{"id":84452,"date":"2022-11-19T17:16:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-19T21:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=84452"},"modified":"2026-04-22T16:48:34","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T20:48:34","slug":"loving-what-is-4-questions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/loving-what-is-4-questions\/","title":{"rendered":"Loving What Is: The 4 Questions to Ask Yourself"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What are the <em>Loving What Is<\/em> 4 questions? What is the purpose of each question? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In&nbsp;<em>Loving What Is<\/em>, Byron Katie recommends asking yourself four questions, which, she claims, will <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-change-your-life-in-5-simple-steps\/\">change your life<\/a> for the better. Specifically, these questions are designed to identify and address distorted and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-negative-unhelpful-thoughts-set-you-back\/\">unhelpful thoughts<\/a> that cloud your judgment and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/perception-of-the-world\/\">perception of the world<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s explore the purpose of each of these four questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-is-this-an-absolute-truth-that-i-cannot-disprove\"><strong>#1: Is This an Absolute Truth That I Cannot Disprove?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The purpose of the first of<em> The Loving What Is<\/em> 4 questions, \u201cIs this an absolute truth that I cannot disprove?\u201d is to <strong>search through your memories for at least one piece of evidence that <em>disclaims<\/em> your statement, revealing it as untrue<\/strong>. According to Katie, your answer should be a simple \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cno.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #1:<\/strong> If you remember at least <em>one<\/em> time that your children helped you with the chores or showed you respect, the statement, \u201cMy children <em>never<\/em> help with the chores because <em>they don\u2019t respect me<\/em>,\u201d reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #2:<\/strong> If you remember at least one time you had enough money or felt successful, the statement, \u201cI <em>never<\/em> have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,\u201d reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is \u201cno.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-2-how-do-i-feel-and-behave-when-i-think-this-thought\"><strong>#2: How Do I Feel and Behave When I Think This Thought?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The purpose of the second question, \u201cHow do I feel and behave when I think this thought?\u201d is to <strong>list all of the consequences of thinking this thought<\/strong>. This will help you become more conscious of how your thoughts affect your emotions and behaviors. Katie suggests that you consider how thinking this thought influences:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Your subsequent <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How you speak to and behave toward others or react to your circumstances<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #1:<\/strong> When you think, \u201cMy children never help with the chores because they don\u2019t respect me,\u201d you can\u2019t help but think about additional ways your children make your life difficult. This makes you feel resentful and victimized. When you feel like this, your interactions with your children swing between emotional withdrawal and lashing out in anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #2:<\/strong> When you think, \u201cI never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,\u201d your thoughts focus on all of the things you want but can\u2019t have, or on how other people seem to effortlessly get what they want. This makes you feel like your life\u2019s cruel and unfair\u2014and these feelings make you believe that you\u2019re powerless to improve your situation. As a result, you don\u2019t feel motivated enough to take constructive actions, such as creating a budget or opening a savings account, and you let your financial situation devolve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: If acknowledging the consequences of resistant thoughts inspires self-criticism, remember that the goal of this step isn\u2019t to judge or berate yourself for engaging in negative behaviors, but to increase awareness of how your thoughts influence you. To overcome any self-critical thoughts, focus on <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/compassion-for-yourself\/\">self-compassion<\/a> during this step. For example, you might consciously <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-forgiveness\/\">forgive yourself<\/a> for any behaviors that inspire feelings of shame or guilt. By <a href=\"https:\/\/www.reflectioncounselling.ca\/blog\/2020\/4\/9\/the-art-of-self-compassion\">shifting your focus from criticism to kindness<\/a>, you\u2019ll be better able to understand the consequences of your thoughts without falling into the trap of self-defeating thoughts.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-3-how-does-this-thought-benefit-me\"><strong>#3: How Does This Thought Benefit Me?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The purpose of the third question, \u201cHow does this thought benefit me?\u201d is to <strong>reveal that there is no benefit to thinking resistant thoughts<\/strong>. Katie suggests that you consider whether thinking this thought inspires any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #1:<\/strong> The thought, \u201cMy children never help with the chores because they don\u2019t respect me,\u201d doesn\u2019t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn\u2019t benefit you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #2:<\/strong> The thought, \u201cI never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,\u201d doesn\u2019t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn\u2019t benefit you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-4-how-would-i-feel-and-behave-without-this-thought\"><strong>#4: How Would I Feel and Behave Without This Thought?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The purpose of the fourth question, \u201cHow would I feel and behave without this thought?\u201d is to <strong>imagine how you\u2019d feel about your situation if this thought had never crossed your mind. <\/strong>This will help you understand that it isn\u2019t the situation that\u2019s making you feel bad. Rather, only this <em>thought<\/em> about the situation is making you feel bad. Katie suggests that you consider how you\u2019d interpret your situation if you didn\u2019t think this thought, and how this might change the way you feel and behave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #1:<\/strong> Without the thought, \u201cMy children never help with the chores because they don\u2019t respect me,\u201d you wouldn\u2019t resent them or focus on how they make your life difficult. Without these resistant thoughts clouding your judgment and emotions, you would find it easier to focus on what\u2019s positive in your family life and enjoy being a parent to your children. And, each time you noticed that the chores hadn\u2019t been done, you\u2019d be able to ask them for help rationally and constructively.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Example #2:<\/strong> Without the thought, \u201cI never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,\u201d you would realize that what you have right now is enough to fulfill your needs. You might also notice that it is only your fears about not having enough money in the future that make you feel bad, and decide to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-train-your-focus\/\">train your focus<\/a> on the present moment to prevent unnecessary <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/anxiety-about-the-future\/\">anxiety about the future<\/a>. As a result, you wouldn\u2019t feel any negative emotions about your finances and would find it easier to appreciate what you do have.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\">\n<table>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td><strong>Lateral Thinking Challenges the Influence of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/cognitive-heuristics\/\">Cognitive Biases<\/a><\/strong><br \/><br \/>If you find it difficult to imagine how you\u2019d feel and behave without your resistant thoughts, you may be under the influence of cognitive biases. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.boardofinnovation.com\/blog\/16-cognitive-biases-that-kill-innovative-thinking\/\">Biases are the result of your brain\u2019s attempt to make quick judgments based on your past experiences.<\/a> While there are many different types of cognitive biases, each influencing you in different ways, they all <strong>restrict your thoughts to what you know and have experienced<\/strong>\u2014limiting your ability to objectively assess alternative perspectives and feel differently.\u00a0\u00a0<br \/><br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/www.interaction-design.org\/literature\/topics\/lateral-thinking#:~:text=Lateral%20thinking%20(horizontal%20thinking)%20is,to%20help%20find%20innovative%20solutions.\">Lateral thinking methods<\/a>, such as <a href=\"https:\/\/lifehacker.com\/how-to-use-mind-maps-to-unleash-your-brains-creativity-1348869811\">mind mapping<\/a> and using <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/six-thinking-hats\">Six Thinking Hats<\/a>, rely on your imagination and restrict the influence of cognitive biases. This is because they employ the creative side of your brain, an area where your biases don\u2019t operate. Consequently, these methods make it easier to break free from resistant thoughts and envision other possibilities.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/figure>\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Challenge Your Opinions and Beliefs<\/strong><br><br>Like Katie, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.guelphtherapist.ca\/blog\/cognitive-therapy-challenging-negative-thoughts\/\">cognitive behavioral therapy<\/a> (CBT) practitioners argue that the more you question the validity of your thoughts, the less likely you are to get caught up in resistant thoughts and negative emotions. However, the CBT method provides more specific questions to help you objectively examine your thoughts about a situation from multiple perspectives. Answering the following questions in addition to Katie\u2019s four questions will give you a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-anything-deeply\/\">deeper understanding<\/a> of your beliefs:<br><br><strong>Facts<\/strong><br>What evidence is there to support your thoughts about this? What evidence disproves or contradicts your thoughts about this? Are your opinions getting in the way of the facts? Are there any facts that you\u2019ve ignored or overlooked?<br><br><strong>Other explanations<\/strong><br>Can you think about this differently? Is your mood impacting the way you\u2019re thinking about this? Have you ever felt differently about this? Are you likely to change your opinion about this over time?<br><br><strong>Your feelings<\/strong><br>How does this thought make you feel good? How does this thought make you feel bad? How will you feel if you continue to hold onto this thought?<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What are the Loving What Is 4 questions? What is the purpose of each question? In&nbsp;Loving What Is, Byron Katie recommends asking yourself four questions, which, she claims, will change your life for the better. Specifically, these questions are designed to identify and address distorted and unhelpful thoughts that cloud your judgment and perception of the world. Let\u2019s explore the purpose of each of these four questions.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":82785,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,9,43],"tags":[810],"class_list":["post-84452","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-loving-what-is","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Loving What Is: The 4 Questions to Ask Yourself - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In\u00a0her book Loving What Is, Byron Katie recommends asking yourself these 4 questions, which, she claims, will change your life. Read more.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/loving-what-is-4-questions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Loving What Is: The 4 Questions to Ask Yourself\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In\u00a0her book Loving What Is, Byron Katie recommends asking yourself these 4 questions, which, she claims, will change your life. 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