{"id":94016,"date":"2023-03-05T09:11:00","date_gmt":"2023-03-05T13:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=94016"},"modified":"2023-03-07T12:18:37","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T16:18:37","slug":"why-do-most-marriages-fail","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-do-most-marriages-fail\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do Most Marriages Fail? They Lack a Shared Culture"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do most marriages fail? How can you minimize the chances of your marriage ending in divorce?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In their book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>, Gottman and Silver explain that every marriage has its own culture\u2014a shared understanding of what matters and what you\u2019re working toward. The greater this sense of shared understanding, the more robust your marriage will be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how the lack of a shared culture destroys marriages and how couples can work toward cultivating it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Cultivating a Shared Culture in a Marriage<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Gottman and Silver identify four common ways couples cultivate their culture. First, they have unifying ceremonies<\/strong>\u2014ritualized, organized events or habits that foster closeness. These rituals may be something they grew up with or something they invent as a couple. Second, they have similar expectations <\/strong>for each other. For example, they might agree that when it comes to their children, one parent should be the nurturer while the other should be the discipliner. Third, they have a common purpose<\/strong> they can work toward. Fourth, they have something that represents what they both consider to be important in life<\/strong>. This can be a physical thing or a non-physical thing (like a story). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why do most marriages fail? The lower rate of divorce for same-race couples compared to mixed-race couples<\/a> point to one possible reason so many marriages end in divorce. One report found that interracial couples have a 10% higher chance of divorce than same-race couples. Although race and culture are not the same, the interracial couples may have also been in intercultural marriages\u2014and so had less of a shared understanding than the same-race couples who may have had same-culture marriages.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, Bea and Bridget both value education. Every Wednesday night, they might sit on the couch and read together (a unifying ceremony). They might agree that a parent\u2019s job is to nurture their child\u2019s intellect (similar expectations), so they budget more money on their kids\u2019 education. They might encourage each other to go to the library because they want to become more well-informed (a common purpose). And they might steadily add to their home library<\/a> (a physical object), which represents the schooling that they both value. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Gottman and Silver appear to be unique in discussing the value of a culture within a marriage\u2014whether or not the couple has children. Most literature in this area focuses on the broader \u201cfamily culture,\u201d which includes all members of a multigenerational family<\/a>. Experts don\u2019t specify the importance of symbols, ceremonies, or common purposes, but they do note that in a family culture, there are strong expectations: The parents expect that their offspring will continue their culture, and each member of the family expects to be treated relatively similarly. Additionally, a family culture is usually implicitly understood<\/em> among members of the family rather than stated aloud.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To cultivate your culture, Gottman and Silver explain that you must talk about what matters to the both of you<\/strong>. First, agree on two unifying rituals that you wish to implement in your lives. Then, discuss your purpose<\/a>, your expectations, and the things that represent what you care about<\/a> in life. You won\u2019t agree on everything, and that\u2019s OK. Moreover, you\u2019ll need to continuously talk about what matters throughout your marriage. But as long as you can share some<\/em> things and act considerately with respect to each other\u2019s differences, you can cultivate a culture\u2014and a more meaningful partnership.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Discussing what matters to the both of you is particularly important if you\u2019re in an intercultural marriage<\/a>. You may have rituals, purposes, expectations, or symbols that you don\u2019t even realize<\/em> matter until your spouse challenges them. Moreover, your in-laws or parents may be upset if you choose to cultivate a culture that goes against their cultural values. Like Gottman and Silver, experts suggest that you can work through any issues as long as you remain tolerant of each other\u2019s cultures, are open to learning, and are willing to have potentially tough conversations with your spouse, your parents, and your in-laws.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why do most marriages fail? How can you minimize the chances of your marriage ending in divorce? In their book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman and Silver explain that every marriage has its own culture\u2014a shared understanding of what matters and what you\u2019re working toward. The greater this sense of shared understanding, the more robust your marriage will be. Here’s how the lack of a shared culture destroys marriages and how couples can work toward cultivating it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":12688,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[920],"class_list":["post-94016","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do Most Marriages Fail? They Lack a Shared Culture - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why do most marriages fail? According to John Gottman, one common reason for a failing marriage is a lack of shared culture. 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