{"id":82506,"date":"2022-11-07T07:52:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-07T11:52:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=82506"},"modified":"2022-11-16T13:01:41","modified_gmt":"2022-11-16T17:01:41","slug":"dating-patterns","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dating-patterns\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Dating Patterns: Maximizer, Romanticizer &#038; Hesitater"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is your approach to dating? Are you the kind of person who is easily swept off your feet? Or do you approach dating strategically, trying to keep a cool head?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to dating coach Logan Ury, there are three &#8220;dating tendencies&#8221; or patterns people have: maximizers, romanticizers, and hesitaters. In her book <em>How to Not Die Alone<\/em>, she explains how each pattern leads to unhappiness\u2014and how to prevent your own pattern from sabotaging your dating life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn about the three unhealthy dating patterns that people fall into when looking for love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-maximizers-behave\"><strong>How Maximizers Behave<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first dating pattern is the maximizer. Ury explains that if you\u2019re a maximizer, you want to be 100% sure you\u2019ve made the right decision\u2014so you do as much research as possible before choosing anything.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unfortunately, Ury explains, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-more-is-less\/\">maximizing<\/a> often leads to unhappiness\u2014mainly because it causes so much stress. You\u2019ll date several people but struggle to commit to someone because you\u2019re worried about missing out on someone better. And even if you do commit, you\u2019ll torture yourself wondering if you made the right decision.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What to do instead:<\/strong> Ury recommends that maximizers learn to \u201csatisfice:\u201d <strong>Find and commit to someone who meets your standards, even if they aren\u2019t perfect<\/strong>. Doing so will make you happier for two main reasons: First, you\u2019ll mitigate the stress of maximizing <em>during <\/em>the selection process because you\u2019ll have clear standards by which to evaluate your choices. Second, by fully committing to your partner, you\u2019ll avoid the stress of wondering whether you made the right choice <em>after<\/em> you\u2019ve already selected someone because of a neurological phenomenon known as rationalization: If you finalize a decision (like selecting a partner), your brain will convince you that you\u2019ve made the right choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/satisficing-model-of-decision-making\/\">satisfice<\/a> effectively when dating, Ury recommends using an algorithm: Explore without committing for the first 37% of your dating life, then commit to the next top pick you see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To do so, first find your Exploration Limit Age: [(Age You Want to Get Married &#8211; Age You Started Dating) x .37] + (Age You Started Dating). For example, if you want to get married at 28 and you started dating at 18, your exploration limit age would be 21.7. Once you reach your exploration limit age, review your partners and determine which partner you liked the best. (If you\u2019ve already passed that age, review the partners you dated <em>before<\/em> you reached that age.) Commit to the next person you date whom you like better than your favorite ex-partner.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>By following this formula, Ury explains, you\u2019ll date enough people to know what kind of partner you want\u2014but you won\u2019t date so long that you miss out on all the good potential partners before they leave the dating pool.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-romanticizers-behave\"><strong>How Romanticizers Behave<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The second dating pattern is the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/romanticizer\/\">romanticizer<\/a>. Ury explains that if you\u2019re a romanticizer, you approach dating with an attitude that your relationship happiness depends on <em>whom<\/em> you\u2019re dating.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ury explains that approaching dating with this attitude also causes problems. Notably, romanticizers<strong> tend to envision their ideal soulmate<\/strong>\u2014so when dating, they may overlook great candidates who don\u2019t exactly match this ideal. Additionally, romanticizers believe that finding a good partner guarantees a blissful, problem-free relationship. So when their relationship inevitably hits a rough patch, they assume they\u2019re with the wrong person and start to look for someone else, beginning the cycle anew.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>What to do instead: <\/strong>If you\u2019re a romanticizer, Ury recommends that you shift your attitude and <strong>develop a mindset that a happy relationship depends on how hard you work at it<\/strong>. With this mindset, you\u2019ll temper your expectations regarding what your soulmate is like and thus grow more open to dating great people who don\u2019t match your ideal. And you\u2019ll realize that all relationships have some issues, so you\u2019ll be willing to work on them when they inevitably arise.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-hesitaters-behave\"><strong>How Hesitaters Behave<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The third dating pattern is the hesitater. Ury explains that if you\u2019re a hesitater, you want to date but don\u2019t take any steps toward finding a long-term partner because you don\u2019t feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/confidence-in-dating\/\">confident dating<\/a>. Instead, you\u2019ll repeatedly insist that you\u2019ll start dating \u201cwhen X happens\u201d\u2014whether X is financial stability or a better haircut.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, Ury contends that <strong>hesitaters fare poorly in the long run because they forfeit two big learning opportunities.<\/strong> First, dating involves a particular skill set\u2014such as an ability to communicate well. If you delay dating, you never develop these skills, so you never learn how to date effectively. Second, you can only learn what you prefer in a long-term partner by dating several different people: For example, someone intrigued by non-monogamy may discover that they don\u2019t enjoy it as much as they expected. If you don\u2019t date, you don\u2019t discover what you actually want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So if you\u2019re a hesitater, Ury recommends that you just <strong>start dating<\/strong>. This may be difficult since humans suffer from what behavioral scientists call an \u201cintention-action gap\u201d\u2014a disconnect between what we <em>want<\/em> to do and what we do in reality. One main strategy to overcome this disconnect is to <strong>set a deadline to start dating<\/strong>\u2014one that\u2019s short enough to spur you into action but far enough away that you can prepare. Ury recommends setting a deadline three weeks from today.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is your approach to dating? Are you the kind of person who is easily swept off your feet? Or do you approach dating strategically, trying to keep a cool head? According to dating coach Logan Ury, there are three &#8220;dating tendencies&#8221; or patterns people have: maximizers, romanticizers, and hesitaters. In her book How to Not Die Alone, she explains how each pattern leads to unhappiness\u2014and how to prevent your own pattern from sabotaging your dating life. Keep reading to learn about the three unhealthy dating patterns that people fall into when looking for love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":12986,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[784],"class_list":["post-82506","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-how-to-not-die-alone","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The 3 Dating Patterns: Maximizer, Romanticizer &amp; Hesitater - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There are three unhelpful patterns that people tend to fall into: maximizers, romanticizers, and hesitaters. 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