{"id":93986,"date":"2023-02-25T12:40:00","date_gmt":"2023-02-25T16:40:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=93986"},"modified":"2023-03-07T12:18:19","modified_gmt":"2023-03-07T16:18:19","slug":"how-to-be-a-better-spouse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you want to be a better husband or wife? What&#8217;s the key to being a more loving, more attentive, and overall better spouse?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Being a good spouse is a matter of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-keep-an-open-mind\/\">keeping an open mind<\/a>. When you keep an open mind, you stay receptive to your partner\u2019s requests and concerns instead of making decisions unilaterally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With this in mind, here are some tips on how to be a better spouse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-keep-an-open-mind\"><strong>Keep an Open Mind<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/gottman-love-lab-marriage-divorce\/\">John Gottman<\/a> and Nan Silver emphasize that learning to be receptive is especially important for husbands for two reasons. First, <strong>studies indicate that if a man isn\u2019t receptive to his wife, the couple is far more likely to divorce<\/strong>. Gottman and Silver attribute this reality to how unreceptive men respond to negative feedback: Instead of acknowledging their wife\u2019s feelings, they respond in ways that <em>increase<\/em> negative feelings between the couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/manage-conflict-accepting-influence\/\">Learning to be receptive to their partners may be more important for straight men<\/a> than for gay men. A 12-year study Gottman published in 2003 found that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.johngottman.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/Observing-Gay-Lesbian-and-heterosexual-Couples-Relationships-Mathematical-modeling-of-conflict-interactions.pdf\">homosexual couples were generally better at receptively responding to their partner\u2019s requests and concerns<\/a>. Gottman speculated that this difference stems partly from homosexual couples\u2019 greater effort to be equal in their relationship, and it\u2019s partly because a gender imbalance doesn\u2019t exist in gay relationships. However, the study doesn\u2019t address how greater receptivity affects homosexual couples\u2019 divorce rates, as it was published prior to the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.npr.org\/sections\/thetwo-way\/2015\/06\/26\/417717613\/supreme-court-rules-all-states-must-allow-same-sex-marriages\">2015 federal legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States<\/a>.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, Gottman and Silver suggest that <strong>receptive husbands have happier marriages because they learn from their wives how to better manage their emotions<\/strong>. Since young girls worldwide tend to play games that highlight emotional and social skills, women tend to be better than their husbands at <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-manage-your-emotions\/\">managing emotions<\/a>. So a husband who\u2019s receptive to learning from his wife in general will likely also learn how to manage his emotions\u2014which improves his relationship skills and thus his marriage.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Other experts suggest that <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.1177\/2372732220984491#bibr47-2372732220984491\">men tend to be worse at managing emotions because they\u2019re socialized differently<\/a>. One Swedish study found that kids who studied in a gender-neutral classroom (as opposed to one where, for example, the teachers used gendered language) were more likely to play games with children of different genders, which implies that the boys were more likely to play games that highlighted emotional and social skills. Additionally, experts suggest that men who learn to better manage their emotions may experience far-reaching benefits that go beyond improved relationship skills, such as greater physical and mental health.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re a man who struggles to keep an open mind, Gottman and Silver suggest two strategies for learning how to be a better spouse. First, <strong>remind yourself that sometimes, giving in will get you what you want<\/strong>. Second, if you can\u2019t give in <em>all<\/em> the way to your wife\u2019s request, <strong>look for places where you can bend<\/strong> to what your wife wants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, your wife may hate when you wear shoes in the house because they dirty the floors. In this case, you might decide that although you\u2019d prefer to wear shoes inside, you don\u2019t care that much\u2014and so your wife\u2019s happiness is worth the minor hassle of taking your shoes off inside. Alternatively, if you <em>do<\/em> care about wearing shoes inside, you might accept that vacuuming dirt out of the carpet is a major hassle, so you agree not to wear shoes on the carpet (but continue to wear shoes on non-carpeted surfaces).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: If you\u2019re unreceptive to your wife\u2019s opinions, you may be in a \u201cwin-lose\u201d mindset: For you to win, your wife must lose, and vice versa. However, compromising and occasionally giving in for the greater good of your relationship suggests a \u201cwin-win\u201d mindset, where both people can win. Cultivating <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-law-of-influence\/\">a win-win<\/a> mindset may also be good for your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/career-relationships\/\">work relationships<\/a>. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/first-things-first\"><em>First Things First<\/em><\/a>, Stephen Covey suggests that to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/steps-to-achieve-your-goals\/\">reach your goals<\/a> in our interdependent world, you must accept that winning doesn\u2019t necessitate that someone else lose; rather, <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/first-things-first#finding-win-win-solutions\">winning means accomplishing your goals<\/a>, and you can accomplish more if you cooperate rather than compete.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want to be a better husband or wife? What&#8217;s the key to being a more loving, more attentive, and overall better spouse? Being a good spouse is a matter of keeping an open mind. When you keep an open mind, you stay receptive to your partner\u2019s requests and concerns instead of making decisions unilaterally. With this in mind, here are some tips on how to be a better spouse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":25162,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[920],"class_list":["post-93986","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-the-seven-principles-for-making-marriage-work","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you want to learn how to be a better spouse? Being a good husband\/wife is all about staying receptive to your spouse&#039;s needs and concerns.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Do you want to learn how to be a better spouse? Being a good husband\/wife is all about staying receptive to your spouse&#039;s needs and concerns.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-02-25T16:40:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-03-07T16:18:19+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/couple-talking-breakfast-bed-communication-relationship-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-02-25T16:40:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-07T16:18:19+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\"},\"wordCount\":724,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/couple-talking-breakfast-bed-communication-relationship-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/\",\"name\":\"How to Be a Better Spouse: Keep an Open Mind - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-spouse\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/01\/couple-talking-breakfast-bed-communication-relationship-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-02-25T16:40:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-07T16:18:19+00:00\",\"description\":\"Do you want to learn how to be a better spouse? 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