is important. First, here\u2019s what not<\/em> to do when your child expresses strong feelings, according to the authors. Don\u2019t deny a child\u2019s feelings by saying something like \u201cYou\u2019re just tired,\u201d \u201cYou don\u2019t really hate your brother,\u201d or \u201cYou can\u2019t be hungry! You just ate.\u201d Don\u2019t just tell them, \u201cIt\u2019s not a big deal. Calm down\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re not acting your age.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, here\u2019s what Faber and Mazlish recommend instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Acknowledge a Child\u2019s Feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Faber and Mazlish emphasize the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings, claiming that instead of dismissing or minimizing them, it’s best to accept and validate your child\u2019s feelings. All feelings are O.K., even if all behaviors are not<\/strong>. You can say, \u201cI can see you\u2019re upset that your sister broke a crayon, \u201cYou\u2019re mad at your brother,\u201d or \u201cSo you\u2019re still hungry, even though you just had lunch.\u201d Echo your child\u2019s feelings: For example, if your child is disappointed, express disappointment in your own voice. Faber and Mazlish explain that your empathy can calm your child, open them up to talking more, and give them the confidence to start solving their problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t say vague philosophical things like \u201clife isn\u2019t fair,\u201d start giving advice right away, ask accusatory questions, drown them in pity, or defend the person they\u2019re angry at. Ignoring or glossing over their feelings this way can make children feel defensive, helpless, and more upset.<\/strong> The authors stress that this way of communicating takes practice because many of us didn\u2019t grow up with parents who understood the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Importance of Acknowledging Children\u2019s Feelings in Today’s Society
<\/strong>
In the 40 years since this book was written, psychologists have learned a lot more about the importance of validating a child\u2019s feelings. Researchers have found that children whose parents validate their feelings are emotionally healthier<\/a>. As Dr. Margaret Areizaga explains, helping your child learn how to regulate their own emotions gives them a crucial tool<\/a> they can use throughout their life. If a parent constantly disregards children\u2019s feelings, they feel powerless and start to distrust or ignore their own emotions. The inability to regulate feelings, Dr. Areizaga points out, can be a factor in Attention Deficit\/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

When you show your child you understand what they\u2019re feeling, they feel that they\u2019ve successfully communicated their emotions to you and may start to calm down. It also gives them the confidence that they can express how they feel with words like \u201cfrustrated\u201d or \u201cangry\u201d instead of throwing a tantrum or hitting. Above all, it\u2019s important to model emotional self-regulation yourself, Dr. Areizaga says. For example, you could say to your child, \u201cI\u2019m trying to register you for camp right now, and I\u2019m getting frustrated. It\u2019s natural to feel that way because the website is complicated! I\u2019m going to take a break and try again later today when I\u2019m calmer.\u201d <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Give Your Child Words for Those Feelings<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Just as you do with praise, Faber and Mazlish say you should be descriptive when talking about negative feelings. Don\u2019t worry that telling a child they\u2019re \u201cafraid\u201d or \u201csad\u201d or \u201cdisappointed\u201d will make them feel worse. The importance of acknowledging your children’s feelings relates to how it helps them to feel understood and helps them to build a vocabulary for their emotions, the authors say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Here are some tips to build your child\u2019s emotional vocabulary<\/a>. Use picture books to help your child learn the words for different feelings; praise your child when they discuss their feelings; and talk about feelings while going about daily activities, not just when tensions are high.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grant Them Their Wishes in a Make-Believe Way<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Faber and Mazlish explain that just seeing that their parents realize how badly they want something can help a child. To emphasize your understanding and empathy, they suggest using hypotheticals. For example, if your child says they don\u2019t want to do their homework, you could reply, \u201cIt\u2019s frustrating to have to come home from a long day at school and have homework to do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and give you more time in the day to play!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Role-Playing Can Be Great Preparation for Everyday Life<\/strong>

In Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting<\/em><\/a>,<\/em>Dr. Laura Markham builds on Faber and Mazlish\u2019s advice to use hypotheticals. She suggests that parents use stuffed animals to role-play difficult scenarios with their children. 

For example, if your child is giving you a hard time about doing their homework, act out different possible scenes, taking turns being the \u201cparent\u201d and \u201cchild.\u201d Markham says don\u2019t be afraid to get silly. This could mean including some scenes in which the child does their homework in invisible ink, or homework is canceled forever. These role-playing scenarios, writes Markham, are another way of granting your child\u2019s wishes in fantasy. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

In advocating for the importance of acknowledging your children’s feelings, Faber and Mazlish conclude that simply empathizing puts parent and child on the same side instead of in opposition<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acknowledging Feelings: Talking to the Next Generation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In the afterword of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk<\/em>, Faber and Mazlish write that decades later, their advice about communication and respect is more relevant than ever. At a time when parents are busy and stressed, work-life balance<\/a> is hard to achieve, social media promotes distraction and bullying, and children are getting phones in fourth grade, parents and children need all the help they can get in learning how to be kind<\/a> to each other and themselves.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the last sections of the book is a 2012 note by Adele Faber\u2019s daughter, Joanna, a former elementary school teacher who is carrying on her mother\u2019s work. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Besides contributing to Faber and Mazlish\u2019s book How to Talk So Kids Can Learn at Home and in School<\/em><\/a>,<\/em> Joanna has written two recent books along with Julie King: How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen<\/em><\/a> <\/em>(2017), focused on children from two to seven, and How To Talk When Kids Won\u2019t Listen<\/em><\/a> (2021). Joanna Faber and King created the companion app, HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket<\/a>, as well as the app Parenting Hero<\/a>. They also lead online workshops<\/a>.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joanna Faber writes that even though she had been raised in a respectful and accepting environment because of her mother\u2019s parenting style, she found it wasn\u2019t so easy to have patience when she had kids of her own. Sometimes she found herself saying, \u201cWhy did you do that? I just told you not to!\u201d or \u201cFine, I\u2019ll leave you here.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But she echoes her mother\u2019s message that as a parent, you always get another chance to respond better to your child\u2019s misbehavior. Joanna Faber writes that the importance of acknowledging children\u2019s feelings, to her, is the most fundamental skill discussed in the book.<\/strong> It can often solve the problem; sometimes empathy alone makes a child feel better. And it creates a relationship of mutual respect so that many problems don\u2019t even occur. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Joanna Faber\u2019s How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen<\/em> updates her mother\u2019s advice with scientific research, especially about the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings. For example, she discusses a study that tracked parents with varying communication styles over a few years. It found that children whose parents accepted their feelings were less stressed, had longer attention spans, behaved better, scored higher on achievement tests, and got along better with others<\/a>. The effects were even physiological; these kids had stronger immune systems. These results suggest that Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish were ahead of their time in developing a parenting approach that emphasizes empathy.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Exercise: Practice Acknowledging Feelings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Instead of denying a child\u2019s feelings, the authors recommend that parents accept whatever emotions a child expresses, and help the child label them. Here\u2019s some practice diagnosing and responding to negative feelings. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  • If your child says, \u201cI played the wrong note on my recorder in music class, and everyone looked at me and laughed. I hate everyone in my class!,\u201d how might they be feeling? What could you say to acknowledge that feeling?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
      \n
    • If your child says, \u201cMy swim teacher told me I couldn\u2019t move on to the next level, and I have to be a guppy again. I\u2019m so bad at swimming?\u201d how might they be feeling? What could you say to acknowledge that feeling?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
        \n
      • How about, \u201cI don\u2019t know whether to be friends with Michael any more. We\u2019ve been friends since kindergarten, but these days he hangs out with some mean kids and isn\u2019t always nice to me. But he asked me to come over to his house tomorrow\u201d?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
          \n
        • Now let\u2019s reflect on an experience from your own life. Describe a time recently when your child said something that you found difficult to respond to with empathy. What did you say?\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n
            \n
          • The next time your child says something that makes you upset\u2014like telling you they hate you, or that your family trip to the zoo was stupid\u2014what could you say to acknowledge their feelings? (Remember, the authors emphasize the importance of being open to how your child feels and giving them words to describe their emotions.)\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

            What’s the importance of acknowledging children’s feelings? How can you validate your child’s emotions? In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish claim that one key to communicating better with your children is acknowledging that you understand their feelings. They argue that even babies want adults to acknowledge how they feel. 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