{"id":90028,"date":"2023-01-16T11:22:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-16T15:22:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=90028"},"modified":"2023-01-27T15:29:26","modified_gmt":"2023-01-27T19:29:26","slug":"self-worth-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-worth-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Know Your Self-Worth in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the role of self-worth in relationships? Why should you take care of yourself while in a relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Compassion<\/a><\/em> by Kristin Neff examines how self-compassion can improve your relationships<\/a>. She says this can be done by allowing you to change your behavior<\/a> so you can partner and parent more effectively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find out how to be a better partner<\/a> and parent by showing yourself some love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Practice Self-Compassion to Be a Better Partner <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Neff says that self-worth in relationships supports your ability to be a better partner by making you self-reliant and able to have healthy conflicts with your partner. When you\u2019re able to step back from heated conversations, soothe and validate your own feelings, and assess your situation more rationally, you\u2019re less needy and less of an emotional drain on your partner. Creating space to care for yourself during difficult moments also allows you to gain your composure, which can help you refrain from lashing out, reflect on your own behavior, and apologize when necessary. (Shortform note: While Neff focuses on romantic relationships, much of the discussion applies to any relationship.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neff says that to show yourself compassion during challenging moments of your relationship\u2014for example, during a fight with your partner\u2014you should think about what you need in that moment (validation, support, etc.) and then tap into your inner resources to give that thing to yourself. For example, you might say to yourself: \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel sad and hurt. It\u2019s only natural under the circumstances. How can I help?\u201d Acknowledging and validating your own feelings and needs gives you emotional distance and allows you to return to the conversation with a clearer head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Therapists offer three additional, concrete strategies<\/a> beyond those central to self-compassion, to help you fight fair with your partner. First, if you\u2019re in a heated discussion, the moment you feel yourself losing control, tell your partner directly that you need a time out so you can calm down, which will literally stop the blood from draining out of the part of your brain that regulates emotional control. Second, adhere to two strict \u201cno no\u2019s\u201d:  Don\u2019t interrupt your partner while they\u2019re talking, and don\u2019t bring up the past. Your partner needs to feel as heard as you do, and raising the past distracts from the subject at hand.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Practice Self-Compassion to Be A Better Parent<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Neff says that when parents demonstrate self-compassion, not only do they improve their interactions with their children, they also teach<\/em> their children to be self-compassionate by modeling the behavior. She argues that parents should teach their children self-compassion to help them navigate unavoidable parts of life, including pain, imperfection, and failure. Neff offers three tips to value self-worth in relationships with their children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 1: Be Kind to Yourself <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Neff says that being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes in front of your child teaches them that parents are also humans who err, and that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow from. When you have a parenting failure\u2014for example, screaming at your child for doing something infuriating\u2014you can demonstrate kindness toward yourself by:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Taking a moment to acknowledge and be gentle with yourself about why you experienced the failure (your child threw her Cheerios with milk on the floor, leaving you with a mess to clean up).<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
    1. Apologizing to your child for your outburst (\u201cHoney, I\u2019m sorry I yelled at you. I was upset that you threw your cereal on the floor, but I could have told you that it\u2019s not okay to make a mess that someone else has to clean up without yelling at you. I love you\u201d). <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Tip 2: Don\u2019t Criticize Yourself in Front of Your Child <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Neff says that criticizing yourself in front of your child (\u201cI\u2019m so stupid!\u201d or \u201cI can\u2019t believe I gained five pounds\u2014I\u2019m disgusting!\u201d) communicates to them that tearing yourself down in the face of your perceived failings is normal, acceptable behavior. In contrast, being gentle with yourself about your limitations in front of your child will encourage them to be similarly kind towards themselves when they feel insufficient and experience setbacks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      For example, if you realize that your sister\u2019s birthday party is tonight and you forgot to bake the cake, rather than say: \u201cI forgot to make Aunt Linda\u2019s cake, I can\u2019t believe how dumb I am!\u201d try: \u201cShoot! I forgot to make a cake for your aunt\u2019s birthday party tonight. I guess we\u2019ll have to get a cake from the store\u2014maybe you and I can pick out a themed cake that she\u2019ll like!\u201d This communicates to your child that to err is human\u2014and not fatal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Tip 3: Don\u2019t Criticize or Shame Your Child When Correcting Them <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Neff says that when parents routinely criticize their children for making mistakes, those children are more likely to be critical of themselves and experience anxiety and depression<\/a> as adults. You can support your child\u2019s sense of self-worth<\/a> and help them understand the importance of self-compassion by offering corrections that make them feel understood rather than attacked, which also makes them more likely to respond positively to your correction. To do this, you should: <\/p>\n\n\n\n