How can you make a friendship last? What are the qualities of a long-lasting friendship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many friendships come and go, but some friendships last for a lifetime. Like a romantic relationship, friendships require a lot of work from both parties. However, if you\u2019re willing to put the work in, you will have a loyal and dependable friend for a long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Below you\u2019ll learn how to make meaningful friendships, and how to maintain those friendships for life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of\u00a0Shortform\u2019s guide to friendships<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Before getting into how to make long-lasting friends, let\u2019s look at the benefits of having friends that last a lifetime. The Happiness Project<\/em><\/a> by Gretchen Rubin says that making new friends throughout your life is important for several reasons\u2014they provide you with greater feelings of connection, they offer new sources of support, and they can introduce you to new perspectives and interests. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Flow,<\/em><\/a> by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, says that in contrast to relationships with family members, it\u2019s easier to enjoy friendships because you\u2019re able to choose friends who have similar goals and interests\u2014your friends affirm your current goals.<\/strong> People report their most positive moods with friends and tend to associate friendships with adventure and excitement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Friendship can be a flow-producing experience because it\u2019s one of the only relationships in which you can fully express yourself. With your family, you may have to fit a certain role, such as being respectful to your parents, or if you\u2019re a parent, providing care to your children. At work, your behavior may be expected to reflect your role. In contrast, with friends, you can show your true self<\/a> because your goals are similar. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Making friends is easier said than done. First, you have to strike up a conversation, then make a special connection. Thankfully, all you really have to do is learn the art of conversation so you can show people you\u2019re interested in getting to know them. We\u2019ve gathered a few techniques that will help you form long-lasting friendships by just talking to them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Before you can start a conversation<\/a> with a potential friend, you have to find someone to have that conversation with.<\/em> When choosing someone to talk to, The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em><\/a> by Debra Fine recommends the following two-step process:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Scan the room and find someone who\u2019s on their own<\/strong>, who\u2019s not engaged in a conversation or an activity, and who makes eye contact with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. When you make eye contact, smile at the person.<\/strong> Fine explains that this shows the other party you\u2019re interested in them and immediately establishes a rapport. When you smile at someone, their natural response is to smile back; right off the bat, the two of you share a positive feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, Fine explains how to properly introduce yourself and break the ice to begin a long-lasting friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once you\u2019ve chosen a conversational partner and established rapport through a smile, walk up to them, make eye contact, smile again, and shake their hand.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Say, \u201cHi. My name is\u2026\u201d Then, stay focused as the other person returns the introduction. Remember their name <\/strong>and use it immediately: For instance, say \u201cNice to meet you, Albert!\u201d If you miss a person\u2019s name, Fine recommends asking them to repeat it.<\/strong> Remember that everyone has the right to be called by their name and that those with difficult names will appreciate it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The first step in starting a conversation, Fine explains, is to break the ice. According to Fine, it doesn\u2019t matter much what<\/em> you say as an opener; in theory, you could say anything<\/em><\/strong>. What matters is that you initiate the conversation and show <\/strong>genuine interest<\/em><\/strong> in the other person\u2019s answer.<\/strong> Her recommendation, if you\u2019re having trouble, is to open with a statement that uses the context of the situation, event, or venue, and then ask them a related question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re afraid to talk to someone because you fear you\u2019ll have nothing in common, Fine suggests you keep in mind that humans are more alike than they are different<\/strong>. If you give other people a chance, she says, you\u2019ll find you can connect with almost anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As said before, when talking to someone you want to be friends with, you must show you have a genuine interest in them. Here are a few tactics for showing someone you care about them and their interests, as recommended in How to Win Friends and Influence People<\/em><\/a> by Dale Carnegie:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In How to Talk to Anyone<\/em><\/a>, Leil Lowndes argues that in Western society, people instinctively know how to distinguish between nonverbal \u201cI like you\u201d signals and \u201cGet away from me\u201d signals. People gravitate toward those who appear to like them. Therefore, you can appear more approachable by becoming conscious of the signals your body language<\/a> is sending and making sure they\u2019re saying, \u201cI like you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lowndes decodes this silent language and explains how to create a positive impression through the following four techniques.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Lowndes, people interpret poor posture as an unwelcoming signal. Slouching implies that you\u2019re insecure or ashamed and don\u2019t want to be approached. <\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other hand, people interpret good posture as a welcoming signal because it implies that you\u2019re proud and confident and have nothing to hide. This tricks them into assuming that you\u2019re an accomplished person who deserves their attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lowndes claims that people interpret fidgeting and guarded movements as insincerity because they make you look suspicious and defensive: <\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other hand, Lowndes argues, people interpret a relaxed and open stance as a sign of an honest and welcoming personality because it signals that you\u2019re calm, unafraid of appearing vulnerable (because you have nothing to hide), and approachable. To come across as calm, self-assured, and trustworthy, practice keeping your arms loosely by your sides with your palms and wrists faced upwards. If you\u2019re approached by people you want to talk to, turn your body totally towards them to show them they\u2019ve got your full attention\u2014this implies that you\u2019re happy to be in their company and puts them at ease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Lowndes, people don\u2019t respond warmly to quick, instinctive smiles because they interpret them as impersonal\u2014they assume that you\u2019re flashing that smile at anyone you come across. This impels them to respond in kind, by acting detached or distant. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Another behavior that puts people off, Lowndes argues, is a lack of eye contact. Others interpret it as a sign that you\u2019re either distracted or uncomfortable, and this makes it difficult for them to form an emotional connection with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To get a warm response, Lowndes suggests that you avoid your instinct to flash a quick smile at anyone you meet. Instead, look the recipient in the eyes, pause briefly, and then let out a big warm smile while maintaining eye contact. The delay will convince recipients that you\u2019re smiling just for them and they\u2019ll instantly feel like you\u2019re happy to meet them. As you continue your conversation, attempt to maintain a comfortable amount of eye contact to convince them that you\u2019re interested in what they have to say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Lowndes suggests a way to automatically trick your body into sending positive signals: Pretend that you\u2019re already close friends with the people you want to talk to. She argues that you only feel\u2014and broadcast\u2014discomfort when you\u2019re feeling unsure about how others will respond to you. However, when you imagine that you\u2019re already close friends, you remove this uncertainty and automatically feel more relaxed and comfortable around others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Lowndes, pretending to like others feels so good that it eventually turns into genuine affection. While you\u2019re initially only pretending to like them, you\u2019re sending signals that put them at ease\u2014encouraging them to like you and respond warmly to you. This makes you want to like them, resulting in a genuinely comfortable and enjoyable interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Active listening is an important skill to facilitate effective communication and ingratiate yourself with others. It\u2019s an ongoing process in which you listen fully to the speaker\u2019s message and validate their words by giving visual and verbal feedback. The Success Principles<\/em><\/a> by Jack Canfield covers the benefits of active listening:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Three components make you a better listener, according to Debra Fine\u2019s The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em><\/a>\u2014you\u2019ll make others feel heard, so they\u2019ll actively seek you out for conversation, company, and support. Let\u2019s look at each component in detail so you can build a long-lasting friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fine explains that when you listen to someone, you should use your body language to communicate your interest and engagement. <\/strong>Here\u2019s how:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1.<\/strong> Act as if<\/a> there were no distractions in the room.<\/strong> Fine suggests you face your partner openly and directly and smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Nod, make eye contact, and stay focused on the speaker.<\/strong> If you have trouble maintaining eye contact, Fine suggests you look at the space between their eyes instead of directly at them; your partner won\u2019t be able to tell the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Be aware of what your body language implies.<\/strong> Don\u2019t cross your arms and legs, place your hands on your hips, or rest your chin in your hand. Don\u2019t fidget or keep your head down. Fine notes that these signs are typically interpreted as implying boredom, disinterest, disagreement, or hostility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Verbal cues, Fine explains, add to the reassurance provided by visual cues. Verbally indicating that you\u2019re present and aware encourages your partner to keep speaking.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Fine notes that you can use verbal cues to show you understand, agree, disagree, or want to hear more. For example, you can say: \u201cHmm, I see…\u201d \u201cWhat makes you feel that way?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can also use verbal cues to transition to another topic. For example, you can say: \u201cThat reminds me: I\u2019ve heard that\u2026 What do you think about that?\u201d or \u201cSince you\u2019re an engineer, I wonder if you could explain…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n One helpful verbal cue is to paraphrase and repeat,<\/strong> the author suggests. This technique lets you clarify that you understood the other person correctly, or helps them recognize where you misunderstood what they were trying to say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are some common ways to paraphrase and repeat:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, remember that giving visual and verbal cues that suggest <\/em>you\u2019re listening isn\u2019t enough: You have to actually listen, too. Listening is your job in the conversation, Fine argues, and it isn\u2019t optional.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n You previously learned tools for starting new friendships. In this section, we\u2019ll teach you how to maintain long-lasting friendships by keeping new and <\/em>old friends feeling valued and happy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In their book The Like Switch<\/em><\/a>, most of Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins\u2019s advice for maintaining long-lasting friendships can be broken down into one simple rule: People like people who increase their sense of self-worth<\/a>.<\/strong> If you do things for a person that contribute to their positive sense of self, they\u2019ll associate good feelings with your presence, and they\u2019ll want to be around you more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are many ways to make people feel good about themselves, and the authors outline several tried and tested methods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Empathic responding is a type of communication that requires you to first notice how someone feels; then, speak to them in a way that shows you recognize the deeper emotional meaning behind their words and behaviors. The authors assert that responding to a friend empathically puts them at the center of the conversation, helping them feel understood and cared for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let\u2019s look at an example. Say you have dinner plans with a friend. When she arrives at the restaurant, she\u2019s clearly stressed about something. After you greet each other, you could respond empathically to her behavior by saying, \u201cLooks like you had a long day.\u201d This demonstrates that you recognize her stress signals and that you want to know more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n She tells you that she got in trouble with her boss today for missing a project deadline, but it wasn\u2019t her fault. Your empathic response could be, \u201cYou\u2019re frustrated because you got blamed for something that you couldn\u2019t control.\u201d With this response, you\u2019re paraphrasing the basics of her situation, and you\u2019re assigning a feeling to it (frustration) based on her reaction to the situation she presented. As this example demonstrates, empathic responding keeps the conversation going while validating and centering your friend\u2019s experiences and emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors note that compliments can be a great tool in a long-lasting friendship. They make people feel good about themselves by pointing out qualities you value in them and celebrating their achievements. However, compliments can often come off as insincere, especially when you don\u2019t know a person very well. When used ineffectively, compliments may be mistaken for flattery, which suggests you want something in return for your kind words. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Schafer and Karlins offer a couple of workarounds that allow you to compliment people without them assuming you have an ulterior motive. First, you can send a compliment through a middle person. This involves complimenting your friend to someone you both know (someone who will tell your friend what you said). Your friend will still hear the nice thing you said about them, but it won\u2019t seem artificial because it isn\u2019t coming directly from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, you can make someone feel good by helping them to compliment themselves. Instead of paying a friend a direct compliment, make more generalized statements that highlight positive characteristics your friend can then realize they have. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if a friend wears an outfit you like, a direct compliment might be, \u201cThat\u2019s a really nice outfit. You have good fashion sense.\u201d To instead help your friend compliment herself, you could say, \u201cIt takes an artistic eye to put such a fashionable outfit together.\u201d In the second option, you\u2019re setting your friend up to think, \u201cYes, I do have an artistic eye for fashion.\u201d She compliments herself by applying the characteristics you identified\u2014an artistic sensibility related to fashion sense\u2014to her situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Schafer and Karlin, people readily take chances to self-compliment. Additionally, when the compliment is technically coming from themselves, people won\u2019t assume insincerity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The authors argue that asking a friend for a small favor makes them feel helpful and contributes to their positive sense of self. They\u2019ll associate these good feelings with you and like you more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, you might ask a friend if you can borrow their copy of a book you\u2019ve discussed. It\u2019s a small ask, but fulfilling it could make your friend feel charitable, increase their sense of importance, and show that you care about your shared interests. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s important not to ask for too much, though. If people think that you\u2019re trying to take advantage of them, those good feelings can sour quickly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Flow<\/em><\/a> asserts that for long-lasting friendships to be enjoyable, you have to find new challenges to work on together. Intimate friendships are much more likely to provide these experiences. For example, working to understand each other\u2019s uniqueness can be enjoyable. <\/strong>You have to share yourself, and pay attention to them when they do the same. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Note: <\/strong>You\u2019ll have more enjoyable experiences with friends who challenge you and help you grow than with casual friends. If your friends affirm you without questioning you at all, it won\u2019t be as enjoyable. <\/strong>For example, regularly going out with drinking buddies and shooting darts or playing cards might be a pleasurable way to affirm your identity and ward off loneliness, but it won\u2019t bring the same enjoyment that more complex, growth-producing activities do. With drinking buddies, you can participate in the group\u2019s banter and joking, but a lot of the dialogue is predictable and doesn\u2019t produce flow like a more original conversation would. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Developing meaningful friendships takes effort. In childhood and adolescence, when you have ample free time, finding friends can feel easy compared to having to do it as an adult. Many adults express nostalgia for the friends they had growing up but fell out of contact with. You can still find meaningful friendships; just put in the same effort you do with other flow experiences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The work of maintaining friendships<\/a> is easily pushed aside in the context of everyday life. Make an effort to stay in touch and show up for your friends. Here\u2019s what The Happiness Project<\/em><\/a> recommends:<\/p>\n\n\n\n To have a close friendship, you need to be personal with them and get to know them on a deeper level. One way to do this is to open up to them about your dreams, hopes, or any negative feelings. By opening up to others, you invite them to engage and involve themselves with you<\/a>. Your vulnerability creates mutual trust between both of you, which is the foundation of any friendship. Difficult Conversations<\/em><\/a> has advice for opening up to people about your personal life.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Benefits of Making Long-Lasting Friendships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
How to Make Long-Lasting Friendships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Introduce Yourself and Break the Ice<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to Introduce Yourself and Learn Their Name<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Break the Ice<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How to Show Genuine Interest in Someone<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Appear Approachable and Likable<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #1: Stand Tall<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Technique #2: Relax and Remove Physical Barriers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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Technique #3: Delay Your Smiles and Maintain Eye Contact<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Technique #4: Pretend You\u2019re Already Close Friends<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Be an Active Listener<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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How to Listen Actively<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Give Your Partner Visual Cues<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Give Your Partner Verbal Cues<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
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The Mental Component of Listening<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
How to Keep Long-Lasting Friendships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Make Others Feel Good About Themselves<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Communicate Empathically<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Compliment Effectively<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Ask for Favors (But Not Too Many)<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Make an Effort to Maintain the Friendship<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Be Personal With Your Friends<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n