{"id":86459,"date":"2022-12-08T12:39:00","date_gmt":"2022-12-08T16:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=86459"},"modified":"2026-01-21T17:20:41","modified_gmt":"2026-01-21T21:20:41","slug":"healthy-relationships-in-recovery","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-relationships-in-recovery\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have Healthy Relationships While in Recovery"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>How do you have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">healthy relationships<\/a> in recovery? How important is it to connect with people in sobriety?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Quit Like a Woman<\/em>, Holly Whitaker claims that part of your recovery journey is learning how to deal effectively with others. Navigating relationships as a newly sober person can be difficult because many of them will change now that you&#8217;re no longer drinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are some ways Whitaker recommends dealing with new and old relationships in recovery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-view-every-relationship-and-interaction-as-a-learning-opportunity\">View Every Relationship and Interaction as a Learning Opportunity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-first-way\/\">The first way<\/a> to have healthy relationships in recovery is to view everyone you encounter along your sobriety journey as a teacher helping you grow, recommends Whitaker. In this way, you can frame difficult people and situations not as obstacles to your happiness, but rather as <em>enablers <\/em>of your future happiness because they alert you to what you will and won\u2019t tolerate.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-untethered-soul\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Untethered Soul<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>Michael A. Singer takes Whitaker\u2019s idea of viewing unpleasant people as teachers even further: He claims that when you decide to be happy\u2014which we can see as akin to embarking on a path of recovery\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-untethered-soul\/chapter-5#take-a-vow-of-unconditional-happiness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">life will <em>actively test your resolve<\/em> by throwing obstacles in your path<\/a>. This means life might <em>intentionally <\/em>make you meet people who try your patience.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-give-yourself-permission-to-change\">Give Yourself Permission to Change<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When you become sober, you\u2019re allowed to change in other, broader ways, assures Whitaker. You don\u2019t owe it to anyone to remain the same person or to continue participating in activities you no longer enjoy. This might mean you lose some of the friends with whom drinking was your main shared activity and other friends who simply can\u2019t be part of your journey\u2014that\u2019s okay. You\u2019ll make new friends, as we\u2019ll discuss next.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-create-a-strong-support-network\">Create a Strong Support Network<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>While Whitaker touts the virtues of spending time alone to get in tune with yourself, she also notes that <strong>it\u2019s critical to establish a strong support network because all humans need community and close connections<\/strong>. This should consist of several types of supporters: advisors (mentors, teachers, therapists), other sober people, and intimate friends.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>She stipulates that you don\u2019t need a huge support network and indeed warns against feeling that your worth is measured by how many friends you have. However, you must resist the urge to fully isolate yourself during recovery because you believe you need time alone to get back in touch with yourself. While reconnecting with yourself is important, being alone all the time isn\u2019t sustainable or healthy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Whitaker offers recommendations for how to find new friends in your sobriety: Seek out sober events, workshops, retreats, meetings, and personalities on social media. Additionally, make new friends whose interests and life goals align with yours (for instance, through volunteerism or activism). <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No matter what, you must take risks to get out there, and it will probably be hard. Be patient: You <em>will <\/em>eventually find a group of supporters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Whitaker\u2019s Recovery Approach and Buddhism<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Whitaker\u2019s recommendations to let yourself change and create a support network draw heavily on Buddhist thought. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-art-of-happiness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>The Art of Happiness<\/em><\/a><em>, <\/em>the Dalai Lama describes some of the concepts Whitaker seems to be using. Let\u2019s look at these and highlight the key differences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-art-of-happiness\/part-4-2#strategy-4-stop-resisting-change\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>Acceptance of Change<\/strong><\/a>: The Dalai Lama stresses that to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/freedom-from-suffering\/\">eliminate suffering<\/a>, you must <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accept-change\/\">accept change<\/a>. However, he focuses more on the acceptance of <em>events around you<\/em>\u2014death, loss, shifting circumstances\u2014while Whitaker\u2019s advice relates more to your <em>internal states<\/em>\u2014your preferences and needs. The external changes she mentions (the loss of certain friends, for instance) are merely outcomes of your internal changes, so she focuses more on that internal change.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-art-of-happiness\/part-3#we-need-other-humans-to-be-happy\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><strong>Support Networks<\/strong><\/a><strong>: <\/strong>The Dalai Lama claims, like Whitaker, that all humans need to feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/how-to-connect-with-people\/\">connected to others<\/a> to be happy. However, he advises establishing <em>many<\/em> close connections with people from different realms of your life. These can give you different types of support (whereas having only one type of connection\u2014a spouse, for instance\u2014can only give you one type of support). While Whitaker also advises finding different <em>types<\/em> of supporters, she doesn\u2019t stress quantity as much as the Dalai Lama, who feels you should establish connections as often as possible.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Further, Whitaker provides specific advice on where to seek new friends, but the Dalai Lama feels you can turn virtually <em>anyone<\/em> into a friend simply by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-art-of-happiness\/part-3#form-many-intimate-relationships-by-being-compassionate\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">being empathetic and approaching them with compassion<\/a>. If you can do this, then perhaps making friends won\u2019t be as difficult or take as long as Whitaker suggests it will.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How do you have healthy relationships in recovery? How important is it to connect with people in sobriety? In Quit Like a Woman, Holly Whitaker claims that part of your recovery journey is learning how to deal effectively with others. Navigating relationships as a newly sober person can be difficult because many of them will change now that you&#8217;re no longer drinking. Here are some ways Whitaker recommends dealing with new and old relationships in recovery.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":73616,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,12,43],"tags":[830],"class_list":["post-86459","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-quit-like-a-woman","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Have Healthy Relationships While in Recovery - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Healthy relationships in recovery give you the support system you need to stay sober. 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