{"id":94331,"date":"2023-02-23T07:50:00","date_gmt":"2023-02-23T11:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=94331"},"modified":"2023-03-07T12:18:17","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T16:18:17","slug":"gottman-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/gottman-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse\/","title":{"rendered":"John Gottman: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Explained"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are John Gottman’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in the context of a marriage? What are the major signs that your marriage is on the brink of divorce? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d is Gottman’s metaphor for describing communication habits<\/a> indicating that a marriage is headed for divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. While people may resort to these from time to time in their relationship, the problem begins when they become a pattern.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how to spot if your marriage is headed for divorce, according to Gottman. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

According to relationship researcher John Gottman<\/a>, the \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d are the telltale warning signs that your marriage is in trouble:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Criticism<\/strong>. One spouse expresses dissatisfaction with their partner generally<\/em> instead of expressing dissatisfaction about a specific issue. For example, they say, \u201cYou\u2019re a slob,\u201d instead of \u201cYou didn\u2019t clean the kitchen when you said you would.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2.<\/strong> Contempt<\/strong>. One spouse expresses dissatisfaction in a way that belittles their partner and signifies a lack of respect. For example, they might say, \u201cI can\u2019t believe you forgot to clean the kitchen. Are you stupid?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Defensiveness<\/strong>. One spouse, who feels attacked by their partner, tries to protect themselves. However, this strategy backfires because it shifts responsibility onto the other<\/em> partner. For example, the spouse who didn\u2019t clean the kitchen might say, \u201cI may have forgotten to clean the kitchen, but I cleaned the bathroom, which you never do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Stonewalling<\/strong>. One spouse feels overwhelmed and stops responding. (This spouse is likely feeling flooded.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d is a religious reference<\/a>; in Christianity, four men on horses herald the end of the world. The first symbolizes Christ (or the Antichrist, depending on who you ask), the second symbolizes war, the third symbolizes famine, and the fourth symbolizes death. Just as these four signs are said to lead to the end of the world, Gottman and Silver\u2019s four destructive communication styles can lead to the end of a marriage.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Handling Your Go-To Horseman<\/strong>

Some psychologists suggest that you may have a go-to horseman<\/a> when arguing with your spouse. If you\u2019re not sure what it is, ask your spouse to help identify what damaging strategy you use when you fight. 

Then, consider developing techniques to resist your impulse to engage negatively with your spouse<\/a>. If you tend to criticize your spouse, look within yourself to find the request underlying the criticism. If you tend to be contemptuous, watch out for and combat any negative stories you tell yourself about your spouse. If you get defensive, try active listening: Confirm with your partner what you\u2019ve heard so you don\u2019t try to defend yourself against perceived insults. If you tend to stonewall, learn to ask for regular breaks during fights with your spouse.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What are John Gottman’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” in the context of a marriage? What are the major signs that your marriage is on the brink of divorce? The \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d is Gottman’s metaphor for describing communication habits indicating that a marriage is headed for divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. While people may resort to these from time to time in their relationship, the problem begins when they become a pattern. Here’s how to spot if your marriage is headed for divorce, according to Gottman.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":8228,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[920],"class_list":["post-94331","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nJohn Gottman: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Explained - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"According to John Gottman, the \u201cfour horsemen of the apocalypse\u201d are the telltale signs that your marriage is in trouble. 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