{"id":82511,"date":"2022-11-11T07:58:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-11T11:58:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=82511"},"modified":"2022-11-16T13:01:17","modified_gmt":"2022-11-16T17:01:17","slug":"what-to-look-for-in-a-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-to-look-for-in-a-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"What to Look for in a Relationship: The 3 Best Qualities"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do so many people end up in suboptimal relationships? What qualities should you look for in a potential partner to maximize your chances of having the relationship you want? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are two reasons people struggle to look for the right qualities in a romantic partner. First, we tend to prioritize immediate benefits over future benefits. Second, we assume that whatever gets our attention is more important than what doesn\u2019t. When dating, these tendencies make us pursue the wrong people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s what to look for in a relationship to increase your chances of finding a long-term partner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What You Should Be Looking For<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When dating, many people prioritize the wrong qualities that don\u2019t indicate long-term compatibility. For example, you might look for an extremely good-looking person because you want to find them hot and their looks grab your attention. But good looks and lust both fade\u2014so how physically attracted you are to someone isn\u2019t a good measure of compatibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book How to Not Die Alone<\/em>, dating coach Logan Ury explains what to look for in a relationship to maximize your chances of finding long-term compatibility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) Look for someone who is nice and even-tempered<\/strong>\u2014both qualities that researchers have found are highly predictive of long-term relationship success. Nice people treat people who can\u2019t help them (like service workers) well; even-tempered people respond with grace even when they\u2019re stressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Kindness and Even-Temperedness Don\u2019t Help<\/strong>

While choosing a partner who\u2019s kind and even-tempered may help you develop a long-term relationship, it\u2019s not a guarantee. Researchers suggest that while kind people will treat their partners well, their kindness doesn\u2019t improve the relationship unless the receiving partner expresses gratitude for this kindness<\/a>. So, consider complimenting your partner when they treat others\u2014like service workers\u2014kindly. 

Additionally, if you\u2019re not even-tempered, choosing an even-tempered partner can backfire<\/a>. If you stress out over something that your partner doesn\u2019t consider a big deal, you\u2019ll grow upset that they don\u2019t understand you, leading to even more stress for both parties. Avoid this trap by choosing a partner who\u2019s only slightly more or less even-tempered than you are. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

2) Look for someone with whom you can get through the hard times<\/strong>. Such a person will have a growth mindset\u2014a belief that people can learn and improve\u2014so they\u2019re prepared to fight through challenges, both in your relationship and in their own lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This includes being good at fighting with you<\/strong>: Your arguments should be productive and not instill fears about the health of your relationship. Relationship researchers contend that someone who\u2019s good at fighting well will have two main characteristics. First, they\u2019ll find a healthy way of dealing with the unsolvable conflicts that make up most couples\u2019 arguments, like how often one partner wants to spend time with their friends. Second, they\u2019ll actively try to defuse the tension during fights, such as by apologizing when they\u2019re wrong.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

3) Look for someone who has a complementary personality.<\/strong> Many of us assume we\u2019ll be happy with someone just like us\u2014but research doesn\u2019t support this finding. Rather, find someone who helps you be your best self<\/a>. For example, if you\u2019re set in your ways, someone who\u2019s adventurous might pull you out of your shell and help you try new things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Researchers add that someone with a complementary personality might make a better long-term partner because they\u2019re good at the things you struggle at<\/a>. For example, an extroverted partner might enjoy talking to the kids\u2019 teachers, while an introverted partner might be better at helping with the kids\u2019 math homework.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Become a Partner Who\u2019s Good During Hard Times<\/strong>

Ury recommends looking for someone who already has a growth mindset<\/a> and is good at fighting, but these are both skills that you can develop\u2014which might be helpful if you already have a partner or are trying to become a better long-term candidate yourself. 

To develop a growth mindset<\/a>, actively confront and reframe thoughts<\/a> that suggest that you can\u2019t<\/em> improve. For example, if you struggle to learn drawing, confront your immediate thought of \u201cI\u2019m bad at art\u201d and reframe it into \u201cI can improve my art if I work at it.\u201d  To deal with unsolvable conflicts constructively, switch from complaining about what you dislike to requesting what you want<\/a>, which will make your partner more open to fulfilling some portion of your request. And to defuse the tension during fights, learn to customize your apology to your partner\u2019s needs\u2014some people prefer dramatic apologies while others prefer a brief acknowledgment.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why do so many people end up in suboptimal relationships? What qualities should you look for in a potential partner to maximize your chances of having the relationship you want? There are two reasons people struggle to look for the right qualities in a romantic partner. First, we tend to prioritize immediate benefits over future benefits. Second, we assume that whatever gets our attention is more important than what doesn\u2019t. When dating, these tendencies make us pursue the wrong people. Here’s what to look for in a relationship to increase your chances of finding a long-term partner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":73616,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[784],"class_list":["post-82511","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-how-to-not-die-alone","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to Look for in a Relationship: The 3 Best Qualities - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Many people struggle to find a relationship because they're after superficial things such as looks or money. 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