{"id":81789,"date":"2022-10-17T15:32:00","date_gmt":"2022-10-17T19:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=81789"},"modified":"2025-10-03T10:55:48","modified_gmt":"2025-10-03T14:55:48","slug":"how-to-maintain-friendships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-maintain-friendships\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Maintain Friendships for Life: 3 Foolproof Methods"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the key to maintaining friendships? Do you want your friends to stick around for a while?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might know how to start new friendships, but it’s even harder to keep them. In The Like Switch<\/em>, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins provide methods for maintaining strong relationships by keeping new and old friends feeling valued and happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take a look at how to maintain friendships<\/a> for the long term.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of\u00a0Shortform\u2019s guide to friendships<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Fundamental Rule of Maintaining Friendships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Most of the authors\u2019 advice for learning how to maintain friendships can be broken down into one simple rule: People like people who increase their sense of self-worth<\/a>.<\/strong> If you do things for a person that contribute to their positive sense of self, they\u2019ll associate good feelings with your presence, and they\u2019ll want to be around you more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It may be true that people will like being around you if you make them feel good about themselves. However, the authors\u2019 suggestion that you should keep your sole focus on making the other person happy could lead to a one-sided friendship if taken to the extreme<\/a>. If your friend turns every conversation back to themselves or only wants to spend time with you when they need something, your relationship is probably one-sided. You should<\/em> spend time and effort toward making your friends feel loved and happy, but it\u2019s equally important to seek out people who reciprocate the support, attention, and care you offer them.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are many ways to make people feel good about themselves, and the authors outline several tried and tested methods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Communicate Empathically<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Empathic responding is a type of communication that requires you to first notice how someone feels; then, speak to them in a way that shows you recognize the deeper emotional meaning behind their words and behaviors. The authors assert that responding to a friend empathically puts them at the center of the conversation, helping them feel understood and cared for. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s look at an example. Say you have dinner plans with a friend. When she arrives at the restaurant, she\u2019s clearly stressed about something. After you greet each other, you could respond empathically to her behavior by saying, \u201cLooks like you had a long day.\u201d This demonstrates that you recognize her stress signals and that you want to know more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She tells you that she got in trouble with her boss today for missing a project deadline, but it wasn\u2019t her fault. Your empathic response could be, \u201cYou\u2019re frustrated because you got blamed for something that you couldn\u2019t control.\u201d With this response, you\u2019re paraphrasing the basics of her situation, and you\u2019re assigning a feeling to it (frustration) based on her reaction to the situation she presented. As this example demonstrates, empathic responding keeps the conversation going while validating and centering your friend\u2019s experiences and emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Many other authors discuss the importance of empathetic communication<\/a> in forming positive relationships. In Nonviolent Communication<\/em><\/a>, Marshall B. Rosenberg offers an alternative way to empathically respond to others that uses questions<\/em> to paraphrase the other person\u2019s words instead of statements.<\/a> For instance, in our example above, you could ask your friend, \u201cAre you feeling frustrated because you got blamed for something you couldn\u2019t control?\u201d This still reflects her feelings, but it doesn\u2019t presume you understood perfectly. According to Rosenberg, it\u2019s important to check in frequently with the other person and not just assume your interpretations of their feelings are correct. The question format allows for this.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Compliment Effectively<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The authors note that compliments can be a great tool in any friendship. They make people feel good about themselves by pointing out qualities you value in them and celebrating their achievements. However, compliments can often come off as insincere, especially when you don\u2019t know a person very well. When used ineffectively, compliments may be mistaken for flattery, which suggests you want something in return for your kind words. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Schafer and Karlins offer a couple of workarounds that allow you to compliment people without them assuming you have an ulterior motive. First, you can send a compliment through a middle person. This involves complimenting your friend to someone you both know (someone who will tell your friend what you said). Your friend will still hear the nice thing you said about them, but it won\u2019t seem artificial because it isn\u2019t coming directly from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, you can make someone feel good by helping them to compliment themselves. Instead of paying a friend a direct compliment, make more generalized statements that highlight positive characteristics your friend can then realize they have. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if a friend wears an outfit you like, a direct compliment might be, \u201cThat\u2019s a really nice outfit. You have good fashion sense.\u201d To instead help your friend compliment herself, you could say, \u201cIt takes an artistic eye to put such a fashionable outfit together.\u201d In the second option, you\u2019re setting your friend up to think, \u201cYes, I do have an artistic eye for fashion.\u201d She compliments herself by applying the characteristics you identified\u2014an artistic sensibility related to fashion sense\u2014to her situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Schafer and Karlin, people readily take chances to self-compliment. Additionally, when the compliment is technically coming from themselves, people won\u2019t assume insincerity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask for Favors<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The authors argue that asking a friend for a small favor makes them feel helpful and contributes to their positive sense of self. They\u2019ll associate these good feelings with you and like you more. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, you might ask a friend if you can borrow their copy of a book you\u2019ve discussed. It\u2019s a small ask, but fulfilling it could make your friend feel charitable, increase their sense of importance, and show that you care about your shared interests. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s important not to ask for too much, though. If people think that you\u2019re trying to take advantage of them, those good feelings can sour quickly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is the key to maintaining friendships? Do you want your friends to stick around for a while? You might know how to start new friendships, but it’s even harder to keep them. In The Like Switch, Jack Schafer and Marvin Karlins provide methods for maintaining strong relationships by keeping new and old friends feeling valued and happy. Take a look at how to maintain friendships for the long term.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":423,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[773],"class_list":["post-81789","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-the-like-switch","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Maintain Friendships for Life: 3 Foolproof Methods - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Maintaining friendships is even harder than starting them. 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