{"id":91160,"date":"2023-01-31T11:56:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-31T15:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=91160"},"modified":"2023-02-08T12:30:04","modified_gmt":"2023-02-08T16:30:04","slug":"why-do-relationships-end","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-do-relationships-end\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do Relationships End? Reasons Behind Break-Ups"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do relationships end? How does self-justification<\/a> lead to polarization?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)<\/em>, two people who start off sharing the same beliefs can become vastly different over time and lose empathy for each other through a pattern of self-justification.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn how extreme divergence in once similar people’s beliefs can cause relationships to end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Why We Seek Out People Similar to Us (And Avoid Those Who Aren\u2019t)<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Why do relationships end? Polarization and a difference in beliefs and ideas are common reasons why relationships don’t make it. Drifting apart from people who were once close to us because of polarization can be distressing and even lead to us abandoning previously close relationships<\/a>. Because we usually care about the opinions of people close to us, we experience cognitive dissonance when they have beliefs that conflict with our own. Therefore, we generally prefer to be around people who are similar to us, and we might discontinue relationships when our beliefs diverge. Our tendency to gravitate toward people with similar beliefs, values, interests, and experiences (and avoid those we deem different than us) is called affinity bias<\/em><\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thousands of years ago, this was an evolutionary trait that helped us form protective social networks and diverse belief systems<\/a>. Now, it\u2019s a problematic bias that undermines collaboration and limits the ideas we\u2019re exposed to. Studies have mapped affinity bias in the brain\u2014when we think about people within our group, it activates the same neural pathways that light up when we think about ourselves, making us predisposed to show these people more empathy. In contrast, we use other neural pathways to think about people outside of our in-group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Making Different Choices Drives People Apart<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The authors illustrate the pattern of polarizing self-justification starting with a single choice. You and another person are presented with the same dilemma, and one of you chooses the first path, while the other chooses the second. Before making your choice, either of you could have chosen the other path. After <\/em>making your choice, however, each of you uses self-justification to resolve any dissonance that results from your decision, which changes your view on the issues involved in the dilemma. You each believe there was no other option than picking your (starkly different) routes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The authors further explain that your justifications for the original choice inform future actions that again take you further from the other person\u2019s beliefs, and you develop justifications for those subsequent choices. Over time, as you continue a cycle of justification and action, your beliefs on the matter become more extreme and polarized from the beliefs of the person you once agreed with. You\u2019re no longer able to imagine taking the alternative path, and you can no longer remember feeling any differently. These patterns can leave once-similar people unable to empathize with or understand each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example: Giving Someone Money on the Street<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s take a look at a small-scale example. Say that you and a stranger both pass a person on the street asking for money<\/a>. That stranger has a similar background and value system to you. Initially, you\u2019re both conflicted about whether to give the person money\u2014you don\u2019t know what the person will use the money for, and you don\u2019t want to aid someone else\u2019s bad decision. At the same time, the person on the street clearly needs help, and you don\u2019t want them to go hungry just because of your suspicion. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You decide to give the person on the street a few dollars, hoping that they\u2019ll get something to eat. The person thanks you profusely. Afterward, you dismiss any sense of worry you had before with the justification that you just made someone\u2019s day a little bit better. You tell yourself that you can\u2019t control what people will do with the money you give them, but that should never stop you from offering help when someone needs it. The next time someone asks you for money on the street, you give them a few dollars without hesitation. After several positive interactions with people in need, you can no longer imagine ignoring someone asking for money\u2014now, you feel a moral obligation to offer help when you can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The stranger chooses the alternative path\u2014they decide to walk past without acknowledging the person asking for money. They suppress any dissonance from their decision with the justification that they can\u2019t trust that the money won\u2019t be used for something harmful, so it\u2019s better not to get involved. They also heard a story on the news about someone being attacked while trying to give a person money, so they feel justified in protecting their safety. The person on the street can get help from someone else if they really need it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next time they see someone asking for money, the stranger walks to the other side of the street, their prior justifications running through their head. Now, they actively avoid people asking for money, believing that it\u2019s always better to be safe and that it\u2019s not their problem to solve. Though you and the stranger started off with the same hesitations and the same desire to help, you end up with very different values because of a single decision.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why do relationships end? How does self-justification lead to polarization? According to the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), two people who start off sharing the same beliefs can become vastly different over time and lose empathy for each other through a pattern of self-justification. Keep reading to learn how extreme divergence in once similar people’s beliefs can cause relationships to end.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":57823,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[888],"class_list":["post-91160","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mistakes-were-made-but-not-by-me","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do Relationships End? 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