{"id":83423,"date":"2022-11-02T16:03:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-02T20:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=83423"},"modified":"2022-11-14T16:43:31","modified_gmt":"2022-11-14T20:43:31","slug":"how-to-let-go-of-wanting-to-control-everything","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-let-go-of-wanting-to-control-everything\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Let Go of Wanting to Control Everything"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Want to know how to let go of wanting to control everything? What are the benefits of letting go<\/a> of control?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to author Michael Singer, it\u2019s pretty presumptuous of us to think we should know what life should be doing and try to control it. In The Surrender Experiment<\/em>, he asks us to instead consider trusting that life knows exactly what\u2019s supposed to happen and allowing it to naturally unfold. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to learn how to let go of wanting to control everything by going with the flow<\/a>, according to Singer’s advice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Learning How to Let Go of Control<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In his book The Surrender Experiment<\/em>, Michael Singer shows us what can happen when you learn how to let go of wanting to control everything and simply let life, or the \u201cuniverse,\u201d do what it<\/em> wants to do. This is what he calls \u201csurrender.\u201d He explains that the universe is imbued with an intelligence that\u2019s far beyond the limits of human understanding. Life has been evolving for billions of years. From the smallest embryonic cells to the vast planetary systems, the forces of life do exactly what they\u2019re meant to do without our intervention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Singer clarifies that surrendering doesn\u2019t mean \u201cdropping out\u201d or being ambivalent about life<\/strong>, but rather it means fully diving into the flow of life. It also doesn\u2019t mean giving up your free will\u2014surrendering means aligning your will with the greater will of the universe.<\/strong> For example, if you\u2019re presented with an opportunity to make some contribution to the world, it\u2019s because life wants that to happen. You should stop to consider the bigger picture rather than decide based on what you like or want. Even if it\u2019s something you don\u2019t particularly want to do, you should recognize that life knows better than you do, and if you take the opportunity, your life will be better for it in ways you can\u2019t always imagine. So the surrender experiment is ultimately an exercise in trust.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Let Go of Your Preferences<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Through close observation, Singer found that his mind was constantly making judgments about what was good or bad, what he liked and disliked, and he wanted to control everything to suit his preferences.<\/strong> For example, he\u2019d tend to reject social invitations or requests for favors because he preferred to be left alone. He\u2019d actually try to control everything in his environment to limit his interaction with other people. He also noticed his approach to everyday activities would be influenced by his thoughts about the weather. If he thought the weather was \u201cgood,\u201d he\u2019d have a positive outlook. If he thought it was \u201cbad,\u201d he\u2019d think negatively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After contemplating this, he concluded that constantly wanting to control everything in life is futile<\/strong>. Life has its own direction of flow and trying to resist it is like trying to swim against the flow of a river. This is why we\u2019re often so frustrated\u2014we\u2019re always trying to make life go the way we want, but our wants and preferences are not always aligned with what life<\/em> wants to do<\/strong>. Singer concluded that his judgments and preferences might be getting in the way of what the universe wanted for him. So, he decided to experiment to see what would happen if he began ignoring his likes and dislikes and just accepted whatever life brought to him<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Surrender to the Now<\/strong>

In The Power of Now<\/em><\/a>, Eckhart Tolle says our inner voice is our ego<\/a> that\u2019s always analyzing, judging, and trying to control everything. This is exactly the insight Singer had. Tolle says we tend to think our statuses, such as our jobs, social roles, and our preferences, are what define us. But these are not the true essence of our being, and identifying with them keeps us from being fully present and authentic in our lives. 

Like Singer, he says we need to stop judging things as good or bad, and simply accept things as they are<\/a>. Tolle explains that judging something as bad makes us want to reject and resist it, and that keeps us from being in the present<\/a>. Tolle\u2019s concept of \u201csurrendering to the now\u201d is aligned with Singer\u2019s experiment to allow life to happen and stop resisting things based on likes and dislikes. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Because wanting to control external circumstances to suit our preferences is the way we\u2019re accustomed to living, Singer knew this would be a difficult challenge. So, he started practicing with something simple\u2014the weather. He\u2019d notice his judgments about it, such as \u201cI don\u2019t like this rain\u201d and then he\u2019d let go and accept that the rainy weather was just a fact and he couldn\u2019t control it. By doing this, he was able to detach from his annoyance about \u201cbad\u201d weather and just enjoy the day regardless. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Stoic philosophy<\/a>, originating in ancient Greece, teaches careful control of emotions, as they arise from false judgments about the world. In The Daily Stoic<\/em><\/a>, Ryan Holiday says the foundation of Stoic thought is the premise that because we can\u2019t control everything in life, we must learn how to control the way we react to life. In this worldview, the most important tool we have is reason. If we think rationally and calmly through situations, we\u2019ll be much more at peace and live a more virtuous life<\/a> than someone who is always at the whim of their emotions.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Practice Surrender<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

After success with the weather, Singer applied his technique for letting go of wanting to control everything to the rest of his life by detaching from his personal preferences and just saying yes to whatever the universe put in front of him. <\/strong>When someone asked him to do something, or an opportunity presented itself, he\u2019d notice any mental resistance or urge to reject the situation. Then he\u2019d set that resistance aside and say yes instead. Since resistance and judgment made up the bulk of his mental chatter, by giving no attention to it he was finally able to silence that inner voice<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Singer describes his simple two-step<\/strong> process to practicing surrender<\/strong> and letting go of wanting to control everything:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. When life presents you with an opportunity, notice any feelings you have about what you want or don\u2019t want, your likes and dislikes.<\/li>
  2. Ask what would happen if your preferences weren\u2019t<\/em> a factor, and do that. <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    For example, let\u2019s say a friend asks you to go along on a trip with them, and you\u2019re undecided. It sounds fun, but you\u2019re also busy, and you don\u2019t really like flying. If you take your preferences<\/em> out of the equation, it would be up to your friend, and you\u2019d go. So go. Life is putting this in front of you. You never know what other opportunities might present themselves as a result of this trip. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: This is in contrast with a lot of recent self-help advice urging people to learn to say no<\/a>. In The Big Leap<\/em><\/a>, Gay Hendricks says that you shouldn\u2019t spend time doing anything that doesn\u2019t enhance your state of fulfillment<\/a>. He says we tend to spend too much time doing things we don\u2019t really want to do out of a sense of obligation, and we should resist that. This is in conflict with Singer\u2019s advice to set aside what you like and want, and trust that life is presenting this opportunity to you, even if it might not feel personally \u201cgood\u201d to you.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Want to know how to let go of wanting to control everything? What are the benefits of letting go of control? According to author Michael Singer, it\u2019s pretty presumptuous of us to think we should know what life should be doing and try to control it. In The Surrender Experiment, he asks us to instead consider trusting that life knows exactly what\u2019s supposed to happen and allowing it to naturally unfold.  Read on to learn how to let go of wanting to control everything by going with the flow, according to Singer’s advice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":83442,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,43,6],"tags":[795],"class_list":["post-83423","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-motivation","category-self-improvement","category-spiritual","tag-the-surrender-experiment","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Let Go of Wanting to Control Everything - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Want to know how to let go of wanting to control everything? 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