{"id":92803,"date":"2023-02-23T14:40:00","date_gmt":"2023-02-23T18:40:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=92803"},"modified":"2023-02-27T12:29:40","modified_gmt":"2023-02-27T16:29:40","slug":"how-to-think-before-you-speak","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-think-before-you-speak\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Think Before You Speak &#038; Say What You Mean"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Why should you think before you speak? What steps should you take to get your thoughts organized?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thinking before you speak allows you to sort out how you&#8217;re feeling. Bento C. Leal&#8217;s book <em>4 Effective Keys to Effective Communication<\/em> says this is crucial because you don&#8217;t want strong emotions controlling the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read on to learn how to think before you speak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-get-organized\"><strong>Get Organized<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Leal recommends learning how to think before you speak to sort out what you\u2019re thinking, how you\u2019re feeling, and what you want to get from the conversation<\/strong>. When we speak before clarifying these factors, our strong emotions might make us confused about what we really want and cause us to act dramatically, possibly saying things that are hurtful or that we don\u2019t really mean. Acting in this way will make the other person unreceptive to what we\u2019re saying and will likely produce an unsatisfactory end to the conversation. In contrast, planning helps us to express exactly what we need the other person to hear in a way that\u2019s easy for them to understand and that triggers productive conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, if your partner upsets you, your strong emotions might flood you with the urge for revenge when rationally, you want to solve the problem and achieve peace. If you don\u2019t take a second to plan your response, these emotions might cause you to accuse or yell at your partner rather than speaking to them with empathy, triggering a major fight. If you\u2019d taken a second to plan your response before speaking, you could have avoided this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Separate Observations From Evaluations and Feelings From Judgments<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/nonviolent-communication\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Nonviolent Communication<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Rosenberg agrees that it\u2019s crucial to stop and organize your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a> before speaking. However, he breaks this process into two steps and provides additional advice that might make Leal\u2019s easier to follow.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Rosenberg\u2019s first step for organizing your thoughts is to <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/nonviolent-communication\/chapters-3-6#step-1-observe-without-evaluating\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">observe your feelings<em> without<\/em> using them to make evaluations of the other person<\/a>. For example, \u201cI feel frustrated\u201d is an observation of your <em>feelings<\/em>. Meanwhile, \u201cyou\u2019re an annoying person\u201d is an evaluation of the person who caused your feelings, but it\u2019s not an objective fact. It\u2019s important to separate these thoughts and avoid making (and communicating) evaluations because they lead to <em>moralistic judgments<\/em>\u2014a form of life-alienating communication discussed in our earlier commentary. Further, this step will help you clearly distinguish between your feelings, your thoughts, and reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Rosenberg\u2019s second step for organizing your thoughts is to<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/nonviolent-communication\/chapters-3-6#step-2-identify-and-express-feelings\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"> accurately identify your emotions and their causes<\/a>\u2014in particular, to clearly distinguish emotions from thoughts. While the word \u201cfeel\u201d should be used to describe your emotions, many people use \u201cfeel\u201d to describe what they\u2019re thinking. For example, you don\u2019t \u201cfeel like this is a bad idea\u201d\u2014you \u201c<em>feel<\/em> uncomfortable because you <em>think<\/em> this is a bad idea.\u201d Once you\u2019ve identified what you\u2019re truly feeling (as opposed to just thinking), try to understand <em>why<\/em> you\u2019re feeling that way. For example, maybe you feel uncomfortable with the idea because you\u2019re afraid that it\u2019s going to get you in trouble.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This second step will help you clearly explain yourself to the other person. Realizing <em>why<\/em> you feel the way you do will also help you to avoid forms of life-alienating communication such as denial of responsibility: You\u2019ll know if <em>you\u2019re<\/em> the reason why you feel the way you do. Finally, this process as a whole will ensure that the conversation reaches a satisfying conclusion for all parties involved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why should you think before you speak? What steps should you take to get your thoughts organized? Thinking before you speak allows you to sort out how you&#8217;re feeling. Bento C. Leal&#8217;s book 4 Effective Keys to Effective Communication says this is crucial because you don&#8217;t want strong emotions controlling the conversation. Read on to learn how to think before you speak.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":88738,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,43],"tags":[909],"class_list":["post-92803","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-self-improvement","tag-4-essential-keys-to-effective-communication","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Think Before You Speak &amp; Say What You Mean - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Don&#039;t let your emotions get the best of you. 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