{"id":87296,"date":"2022-12-15T13:30:00","date_gmt":"2022-12-15T17:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=87296"},"modified":"2022-12-28T12:15:21","modified_gmt":"2022-12-28T16:15:21","slug":"setting-boundaries-with-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/setting-boundaries-with-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Setting Boundaries With Parents: The 3 Strategies"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Are your parents overstepping some lines? Do you need to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/when-to-say-no\/\">set boundaries<\/a> with your parents?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Setting boundaries with parents can be frightening, but sometimes it&#8217;s necessary for your own happiness. In <em>Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents<\/em>, Lindsey Gibson advises how to reframe your relationship with your parents so that you can thrive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let&#8217;s look at the key to setting boundaries with parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-reframe-your-relationship\">Reframe your Relationship<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Gibson says that once you understand that your emotionally immature parent likely won\u2019t change, your goal must shift from<strong> trying to forge an emotional connection <em>with<\/em> them, to finding ways to interact with them that aren\u2019t emotionally damaging<\/strong>. The way to do this is by setting boundaries with parents who are toxic. Three strategies can help you manage and create emotional distance from your parent each time you engage with them:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Strategy 1: Enter each interaction with a clear goal<\/strong>. Setting a goal from the outset helps you take control of the interaction and redefine boundaries with your parent. For example, your goal might be to tell your parent that you can only talk on the phone for five minutes because you\u2019re busy, or that you\u2019ll only spend one night with them over the holidays instead of two.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Strategy 2: Focus on speaking your piece clearly and unemotionally<\/strong>. Expressing what you want rather than focusing on your parent\u2019s reaction to you helps honor your authentic needs and feelings. This makes you less likely to be disappointed in their behavior and a step closer to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">building healthy relationships<\/a> with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Strategy 3: Observe and manage each interaction like an outsider looking in<\/strong>. Observing your interaction with your parent from an emotionally detached place will make you feel less like a powerless participant trapped in an unhealthy relationship. For example, think of yourself as a researcher studying a subject. Silently note, in your head, how your parent\u2019s tone of voice changes, how long they talk to you, and how you\u2019d describe what they say to another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Challenges You May Face<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Gibson acknowledges that it can be difficult to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/asserting-yourself\/\">assert yourself<\/a> in these new ways. Breaking out of a familiar role, showing your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/maturity-continuum-7-habits\/\">independence<\/a>, and redefining the terms of your relationship will likely <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-uncomfortable\/\">be uncomfortable<\/a> for everyone involved. Even as you speak your truth, you may hear your parent\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/listening-to-your-inner-voice\/\">voice in your head<\/a> saying that if you don\u2019t do things their way, you\u2019ll be sorry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If, during your interaction, your parent says or does something that makes you feel small, scared, vulnerable, or badly about yourself, that\u2019s a sign that they\u2019ve triggered you emotionally. When this happens, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-recenter-yourself\/\">recenter yourself<\/a> by focusing on your observational strategies again. You can also try breathing deeply or repeating a phrase in your head that reminds you to emotionally disconnect like, \u201cLet go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re unable to emotionally disconnect, make an excuse to walk away from the conversation. Say you have to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, or leave for an appointment. Taking a break allows you to create emotional space so you can regroup and start again, fresh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>More on Setting Boundaries<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Gibson\u2019s strategies all center around setting new boundaries with your emotionally underdeveloped parent. To improve your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/success-is-luck\/\">chance of success<\/a>, consider this additional advice\u2014and cautions\u2014from experts.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>First, consider factors like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/prisons-and-pathos\/202105\/new-way-conceptualise-boundaries#:~:text=thinking%20that%20boundaries%20are%20about,toward%20them.%20They%20may%20say%20things\">the amount of time, energy, and resources you\u2019re willing to expend in your relationship, as well as behavior that you\u2019re willing to accept<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Also, <a href=\"https:\/\/toxicties.com\/boundaries-toxic-parent\/\">make sure that new boundaries you set with your toxic parent are specific and stated clearly<\/a>. For example, if you want your parent to stop showing up at your home unannounced, say: \u201cIt\u2019s okay for you to visit. It\u2019s not okay for you to show up at my house unannounced. I feel strongly about this and will appreciate your respecting my strong preference.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you set new boundaries your parent may get defensive, aggressive, or dismissive. These reactions are irrelevant to your goal of protecting your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-health-and-well-being\/\">emotional health<\/a> so <em>stay the course<\/em>. The more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it will become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, experts on toxic parents suggest that you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com\/free-yourself-from-toxic-parents\/\">carefully choose how and when to engage with them to get the best possible outcome<\/a>. For example, don\u2019t share information you feel vulnerable about that they can weaponize against you. And interact with them when they\u2019re least likely to be agitated or triggered (for example, if they have a drinking problem but are generally sober in the morning, interact with them in the morning, not later in the day).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are your parents overstepping some lines? Do you need to set boundaries with your parents? Setting boundaries with parents can be frightening, but sometimes it&#8217;s necessary for your own happiness. In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsey Gibson advises how to reframe your relationship with your parents so that you can thrive. Let&#8217;s look at the key to setting boundaries with parents.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":19803,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[839],"class_list":["post-87296","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Setting Boundaries With Parents: The 3 Strategies - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sometimes it&#039;s best to put distance between yourself and your parents. 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