{"id":87599,"date":"2022-12-27T14:54:00","date_gmt":"2022-12-27T18:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=87599"},"modified":"2023-01-03T11:47:57","modified_gmt":"2023-01-03T15:47:57","slug":"brene-brown-and-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/brene-brown-and-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Bren\u00e9 Brown and Shame: 3 Outcomes of the Toxic Feeling"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are the three feelings shame produces? How does shame affect our everyday lives?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Bren\u00e9 Brown in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)<\/em>, shame takes shape in three ways: fear, blame, and disconnection. Brown’s definition of shame<\/a> further claims that sometimes we allow shame to consume our minds.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to read shame-breaking advice by Bren\u00e9 Brown and shame’s hold on our mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Shame Causes Fear, Blame, and Disconnection<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Bren\u00e9 Brown defines shame as a toxic, excruciating feeling that occurs when something or someone makes us feel like we\u2019re defective and unworthy of love and connection<\/strong>. Shame most often happens when we believe we\u2019re being labeled with an identity that we don\u2019t want to be associated with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if you value being important, you might feel shame when another person outwits you because it makes you feel unimportant. Or, if you want to be seen as hardworking, you might experience shame when your boss suggests you spend more time on your work because you fear they think you\u2019re a slacker. Ultimately, when our desired identities are threatened by identities we disdain, we experience shame, according to Bren\u00e9 Brown. And shame apparently consumes our mind, which produces three feelings that cause harm to our health, happiness, and relationships: 1) fear, 2) blame<\/em>, and 3) disconnection<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Most experts agree with Brown’s definition of shame, but some argue that shame isn’t always toxic\u2014sometimes, it can have positive effects. They call this kind of shame \u201chealthy shame\u201d and explain that it helps us survive by teaching us how to behave acceptably and fit in with our community. Rather than shame inevitably leading to fear, blame, and disconnection, they argue that healthy shame can have positive effects like self-correcting unhealthy behaviors, making amends with others, and personal growth<\/a>. They call the shame Brown refers to\u2014the kind that\u2019s self-punishing and lingers after the negative experience\u2014toxic shame<\/em>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Outcome #1: Fear<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Brown, shame causes fear <\/em>because being associated with identities we disdain makes us afraid that we\u2019re unworthy of love and connection<\/strong>. In other words, we fear<\/em> that others won\u2019t want anything to do with us if they associate us with that identity. For example, someone who feels shame over being unimportant fears that this identity will make them a lesser person whom others don\u2019t want to associate with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Brown says our fears (the identities we disdain) usually develop due to societal expectations<\/a><\/em> and the expectations of our inner circle<\/em>\u2014friends, family, peers, bosses, and so on. Societal expectations<\/em> have historically caused many non-conventional identities to become disdained and a point of shame. Similarly, your inner circle<\/em> might have caused you to see \u201ccreativity\u201d as a disdained identity if you grew up in a family that looked down on artistic expression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Outcome #2: Blame<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Shame also leads to anger and blame<\/em>. This is because experiencing anger and assigning blame<\/a> allows us to expel the negative emotion of shame<\/strong>. Anger replaces the painful feeling of shame, and assigning blame allows us to direct that anger either inward or outward. Brown argues that blame in any form is unproductive because it expels negative feelings without addressing their root cause and inspiring change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we direct our anger inward, we blame ourselves for being defective in some way and ultimately deserving the shameful experience.<\/strong> For example, if someone makes you feel unattractive, you might escape the feeling of shame by directing your anger inward and blaming yourself for being foolish enough to ever believe that you were<\/em> attractive. Blaming yourself overrides the feeling of shame by inducing self-hatred and self-pity instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When we direct our anger outward, we blame others for being unjust and feel better by believing that we didn\u2019t deserve the shameful experience. <\/strong>For example, if someone makes you feel unimportant, you may escape shame by directing your anger outward and blaming the other person for being pompous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Outcome #3: Disconnection<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Brown notes that shame causes <\/strong>disconnection <\/em><\/strong>from ourselves and others when we allow it to control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors<\/strong>\u2014when it makes us feel afraid<\/em> and <\/em>angry and causes us to assign blame<\/em>. There are three ways that the effects of shame<\/a> cause disconnection<\/em>: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) Our <\/strong>fear,<\/em><\/strong> inward anger, and <\/strong>blame<\/em><\/strong> cause us to intentionally disconnect from others (emotionally or physically) to hide our shameful identities<\/strong>. You might avoid social events and end up disconnected from friends and peers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) Our fear,<\/em> outward anger, and outward blame<\/em> cause us to unintentionally disconnect from others<\/strong>. For example, someone who feels shame over being unimportant might outwardly direct anger and blame by getting defensive and asserting superiority over anyone who threatens them. This aggression might cause them to unintentionally disconnect by making others dislike and avoid them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3) Our fear<\/em> of being associated with identities we disdain makes us pretend to be someone we\u2019re not, disconnecting us from ourselves<\/em>.<\/strong> For example, someone who feels shame over being seen as \u201cnerdy\u201d might give up certain \u201cnerdy\u201d passions in favor of activities that seem \u201ccool.\u201d This can disconnect them from their true identity and cause confusion about who they really are and what\u2019s truly important to them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What are the three feelings shame produces? How does shame affect our everyday lives? According to Bren\u00e9 Brown in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), shame takes shape in three ways: fear, blame, and disconnection. Brown’s definition of shame further claims that sometimes we allow shame to consume our minds. Keep reading to read shame-breaking advice by Bren\u00e9 Brown and shame’s hold on our mind.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":27933,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,43],"tags":[841],"class_list":["post-87599","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nBren\u00e9 Brown and Shame: 3 Outcomes of the Toxic Feeling - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Shame only brews from negativity. 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