{"id":82543,"date":"2022-11-08T07:54:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-08T11:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=82543"},"modified":"2022-11-16T13:20:26","modified_gmt":"2022-11-16T17:20:26","slug":"finding-the-right-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/","title":{"rendered":"Finding the Right Person to Date: 3 Tips From a Pro"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>How do you find the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hiring-the-right-people\/\">right person<\/a> to date? What are some things you should keep in mind when looking for a serious partner? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finding the right person for a serious relationship is no easy feat. People take years, sometimes decades, to find a successful long-term relationship. But it doesn&#8217;t have to take decades of your life if you know how to date effectively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>With this in mind, here are three tips for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-more-is-less\/\">maximizing<\/a> your chances of finding the right person to spend your life with from dating coach Logan Ury. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-manage-your-expectations\"><strong>1. Manage Your Expectations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first step to finding the right person is to <strong>set realistic, but positive, expectations<\/strong>. You must be realistic because too many of us expect too much from our first date. We want to feel an instant connection, but such a connection is rare\u2014partly because we tend to like something (or someone) more the more we encounter it. So don\u2019t discount your date just because you don\u2019t feel an instant connection with them; remember that feelings can grow.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That said, don\u2019t be a downer\u2014<strong>having a positive attitude is critical to the success of your date.<\/strong> Experiments have found that when we <em>expect<\/em> to be lucky, we\u2019re better able to notice opportunities we can take advantage of. Similarly, if you <em>expect<\/em> the date to go well, you\u2019ll be better able to notice your date\u2019s positive qualities and will have a better time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Setting realistic but positive expectations works well for couples in arranged marriages, who <a href=\"https:\/\/globalnews.ca\/news\/4320972\/arranged-marriage\/\">may not feel an initial spark but marry anyway<\/a>. These couples <a href=\"https:\/\/tribune.com.pk\/story\/850300\/6-tips-to-make-an-arranged-marriage-work\">approach their day-to-day encounters with the positive attitude<\/a> that love will grow and choose not to dwell on their spouse\u2019s flaws. And often, love does grow. In fact, studies suggest that <a href=\"https:\/\/bakadesuyo.com\/2011\/12\/are-arranged-marriages-happier\/#:~:text=Why%20We%20Reason%20points%20to,measuring%20marital%20satisfaction%20and%20wellness.\">couples in arranged marriages are as happy or happier than couples who married for love<\/a>.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-2-design-a-great-first-date\"><strong>2. Design a Great First Date<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, Ury suggests that you <strong>design a great first date<\/strong>. When dating, your goal is to figure out how a person makes you <em>feel<\/em>\u2014so it\u2019s essential to go on dates that promote natural connections (instead of ones that encourage you to quiz each other). Try doing something creative together: You\u2019ll have fun and might learn whether your date has the qualities you\u2019re looking for. For example, if you take a pottery class and your date can\u2019t follow the instructor, do they continue trying anyway (indicating a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-characteristics\/\">growth mindset<\/a>)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/books\/models\"><em>Models<\/em><\/a>, Manson agrees that you should go on dates that promote connections, but he has a different method for designing them. Rather than doing something specifically creative, he urges you to schedule several \u201cexperiences,\u201d which will ideally involve mutual participation, activity, and opportunities to touch. The more experiences you have together, the more intimate you\u2019ll feel toward each other and the greater connection you\u2019ll have. For example, you might start an evening bowling, then get drinks before going dancing.)&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-3-always-go-on-the-second-date\"><strong>3. Always Go on the Second Date<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Third, Ury suggests that you <strong>always go on the second date<\/strong>. We\u2019re primed to judge our dates harshly, partly because we\u2019ve evolved to pay more attention to negative things, so we tend to focus on their flaws rather than their strengths. By creating a rule that you\u2019ll always go on a second date, you allow yourself more time to see if a connection will develop and to find more positive qualities that might outweigh the flaws.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Like Ury, other relationship experts agree that going on a second date\u2014even after a mediocre first one\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/www.cosmopolitan.com\/sex-love\/a8259903\/second-date-more-important-than-the-first\/\">allows more time for a connection to develop and encourages you to find your date\u2019s positive qualities<\/a> instead of focusing on their flaws. But don\u2019t ignore <em>every<\/em> flaw: If your date is outright rude, insulting, or triggers an instinctive bad feeling, experts recommend that you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.elitedaily.com\/p\/if-your-first-date-is-mediocre-should-you-go-on-a-second-one-heres-what-experts-say-15865559\">leave immediately<\/a>.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How do you find the right person to date? What are some things you should keep in mind when looking for a serious partner? Finding the right person for a serious relationship is no easy feat. People take years, sometimes decades, to find a successful long-term relationship. But it doesn&#8217;t have to take decades of your life if you know how to date effectively. With this in mind, here are three tips for maximizing your chances of finding the right person to spend your life with from dating coach Logan Ury.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":75613,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,9],"tags":[784],"class_list":["post-82543","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-psychology","tag-how-to-not-die-alone","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Finding the Right Person to Date: 3 Tips From a Pro - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Finding the right partner for a relationship is no easy feat. 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Here are three tips for discovering whether someone is right for you.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-11-08T11:54:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-11-16T17:20:26+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/head-on-shoulder-couple-understanding.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1848\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1238\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Finding the Right Person to Date: 3 Tips From a Pro\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-11-08T11:54:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-11-16T17:20:26+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/\"},\"wordCount\":667,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/head-on-shoulder-couple-understanding.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"How to Not Die Alone\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Lifestyle\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/\",\"name\":\"Finding the Right Person to Date: 3 Tips From a Pro - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/finding-the-right-person\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/head-on-shoulder-couple-understanding.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-11-08T11:54:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-11-16T17:20:26+00:00\",\"description\":\"Finding the right partner for a relationship is no easy feat. 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