{"id":89364,"date":"2023-01-22T14:14:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-22T18:14:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=89364"},"modified":"2023-01-25T15:16:33","modified_gmt":"2023-01-25T19:16:33","slug":"the-mind-of-an-abuser","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-mind-of-an-abuser\/","title":{"rendered":"The Mind of an Abuser: 3 Harmful Ways Abusers Think"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is it like inside the mind of an abuser? Why do abusers behave the way they do?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Why Does He Do That?<\/em>, Lundy Bancroft examines the logic behind abusive thinking. He claims abusers feel comfortable engaging in hurtful and immoral behavior for their own benefit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Below we&#8217;ll look at three characteristics of abusers in detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">1. <strong>Abusers Behave Intentionall<\/strong>y<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Abusive behavior can seem senseless or random to the victim, who is unable to predict the abuser\u2019s moods or what might set him off from day to day. According to Bancroft, this is a tactic abusers employ deliberately. The more time a victim has to spend thinking about what the abuser might do, the more control he has over her life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: The unpredictability of an abuser\u2019s behavior may lead a victim to become <a href=\"https:\/\/www.webmd.com\/mental-health\/what-is-hypervigilance\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">hypervigilant,<\/a> constantly on the lookout for subtle changes in the abuser\u2019s mood so that she can try to appease him and avoid a violent outburst. Not only does this rarely work, but it also places the victim in a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.intothelight.org.uk\/article-escaping-tight-grip-hypervigilance\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">permanent and exhausting state of anxiety<\/a>, a \u201csurvival mode\u201d that sees any potential conflict as a threat. As a result, <a href=\"https:\/\/khironclinics.com\/blog\/people-pleasing\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">many victims become people-pleasers<\/a> in their future relationships. Having been conditioned to suppress their own needs and to fear even minor disagreement, victims may struggle to honestly communicate what they feel to a non-abusive partner.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, inside the mind of an abuser, his behavior has a clear goal and logic behind it. This is not to say that all abusers are criminal masterminds who plan their emotional outbursts in advance, but <strong>when an abuser has an outburst, he does so knowing that it will get him what he wants: the victim\u2019s capitulation<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">2. <strong>Abusers Are Self-Centered<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Bancroft argues that because abusers are rational actors and fully in control of their behavior, their decision to be abusive demonstrates a deep selfishness and lack of empathy. An abuser is indifferent to or actively contemptuous of his partner\u2019s happiness and safety, approaching their relationship not as a meeting of equals or a site of compromise, but rather as a power struggle that he intends to win. <strong>He believes that his feelings, opinions, and desires should always be put first and that his partner\u2019s role is to satisfy him<\/strong>.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: An abuser\u2019s selfishness motivates not just his bad behavior, but the \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/10.1002\/9781118929803.ewac0083\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">honeymoon period<\/a>\u201d which typically follows a violent outburst. After a particularly bad incident, the abuser will become loving, attentive, and apologetic, showering the victim with gifts or taking on responsibilities he normally leaves to her. He may promise to change, or attempt to gloss over the incident entirely. Rather than being motivated by actual remorse, these periods work to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.verywellhealth.com\/cycle-of-abuse-5210940\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">keep the victim \u201chooked\u201d on their relationship<\/a>; if she believes he\u2019s trying to get better, she\u2019s less likely to leave or involve the police.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">3. <strong>Abusers See Their Behavior as Justified<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Far from feeling conflicted or guilty about their abuse, many abusers see their behavior as justified and even necessary for the relationship to function. Bancroft notes that while many of his clients fully understood that they were causing harm, they rationalized their behavior, saying things like, \u201cI\u2019m not like one of those men who would hit a woman <em>for no reason<\/em>.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>In the abuser\u2019s mind, the victim actually <em>causes<\/em> the abuse by stepping out of line or upsetting him<\/strong>. He expects his partner to behave according to his rules, and whatever controlling or retaliatory action he takes is either necessary to control her or \u201cnot that bad\u201d compared to truly meaningless cruelty. According to Bancroft, it\u2019s this <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-self-justification\/\">self-justification<\/a> that makes abusers get worse over time, as increasingly violent and aggressive behavior will become acceptable to them if it allows them to maintain control over the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Sometimes, an abuser will attempt to convince his partner to accept these same justifications, telling her that she deserves the abuse, and if she could just be \u201cbetter\u201d he wouldn\u2019t act this way. This is obviously a lie, used to deflect responsibility and break down her self-esteem. No one deserves to be abused, and in fact, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.vice.com\/en\/article\/zmdnm5\/should-you-warn-your-ex-new-girlfriend-abuse\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">most abusers repeat the same behaviors over and over with new partners<\/a>. Abusers aren\u2019t reacting to the needs of their relationship, but repeating the same self-serving patterns of controlling or violent behavior.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is it like inside the mind of an abuser? Why do abusers behave the way they do? In Why Does He Do That?, Lundy Bancroft examines the logic behind abusive thinking. He claims abusers feel comfortable engaging in hurtful and immoral behavior for their own benefit. Below we&#8217;ll look at three characteristics of abusers in detail.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":77437,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[870],"class_list":["post-89364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-why-does-he-do-that","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Mind of an Abuser: 3 Harmful Ways Abusers Think - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Have you ever wondered why abusers behave the way they do? Now, you have the answer. 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