{"id":90087,"date":"2023-01-22T13:27:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-22T17:27:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=90087"},"modified":"2023-01-27T12:00:49","modified_gmt":"2023-01-27T16:00:49","slug":"how-to-figure-out-what-you-want-in-life-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-figure-out-what-you-want-in-life-2\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Figure Out What You Want in Life: Ask Yourself This"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Want to know how to figure out what you want in life<\/a>? What is the most important question to ask yourself<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Luke Burgis wrote his book Wanting<\/em> to teach readers his strategies for living a more meaningful life by taking control of what we want. To figure out what you want in life, Burgis suggests you learn how to distinguish meaningful desires from “mimetic desires.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on for Burgis’s advice on identifying your real desires<\/a> and truly figuring out what you want in life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Figuring Out What You Want in Life<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We spend a lot of time planning how<\/em> to achieve the things we want in life, such as professional and relationship goals\u2014but we rarely consider why<\/em> we want those things. In Wanting<\/em>, Luke Burgis aims to fill this gap by exploring the theory of \u201cmimetic desire,\u201d which argues that we don\u2019t form our own desires\u2014rather, we imitate what other people<\/em> want or have.<\/strong> If you want to know how to figure out what you want in life, Burgis argues, you must first ask yourself what matters most<\/strong> by identifying which of your existing desires are most meaningful. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this article, we’ll explore two of Burgis\u2019s strategies for accomplishing this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Throughout history, many influential scholars have shared Burgis\u2019s viewpoint that awareness about how the world works empowers you to figure out what you want in life and improve society<\/a>. For instance, educator Paolo Freire, well-known for his book Pedagogy of the Oppressed<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>elaborates that awareness empowers you to resist societal oppression, specifically. Friere argues that when people who face oppression (such as people in poverty) learn about the nature of their oppression, they are well-equipped with the knowledge to collaborate with others on resisting that oppression<\/a> through collective action and organizing.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Engage in Deep, Silent Introspection<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Burgis claims that moments of deep, silent introspection are a powerful tool to help you figure out what you want in life because they surface your meaningful desires. <\/strong>You can learn about yourself\u2014especially your deepest desires\u2014by spending time alone, away from the influence of your models. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Burgis, one way to engage in this type of introspection is to go on a multiday, silent retreat.<\/strong> Refrain from talking and screen time to ensure you stay focused on observing your <\/em>thoughts, sensations, and desires. Over several days, your meaningful desires will surface, such as the desire to connect to your roots by spending time in your ancestors\u2019 homeland.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Incorporate Radical Acceptance Into Your Deep, Silent Introspection<\/strong>

Burgis claims that deep, silent introspection can help you to figure out what you want in life\u2014but what if this type of reflection also surfaces your misleading<\/em> desires? In Radical Acceptance<\/em><\/a>, meditation<\/a> teacher Tara Brach provides reassurance that this wouldn\u2019t be a bad thing. She offers a technique for noticing misleading desires during moments of introspection and exploring them to uncover the meaningful desires beneath them.

Brach\u2019s technique, which she calls \u201cradical acceptance,\u201d is a meditative practice in which you observe, accept, and learn from the desires that arise. Try practicing it when you\u2019re engaging in deep, silent introspection and a misleading desire arises. Brach offers the following steps for practicing radical acceptance<\/a>:

1) Notice the feelings and physical sensations that arise as you experience the misleading desire.<\/strong> For instance, say that you have a strong desire for others to praise you for a recent accomplishment. You notice that this desire manifests as an effervescence in your chest (evidence of your eagerness for praise) as well as a sinking feeling in your stomach (evidence of your fear that others won\u2019t <\/em>praise you).

2) Accept your desire. <\/strong>Do this by reminding yourself that the desire isn\u2019t your fault\u2014for instance, you might desire praise as an adult because you didn\u2019t get enough of it as a child and you still hunger for it<\/a>. Brach claims that accepting and refraining from assigning yourself blame for your desire keeps you from dwelling on it and helps you move on to the next step.

3) Uncover the meaningful desire beneath the misleading one. <\/strong>Ask yourself: What is the deeper, simpler, more meaningful desire behind this misleading craving? For instance, you might realize that your desire for praise doesn\u2019t come from your desire to be the best, as you originally thought\u2014rather, it comes from the meaningful desire to be loved. When you crave praise, what you really<\/em> crave is for someone to say they love you. Recognizing this may prompt you to chase this more meaningful desire by deepening your relationships with others<\/a> and specifying what type of love you need.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Use the \u201cMeaningful Desire Test\u201d<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore, Burgis identifies three traits of meaningful desires that distinguish them from misleading ones. We\u2019ve organized these traits into three questions. To help you to figure out what you want in life, you should ask yourself each of the below questions. The more times you answer \u201cyes,\u201d to these questions, the more meaningful that desire is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) Will pursuing the desire improve others\u2019 lives?<\/strong> According to Burgis, meaningful desires tend to improve not only your<\/em> life but also the lives of others. For instance, you may find that your desire to make a six-figure salary in a demanding job is less meaningful than your desire to make a five-figure salary in a less-demanding job because the latter option leaves you with time outside of work to volunteer at a shelter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) Will pursuing the desire produce long-term satisfaction? <\/strong>For example, your desire to eat at restaurants often may provide you with short<\/em> bursts of satisfaction. In contrast, your desire to enroll in a cooking class may be more meaningful: It can provide you with the long-term<\/em> satisfaction of cooking great food for others for the rest of your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3) When you\u2019re on your deathbed, will you be glad you pursued the desire? <\/strong>According to Burgis, people close to dying often regret prioritizing misleading desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Additional Criteria for Figuring Out What You Want in Life<\/strong>

Burgis\u2019s three traits of meaningful desires may help you to figure out what you want in life, but you may also need to consider additional<\/em> criteria. Let\u2019s return to each of the questions in this \u201cmeaningful desire test\u201d to explore why you may need to consider additional criteria, as well as how to do so.

Will pursuing the desire improve others\u2019 lives? <\/strong>As we mentioned earlier, what <\/strong>you<\/em> believe will improve others\u2019 lives may not necessarily align with what others<\/em> believe will improve their lives. Therefore, before jumping to conclusions<\/a> about whether your desire will improve others\u2019 lives, do some research about others\u2019 needs and desires. Consider involving the people you want to support in determining how you should support them. This could lead to what experts call community-centric fundraising<\/a>\u2014when those in need <\/em>determine how they use donors\u2019 money instead of donors<\/em> making that decision for them. Experts in nonprofit work claim that community-centric fundraising is one of the best ways to meet others\u2019 needs.

Will pursuing the desire produce long-term satisfaction? <\/strong>Burgis doesn\u2019t specify what counts as long-term satisfaction\u2014a month? A year? A lifetime? To get around this ambiguity, try asking yourself this question more than once. After you\u2019ve determined that a desire is meaningful and worth pursuing, continue<\/em> to ask yourself this question throughout<\/em> your pursuit of that desire, such as a month and a year into that pursuit. This will provide you with a chance to assess whether the desire has been satisfying so far, which can provide you with evidence for whether it will continue to be satisfying if you keep chasing it.

When you\u2019re on your deathbed, will you be glad you pursued the desire? <\/strong>You may find it hard to imagine what you\u2019ll think when you\u2019re on your deathbed, especially if that seems far away. Therefore, consider modifying this question to make it more relevant in the near future. Business writer Suzy Welch\u2019s \u201c10\/10\/10 test\u201d may fill this gap: Welch claims that you should imagine what your decision\u2019s consequences will be 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years from now<\/a>. Tweak this exercise to make it relevant to desires by asking yourself, \u201cWill this desire <\/em>feel meaningful for me 10 minutes from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?\u201d If you answer \u201cyes,\u201d to all three questions, the desire is likely a meaningful one.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Exercise: Further Explore Your Desires in Life<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now that we’ve explored how to figure out what you want in life based on Burgis’s strategies, put your understanding of meaningful desires over misleading ones to the test: <\/p>\n\n\n\n