{"id":84447,"date":"2022-11-17T07:15:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-17T11:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=84447"},"modified":"2022-11-30T12:45:14","modified_gmt":"2022-11-30T16:45:14","slug":"emotional-suffering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-suffering\/","title":{"rendered":"The Number 1 Cause of Emotional Suffering"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What causes emotional suffering? How do our thoughts perpetuate unnecessary emotional negativity? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, we have no real reason to feel emotional pain<\/a>, regardless of what happens to us. The real cause of emotional suffering is not what happens to us, but what we think about it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s why our internal thoughts\u2014not external experiences\u2014lie at the root of all suffering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Inner Turmoil Comes From Wanting Life to Be Different<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Since every experience is inherently good, why is it that certain experiences cause us emotional suffering, such as sadness, anxiety, or anger? According to Katie, it\u2019s not the experiences that make you feel pain. Rather, all your negative emotions spring from resistant thoughts that judge these experiences as wrong<\/em> or unwanted<\/em><\/strong>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These resistant thoughts distort the truth of reality (that it is inherently perfect) by preventing you from seeing the good in your experiences. The more resistant thoughts you think about your experiences, the more you fail to see what\u2019s good about them. As a result, you easily find even more<\/em> reasons to feel unhappy about your experiences\u2014and this is why you feel negative emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: If resistant thoughts make us feel so bad, why<\/em> do we continue to think them? Neil Pasricha (The Happiness Equation<\/em><\/a>) explains that it\u2019s a result of evolution: To ensure survival, your ancestors had to constantly stay alert to danger. Letting their guard down made them vulnerable to predators and competitors. Though you don\u2019t face the same risks now, your instinct to avoid danger hasn\u2019t <\/em>evolved<\/a>. However, instead of protecting you from threats to your survival, this instinct now encourages you to focus on \u201cthreats\u201d such as what you don\u2019t have and what needs to improve.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Examples of resistant thoughts include blaming others for not behaving in ways that you believe they should, complaining about things because you think they should be different, and worrying about all of the bad things that might happen.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The tendencies that Katie refers to as examples of \u201cresistance\u201d can sometimes underpin a victim mentality<\/a>\u2014the belief that bad things always happen to you through no fault of your own. This victim mentality creates feelings of apathy because when you feel like external, uncontrollable factors are always trying to thwart you, you feel powerless and lack the motivation to make the best out of your situation.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Katie clarifies why resistant thoughts lie at the root of all negative emotions by explaining how they:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Cause you to misinterpret reality<\/li>
  2. Convince you that reality must change before you can accept it<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Let\u2019s explore these two effects in detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Effect #1: Resistant Thoughts Cause You to Misinterpret Reality<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Katie argues that resistant thoughts keep you mired in a world of possibilities that <\/strong>don\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> exist<\/strong>: Instead of focusing your mind on what has happened or is happening, they focus your mind on what should have happened, could have happened, or might happen. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    These thoughts keep you locked in an <\/strong>imaginary<\/em><\/strong> narrative that has nothing to do with reality.<\/strong> As a result, they cloud your judgment and prevent you from clearly perceiving, interpreting, and responding to the situation as it is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    According to Katie, the more you let your internal narrative blind you, the more you misperceive and misinterpret reality as bad. This causes you to engage in emotional reactions and behaviors that exacerbate your negative feelings and prolong your emotional suffering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Example:<\/strong> It\u2019s your birthday and your partner hasn\u2019t yet mentioned it. You assume<\/em> that she\u2019s forgotten about you, and this upsets you. Since you\u2019re upset, you can\u2019t think clearly about how much she cares about you\u2014instead, you focus on all the ways she neglects your needs. This exacerbates your negative feelings and causes you to emotionally withdraw from her. As it turns out, your partner didn\u2019t mention your birthday because she\u2019s planning a surprise for you\u2014which means you don\u2019t have a real reason to feel pained by the experience. Only your misinterpretation of her behavior, coupled with your negative internal narrative, creates and prolongs your pain. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Effect #2: Resistant Thoughts Convince You That Reality Must Change Before You Can Accept It<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Katie explains that while resistant thoughts distort the truth of reality and are therefore the cause of your emotional pain, you often don\u2019t realize this\u2014because those very same resistant thoughts convince you that something external<\/em> is to blame for your emotional discomfort<\/strong>. So, to seek relief from your emotional discomfort, you attempt to exert control over and change things you can\u2019t<\/em> control, such as other people or external circumstances.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    However, she argues, it\u2019s impossible to control anything that\u2019s outside of yourself\u2014the people and situations in your life are <\/strong>never<\/em><\/strong> going to change no matter how many resistant thoughts you think about them<\/strong>. Attempting to do so just fuels additional resistant thoughts (for example, \u201cI hate this because it should<\/em> be different!\u201d) that prevent you from accepting and making the best of your circumstances. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Example:<\/strong> Each time your roommate leaves dirty dishes in the sink you get angry and snap at him. You believe that he\u2019s to blame for your anger and that he must change his behavior so that you can feel better. However, no matter how angry you feel, or how often you lash out at him, he continues to leave dirty dishes in the sink. Because you don\u2019t see the truth\u2014that only your resistant thoughts about the dishes in the sink make you angry\u2014you allow your negative emotions to escalate and fail to find peace with the situation. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    What causes emotional suffering? How do our thoughts perpetuate unnecessary emotional negativity? According to spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, we have no real reason to feel emotional pain, regardless of what happens to us. The real cause of emotional suffering is not what happens to us, but what we think about it. Here’s why our internal thoughts\u2014not external experiences\u2014lie at the root of all suffering.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":76176,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,6],"tags":[810],"class_list":["post-84447","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-spiritual","tag-loving-what-is","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Number 1 Cause of Emotional Suffering - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The real cause of emotional suffering is not what happens to us, but what we think about it. 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