{"id":90509,"date":"2023-01-23T09:15:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-23T13:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=90509"},"modified":"2023-01-31T15:35:35","modified_gmt":"2023-01-31T19:35:35","slug":"listen-to-understand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/","title":{"rendered":"Mark Goulston: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What does it mean to &#8220;listen to understand&#8221;? How do you suppress the tendency to come up with a reply, and instead, channel your energy to really understand what someone is saying?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As a popular adage goes, we should listen to understand, not to respond. However, most of us do the opposite: Instead of attempting to really understand the deeper meaning behind words, we try to come up with a response.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With this in mind, here&#8217;s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-listen-crucial-conversations\/\">how to listen<\/a> to understand, according to psychiatrist Mark Goulston. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-understand-the-other-person-s-perspective\"><strong>Understand the Other Person\u2019s Perspective<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When someone has ideas or emotions that are different from yours, don\u2019t try to criticize their ideas or force your way of thinking on them. This will only motivate them to dig their heels in and solidify their stance. Instead, <strong>try to look at the world from the point of view of the person you\u2019re trying to influence and understand <em>why<\/em> they believe what they do<\/strong>. In other words, listen to understand. This will make them feel less alone and less defensive\u2014and as a result, they\u2019ll be more likely to consider your ideas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/leadership-strategy-and-tactics\"><em>Leadership Strategy and Tactics<\/em><\/a>, Jocko Willink emphasizes that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/leadership-strategy-and-tactics#communicate-regularly-with-your-team\">understanding why someone disagrees with you will help you counter their points<\/a> more effectively.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re trying to influence or cooperate with someone with whom you\u2019re having a conflict of ideas, here are the steps Goulston says you should take to understand their perspective:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Choose an emotion you think the other person is feeling.<\/li><li>Tell the other person that you\u2019re trying to understand what they\u2019re feeling, and that you think it\u2019s <em>blank<\/em> (anger, fear, frustration, and so on). Ask them if this is correct. If it\u2019s not, ask them what they\u2019re feeling. Clarify how <em>strongly <\/em>they feel this emotion.<\/li><li>After they\u2019ve vented about <em>what<\/em> they\u2019re feeling, ask <em>why<\/em> they think they have this feeling. Here is where they will move past their emotion and start discussing the issue at hand.<\/li><li>Finally, ask what needs to happen for this feeling and situation to improve. Ask what they can do to execute their plan. Ask what you can do to help.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In an article published since this book was released, Goulston explains that to truly understand someone, you must <a href=\"https:\/\/hbr.org\/2013\/04\/how-to-really-understand-someo\">get to know their personal capabilities, goals, and external circumstances<\/a>. Doing this will not only help the other person feel appreciative of your awareness, but you\u2019ll also be able to better accommodate their priorities and limitations when you convince them of an idea or offer solutions to their problems. To gather this information, keep these categories in mind as you engage in conversation.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-now-ask-them-to-understand-you\"><strong>Now Ask Them to Understand You<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>After hearing the other person out<\/strong>, encourage them to imagine what <em>you<\/em> are thinking or feeling by using an analogy. Then, compare that analogy to the real issue and explain how whatever they&#8217;re doing makes you feel a similar way. For example, if you\u2019re upset that someone struggles to offer you their attention while you\u2019re talking with them, you could ask that person if they\u2019d be upset with someone that\u2019s constantly looking at their phone while they\u2019re trying to talk to them. Then, you could explain that when they don\u2019t offer you their attention, it makes you feel a similar way.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td>If you\u2019re unable to communicate your hurt feelings through the analogy alone, consider your approach. Experts say that to effectively communicate your feelings and move toward a solution, you should <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/living-forward\/202106\/3-ways-communicate-your-feelings-after-youve-been-hurt\">follow these three steps<\/a>:&nbsp;<br><br><strong>Anticipate a positive outcome<\/strong>. When you believe that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-confront-someone\/\">confronting someone<\/a> will end poorly, you risk suppressing these emotions until they build up and cause you to lash out at the other person. On the other hand, believing that your conversation will be constructive will help you initiate the conversation and stay calm.<br><br><strong>Don\u2019t blame the other person for the way you feel<\/strong>. By blaming the other person for the emotions you\u2019re feeling, you\u2019ll likely cause them to become defensive and closed off to hearing you out. Instead, simply state the emotion you\u2019re experiencing. If the person cares about you, they\u2019ll instinctually ask why you feel that way. When this happens, they\u2019re opening up to you.<br><br><strong>Offer a solution.<\/strong> Instead of explaining what you\u2019d like them to <em>stop <\/em>doing, explain what you\u2019d like them to do <em>differently.<\/em> It\u2019s less aggressive and will encourage them to consider how they can meet your request.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it mean to &#8220;listen to understand&#8221;? How do you suppress the tendency to come up with a reply, and instead, channel your energy to really understand what someone is saying? As a popular adage goes, we should listen to understand, not to respond. However, most of us do the opposite: Instead of attempting to really understand the deeper meaning behind words, we try to come up with a response. With this in mind, here&#8217;s how to listen to understand, according to psychiatrist Mark Goulston.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":19803,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[884],"class_list":["post-90509","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-just-listen","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Mark Goulston: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Most people listen to respond, not to understand. Psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains how to really understand what someone is saying.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mark Goulston: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Most people listen to respond, not to understand. Psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains how to really understand what someone is saying.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-01-23T13:15:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-01-31T19:35:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Mark Goulston: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-01-23T13:15:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-01-31T19:35:35+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\"},\"wordCount\":776,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Just Listen\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/\",\"name\":\"Mark Goulston: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listen-to-understand\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/11\/therapy-talk-conversation-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-01-23T13:15:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-01-31T19:35:35+00:00\",\"description\":\"Most people listen to respond, not to understand. 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