{"id":90512,"date":"2023-01-28T05:24:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-28T09:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=90512"},"modified":"2023-01-31T15:35:45","modified_gmt":"2023-01-31T19:35:45","slug":"psychological-barriers-to-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/psychological-barriers-to-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Major Psychological Barriers to Listening Well"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you a good listener? Or do you, like most people, listen to respond instead of to understand?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listening is one of the most important yet overlooked communication skills you can develop. Most people aren’t very good at listening because they listen with the intention to respond, not to understand. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn about the major psychological barriers to listening<\/a> well, according to psychiatrist Mark Goulston. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

1. Personal Biases <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Goulston says that whether we like it or not, the things we hear and the judgments we make about other people are influenced by unavoidable personal biases. The problem is, when we judge someone based on our biases, we use preconceived knowledge that may or may not accurately represent them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are two ways to manage your biases and listen more effectively:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Memorize your biases:<\/strong> Goulston says we judge people based on five categories (gender, age, ethnicity, education, and emotionality). The simple habit of memorizing and staying aware of these categories as you assess someone helps you spot biases that might not apply to them. <\/li>
  2. Use hypothetical justifications:<\/strong> When you have a conflict with someone, make a list of the negative words you\u2019d use to describe them. Then, write five possible reasons that the person is acting the way they are. Next, imagine how your feelings about this person would change if any of these five things were true. Finally, have a conversation with them to discover the real reason they\u2019re acting the way they do.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    2. Dissonance <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    The second psychological barrier to listening is dissonance. When you\u2019re on the same page with someone, they\u2019re more likely to listen to you, but your interactions with others are often clouded by dissonance. Dissonance occurs when you\u2019re perceived differently than the way you think you\u2019re presenting yourself<\/strong> or when you<\/em> perceive someone differently than they<\/em> see themselves. This prevents you from connecting with other people, which means you\u2019ll have a hard time influencing them.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    For example, someone might think they\u2019re being confident and interesting when they ask you out, but to you, they seem arrogant and overbearing. Because you\u2019re perceiving the other person differently than they think they\u2019re coming off, you reflect different emotions back to them and you never land on the same page.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Dissonance also makes us feel unheard and powerless<\/strong>. This can make us defensive and emotional, which prevents us from listening to others. For example, imagine a lady at a retail store who\u2019s passionately concerned about returning a faulty product and finding a replacement. She\u2019s frantic because her grandchild\u2019s birthday is tomorrow and she needs a new gift. Customer service perceives her emotion as aggressive and reflects this aggression back to her, which makes her feel like she isn\u2019t being understood, so she becomes increasingly frustrated. The difference in perception here prevents the two people from reaching a speedy and satisfying solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Here are two ways Goulston says we can overcome dissonance:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1) Ask people you trust to list your worst traits. When you become aware of the negative ways people are perceiving you, you can change them<\/strong> by consciously identifying and avoiding your negative traits on a daily basis. Because people are usually hesitant and uncomfortable giving negative feedback<\/a>, you could instead ask people to list two ways you can improve. This way, you\u2019re hearing ways you can improve in the future rather than reflecting on ways you\u2019ve failed in the past. This is easier for them to say and for you to hear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2) Prevent dissonance by preemptively cautioning whoever you\u2019re interacting with that you may offend them, but that you don\u2019t mean to. This is particularly useful when you\u2019re engaging with people who belong to cultures different from yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3. Personal Limitations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Goulston says that if you hide an obvious weakness, people will think you\u2019re dishonest. This is because if you don\u2019t acknowledge a weakness everyone can see, people may think you\u2019re trying to hide other issues. And if people don\u2019t trust you, they won\u2019t listen to you. Goulston says it\u2019s better to be upfront about your weaknesses so you can establish trust<\/a> and influence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: Other ways to establish trust include accepting the vulnerable things people share with you<\/a> rather than judging them. Additionally, maintain long-term trust by keeping this information private<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    When you admit your weaknesses, the following happens: <\/p>\n\n\n\n