{"id":91154,"date":"2023-01-30T11:56:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-30T15:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=91154"},"modified":"2023-02-08T12:29:59","modified_gmt":"2023-02-08T16:29:59","slug":"why-do-people-hurt-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-do-people-hurt-others\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do People Hurt Others and Rationalize It?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do people hurt others? Why do people justify causing harm?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While we can’t always understand why people hurt others, we can try to understand how they justify it. In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me)<\/em>, Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson argue that we use self-justification<\/a> to hurt others so we can preserve our reputation as being good and right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading to find out how excusing harm ultimately hurts ourselves, and how we can move past it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How We Justify Causing Harm<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Why do people hurt others? Sometimes people inflict pain to get rid of their own pain, but don’t like to admit it. The authors state that when we\u2019ve caused harm, we use self-justification to preserve our self-image as good, righteous people.<\/strong> When we do something that hurts someone else, we often reduce the resulting dissonance by justifying in one of three ways: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Denying wrongdoing entirely  <\/li>
  2. Making excuses<\/a> that minimize our culpability: for example, \u201cI couldn\u2019t help it,\u201d or \u201cI was provoked\u201d <\/li>
  3. Accepting responsibility<\/a> for our actions, but viewing them as isolated past incidents and ignoring their consequences in the present<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Reactions to Hurting or Being Hurt<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    When we\u2019ve hurt someone else, the authors note, we usually seek to move past our harmful actions quickly to resolve the painful dissonance of our actions. Over time, memory distortion<\/a> and self-justification help to reduce the sting of guilt and remorse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: Often, we try to move past actions that we\u2019re ashamed of by suppressing the painful emotions that come with them, such as guilt. This isn\u2019t effective in the long-term, though\u2014emotions that we suppress can actually get worse over time<\/a>, hurt our self-esteem, and cause physical health issues. Instead of suppressing your feelings<\/a>, write down what happened that made you feel guilty. Acknowledge any other emotions that come along with your guilt\u2014anger, regret, and so on. Examine them with nonjudgmental curiosity\u2014often, the situation that caused your guilt is more complex than you think. Working through it can help you productively resolve your dissonance and understand all of your feelings about it.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    By contrast, when we\u2019ve<\/em> been wronged, we generally hold onto the pain of the event for a long time. We\u2019re much more likely to report lasting negative consequences from the actions of the person who hurt us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: It can be hard to forgive someone when they\u2019ve hurt you, especially when they justify their actions instead of apologizing. However, experts say that forgiveness can also be great for our health and happiness<\/a>. So, how do you know when it\u2019s time to forgive? Typically, we\u2019re able to forgive when three conditions are met:<\/a> First, you\u2019ve received a sincere apology. Second, you were able to recover from the hurt\u2014if an emotional or physical injury is permanent, it\u2019s much harder to forgive. Third, the offending behavior stops. If someone hurts you in the same way over and over, they aren\u2019t prioritizing your well-being, and they aren\u2019t truly sorry. The next time you have trouble forgiving, ask yourself if all these conditions have been met.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Additionally, sometimes we use victimhood to justify harm without tarnishing our self-image as a good person. Being wronged creates a sense of self-righteousness, which we can then use to justify cruelty toward the person who hurt us in the name of getting back at them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    How Making Amends Can Heal Both Sides<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Though many of us ignore, downplay, or deny our actions to resolve the dissonance that happens when we\u2019ve hurt someone, that\u2019s not the best or only way to feel better. Rather, making amends and acknowledging your wrongdoing can be healing for both you and the person you\u2019ve hurt.<\/a> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Making amends may feel painful at first, but it also allows you to let go of internalized shame around making mistakes so you can learn, grow, and heal. When you hurt others, you hurt yourself too, and rationalizing with excuses or denying your culpability only reinforces the idea that you\u2019re not allowed to make mistakes. In reality, we\u2019re all fallible\u2014accepting that by making amends can be an act of self-compassion<\/a>, allowing you to forgive yourself<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For the person you\u2019ve harmed, your acknowledgment of the role you had in their suffering can help them heal by making them feel understood and validated. It shows that you care about their feelings and that you\u2019ve made the effort to understand their perspective. That being said, for amends to be healing, they must be genuine\u2014if your apology is disingenuous, it can make the situation worse. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Part of that means avoiding the habit Tavris and Aronson mention of minimizing your actions because they happened in the past\u2014your actions may still strongly affect the person you hurt, even if you\u2019ve moved past them. If you\u2019re apologizing after a long time, explain why it took you so long, and empathize with any remaining feelings they may have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Practicing Radical Acceptance<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    In Radical Acceptance<\/em><\/a>, Tara Brach argues that we lash out when someone hurts or betrays us because their actions make us feel unworthy<\/a>, especially when they\u2019re someone we love. We begin to think there\u2019s something wrong with us, and we resent both the other person for their actions and ourselves for being unworthy of love. Instead of self-justifying<\/a> poor behavior that\u2019s driven by these feelings of anger and resentment, Brach suggests practicing radical acceptance<\/em>: accepting that bad actions don\u2019t mean someone\u2019s a bad person and that everyone has goodness inside them.<\/a> First, accept the goodness in yourself, forgive yourself for your own harmful actions, and let go of the blame and resentment you use to protect yourself from pain. Then, you can begin to forgive others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Why do people hurt others? Why do people justify causing harm? While we can’t always understand why people hurt others, we can try to understand how they justify it. In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson argue that we use self-justification to hurt others so we can preserve our reputation as being good and right. Continue reading to find out how excusing harm ultimately hurts ourselves, and how we can move past it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":1742,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[20,9],"tags":[888],"class_list":["post-91154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-ethics","category-psychology","tag-mistakes-were-made-but-not-by-me","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do People Hurt Others and Rationalize It? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why do people hurt others? Because they use self-justifications to rationalize their unethical and harmful behaviors. 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