{"id":85066,"date":"2022-11-28T05:04:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-28T09:04:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=85066"},"modified":"2022-12-05T15:29:08","modified_gmt":"2022-12-05T19:29:08","slug":"fear-of-rejection-dating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection in Dating"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you avoid asking women out because you&#8217;re scared of being rejected? How do you overcome the fear of rejection in dating? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You\u2019ll inevitably encounter some women who are clearly disinterested, but that shouldn&#8217;t put you off from dating. Fear of rejection is a big impediment to your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-attract-women\/\">success with women<\/a> because it prevents you from trying, and you can&#8217;t succeed if you don&#8217;t try. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With this in mind, here&#8217;s how to overcome the fear of rejection in dating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-overcoming-fear-of-rejection\"><strong>Overcoming Fear of Rejection<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When you don\u2019t pursue a woman because you\u2019re worried she\u2019ll reject you, you embody non-confidence: You\u2019re prioritizing her potential judgment of you instead of acting on your own truth (your desire to approach her). In contrast, by actively pursuing a woman, you embody confidence: You\u2019re acting on your own truth\u2014even if you\u2019re afraid that she\u2019ll reject you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck\/\"><em>The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck<\/em><\/a>, Manson adds that overcoming your fear of rejection in dating is helpful not just when pursuing a woman but also once you\u2019ve entered into a committed relationship with one. Manson asserts that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck\/chapter-8#rejection-in-love-relationships\">in a healthy relationship, both partners prioritize being honest with each other<\/a>; in other words, they both act on their own truths and embody confidence, and they\u2019re comfortable with both saying and hearing \u201cno.\u201d While this rejection can result in hurt feelings, this pain is short-lived because both partners care about each other enough to work through the difficulty together.)&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Manson warns that if you <em>don\u2019t<\/em> overcome these worries, you\u2019ll likely handle them in a potentially problematic way. Notably, you might hold women responsible for your fear, which can create damaging prejudices. For example, if you\u2019re afraid to speak to women, you might fool yourself into thinking that the reason you don\u2019t <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/talking-to-women\/\">talk to women<\/a> is that all women are too stupid to talk to you. Alternatively, you might tell yourself that you don\u2019t know <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-talk-to-females\/\">how to talk to women<\/a> yet and need to learn more flirting tips\u2014which prevents you from practicing and improving your real-life skills. For example, you\u2019ll read yet another dating book instead of going on Tinder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Incel Psychology: The Risk of Not Overcoming Your Worries<\/strong><br><br>If your fear prevents you from actively pursuing women and you\u2019re trying to learn more about how to approach them online, you might come across the incel community. \u201cIncels,\u201d or involuntary celibates, believe that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.vox.com\/2018\/6\/20\/17314846\/incel-support-group-therapy-black-pill-mental-health\">they weren\u2019t born physically attractive and are thus unable to have sexual relationships with women<\/a>.&nbsp;<br><br>These men assume that women <em>only<\/em> sleep with physically attractive men, that other qualities like kindness don&#8217;t attract women, and moreover, that their own levels of physical attractiveness are fixed and not improvable. As a result, they blame women for their lack of sexual prowess and don\u2019t try to date them because they think they\u2019ll be rejected anyway. Incels sometimes go to extremes: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.newamerica.org\/political-reform\/reports\/misogynist-incels-and-male-supremacism\/mass-violence-and-terrorism-since-santa-barbara\/\">Many self-identified incels have committed mass murder<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>That said, overcoming these worries doesn\u2019t necessitate that you get rid of them entirely. As Manson points out, worry is a normal emotion that you\u2019ll never eradicate. Rather, to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/build-confidence-and-destroy-fear\/\">build confidence<\/a>, you must learn to act <em>despite<\/em> any worry you might feel. Each time you do so, you\u2019ll become a little bit braver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, if you ask a woman you\u2019ve never met out on Instagram, you should write, \u201cI know this is a little weird, but do you want to meet in person sometime?\u201d\u2019&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Why Acting Despite Your Worry Might Make You Braver<\/strong><br><br>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence\"><em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em><\/a>, Daniel Goleman elaborates on why acting despite your worry might make you braver. Goleman explains that worry exists because it\u2019s beneficial: Worrying helps you come up with solutions by anticipating danger before it occurs. This is why it\u2019s tough to simply stop worrying\u2014your rational brain sees <em>why<\/em> worrying is good and so wants you to continue doing so.&nbsp;<br><br>Therefore, Goleman states that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence\/chapter-5-2#how-to-manage-anxiety\">you must actively challenge your worries<\/a> by asking yourself questions like, \u201cIs this dreaded event probable?\u201d. It\u2019s possible that acting despite your worry also constitutes a challenge to those worries: You prove to your brain that your worry wasn\u2019t useful\u2014and so you\u2019re less likely to worry when you take a similar action in the future.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-act-despite-your-worry\"><strong>How to Act Despite Your Worry<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>So how do you get yourself to act despite your worry? Manson suggests that the first step to overcoming these worries is to <strong>identify exactly what scares you<\/strong>. The most damaging fear is the fear of approaching a woman because unless you can speak to a woman, you\u2019ll never forge an intimate connection with her. However, you may be scared of other things, like asking her out once you\u2019ve gotten her number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: The <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/factfulness\/\"><em>Factfulness<\/em><\/a> authors argue that fear depends on both your risk and exposure, and so you can <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/factfulness\/4#overcoming-the-fear-instinct\">reduce your fear by evaluating the likelihood of your feared outcome actually happening<\/a>. So after identifying exactly what scares you, consider also identifying your worst-case scenario and how likely that scenario is to happen. For example, your worst-case scenario when approaching a woman or asking her out might be that she tells you that you\u2019re gross and that she was never interested in you\u2014but most people are polite enough not to do that. By acknowledging that your worst-case scenario is unlikely to happen, you\u2019ll lessen your fear.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, <strong>select the tiniest possible version of the thing that scares you.<\/strong> Repeat this tiny thing daily until it\u2019s not hard, then make it slightly harder\u2014until you eventually work up to doing the major thing that scares you. For example, say you\u2019re scared of having conversations with women. Instead of trying to force yourself to talk, make a goal to simply smile at three women each day. Once you grow comfortable with that, add just one sentence, like \u201cHave a nice day!\u201d when speaking with, say, a female barista. Slowly work up to adding more sentences until you\u2019re comfortable with a full-blown conversation.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Manson\u2019s description of how to overcome your worries is similar to how BJ Fogg recommends that you develop a habit in <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/tiny-habits\/\"><em>Tiny Habits<\/em><\/a>. Like Manson, Fogg suggests that you <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/tiny-habits\/1-page-summary#the-behavior-design-process\">identify an impactful behavior and make it completely unintimidating<\/a> by selecting its tiniest possible version. Fogg recommends that you repeat this behavior daily until it\u2019s not hard, and then expand it slightly. Unlike Manson, Fogg suggests that you <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/tiny-habits\/chapter-4-1#the-mechanics-of-celebration\">celebrate each time you successfully perform the tiny behavior<\/a>\u2014a habit you may want to adopt each time you successfully do the tiny thing that scares you. When you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/celebrate-your-success\/\">celebrate your success<\/a>, you feel good\u2014and your brain notes and reinforces any actions it performed before feeling good.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you avoid asking women out because you&#8217;re scared of being rejected? How do you overcome the fear of rejection in dating? You\u2019ll inevitably encounter some women who are clearly disinterested, but that shouldn&#8217;t put you off from dating. Fear of rejection is a big impediment to your success with women because it prevents you from trying, and you can&#8217;t succeed if you don&#8217;t try. With this in mind, here&#8217;s how to overcome the fear of rejection in dating.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":6373,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[815],"class_list":["post-85066","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-models","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection in Dating - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Fear of rejection is a huge barrier to your dating success, as it prevents you from trying. But how can you possibly succeed if you don&#039;t try?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection in Dating\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Fear of rejection is a huge barrier to your dating success, as it prevents you from trying. But how can you possibly succeed if you don&#039;t try?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-11-28T09:04:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-12-05T19:29:08+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/mindset-rejection.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"779\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"461\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection in Dating\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-11-28T09:04:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-12-05T19:29:08+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\"},\"wordCount\":1168,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/mindset-rejection.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Models\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/\",\"name\":\"How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection in Dating - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fear-of-rejection-dating\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/mindset-rejection.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-11-28T09:04:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-12-05T19:29:08+00:00\",\"description\":\"Fear of rejection is a huge barrier to your dating success, as it prevents you from trying. 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