{"id":93823,"date":"2023-02-19T14:18:00","date_gmt":"2023-02-19T18:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=93823"},"modified":"2026-01-22T16:51:08","modified_gmt":"2026-01-22T20:51:08","slug":"setting-boundaries-with-family","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/setting-boundaries-with-family\/","title":{"rendered":"Setting Boundaries With Family: How to Draw the Line"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is your family overstepping your boundaries? How can you effectively establish and appropriately communicate your boundaries to family members?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s normal to experience difficulty setting boundaries with family. Because they have probably known you for quite a while, they\u2019ve likely become attached to routine ways of interacting with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab gives a few tips on how to set healthy boundaries with family members.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Set Boundaries With Family<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Setting boundaries<\/a> with family can be tricky because they’ve likely known you all your life. So, when you try to introduce new boundaries, your family members will likely struggle to adjust, as they may fear that your new boundaries will create distance in the relationship. As a result of this uneasiness, it may take them some time to adjust to your new boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It\u2019s especially common to experience boundary issues<\/a> with your loved ones after getting married. Parents often struggle with feeling relatively uninvolved in their children\u2019s lives, as those children try to juggle the demands of both sets of in-laws. If you\u2019re recently married and struggling to set boundaries<\/a> with your parents, remember that they\u2019re likely feeling insecure, and do your best to remind your parents that they\u2019re important to you as you set your boundaries<\/a>. And, if you\u2019re the parent of a newly married person, remember that your child now has more responsibilities to balance than ever before, and do your best to give them the space they need to adjust<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communicate in Advance<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To help give your loved ones the time they need to adjust their expectations, begin communicating your boundaries<\/a> as far in advance as possible <\/strong>rather than waiting until a boundary violation happens, especially if you know an important occasion is coming up.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform: The idea that it\u2019s best to communicate potentially upsetting information as soon as possible isn\u2019t unique to boundary-setting. In the world of public relations, firms often prepare to respond quickly to potential crises<\/a>, because prompt, forthright communications help reassure consumers<\/a>. By contrast, waiting to issue a statement allows time for the public to spread and dwell on negative rumors.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In particular, this can be helpful when setting boundaries around holiday travel. If you decide not to attend a family gathering, let everyone know as soon as you can. By communicating this information early on, you give your family time and space to come to terms with things. On the other hand, the longer you wait to express your boundaries, the more time your family will have to get excited to see you, which will deepen their disappointment if you cancel at the last minute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: When setting boundaries around holiday travel, be honest with your loved ones and attentive to their feelings<\/a>, in addition to communicating in advance. It\u2019s important to be honest<\/a> with them about why you can\u2019t make it home, because it helps them to respect your decision. If you make up an excuse, you risk being caught in a lie, which will hurt everyone\u2019s feelings and damage your relationships. Similarly, it\u2019s important to hear and acknowledge your loved ones\u2019 feelings about holiday travel. Taking the time to listen will reassure them that you care for them, regardless of how you choose to spend your holidays.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communicate Explicitly<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Additionally, Tawwab notes that it\u2019s easy to assume that you don\u2019t need to communicate your boundaries to your loved ones because they know you well enough to understand how you\u2019d like to be treated without having to be told. However, friends, partners, and family members can\u2019t read minds<\/strong>, which means that, as always, it\u2019s best to explicitly state your boundaries with them, regardless of how close your relationships are. Clearly setting expectations in these relationships not only helps you avoid discomfort, it also helps your loved ones meet your expectations and make you happy, which is almost always what they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Psychological research backs up Tawwab\u2019s assertion that loved ones don\u2019t always know how we feel. Recent research suggests that romantic partners are good at knowing when you\u2019re happy, but struggle to recognize when you\u2019re feeling upset<\/a>. Unfortunately, knowing when we\u2019re happy isn\u2019t much use in boundary-setting situations, as you\u2019ll most often need to set boundaries in response to situations that make you upset. As the research suggests, loved ones won\u2019t know you\u2019re uncomfortable until you tell them.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another hurdle for setting boundaries with loved ones is the temptation to let small infractions slide to avoid conflict<\/a> with the people you love. While it\u2019s natural to want to spare your loved ones\u2019 feelings, you can damage relationships by refusing to speak up<\/strong>. If you don\u2019t speak up about behaviors that make you uncomfortable, others will naturally believe you\u2019re okay with those behaviors and will continue unknowingly upsetting you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: When addressing infractions with loved ones, it\u2019s important that you take time to understand your own feelings. If you\u2019ve let things slide in a close relationship and resentment has started to build, you may find yourself getting upset about completely benign behaviors<\/a>, due to your general frustration. Figure out what you\u2019re really upset about before you bring your concerns to your loved ones. When you know your feelings, you\u2019ll be able to clearly express them to the other person. Because of this, Tawwab argues that you should always speak up when your needs aren\u2019t being met in your close relationships<\/a>. Speaking up immediately when your loved ones make you uncomfortable allows them to learn from the mistake and prevents resentment from forming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: As you attempt to bring up your concerns as soon as possible, be sure you pick an appropriate time to have boundary conversations. If the other person is busy with work, family, or friends, it\u2019s probably not a good time to start a difficult conversation<\/a>, as the other person won\u2019t be able to give you their full attention. Instead, try and pick a comfortable time and location, in which both of you have time to share your feelings and decompress afterward.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is your family overstepping your boundaries? How can you effectively establish and appropriately communicate your boundaries to family members? It\u2019s normal to experience difficulty setting boundaries with family. Because they have probably known you for quite a while, they\u2019ve likely become attached to routine ways of interacting with you. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab gives a few tips on how to set healthy boundaries with family members.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":94132,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[912],"class_list":["post-93823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-set-boundaries-find-peace","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nSetting Boundaries With Family: How to Draw the Line - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Setting boundaries with family can be tricky because they've likely known you all your life. 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