{"id":80786,"date":"2022-10-01T22:21:00","date_gmt":"2022-10-02T02:21:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=80786"},"modified":"2022-10-13T09:52:25","modified_gmt":"2022-10-13T13:52:25","slug":"how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-good-conversationalist\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Good Conversationalist & Move Past Small Talk"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are effective ways to move past small talk<\/a>? How can you craft engaging stories and ask better questions?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Captivate<\/em>, Vanessa Van Edwards discusses how to make the most of social interactions, getting people to like and remember you, and ultimately building deep relationships. Good conversation is critical. You can learn how to be a good conversationalist<\/a> by being inquisitive and showing interest in others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for practical tips on being a curious and interesting conversationalist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Be a Curious Conversationalist <\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Often, connections begin with a memorable conversation. Van Edwards’s advice on how to be a good conversationalist involves grabbing people\u2019s attention and getting them to talk about themselves by initiating unusual conversations and telling stories that are out of the ordinary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Initiate Thought-Provoking Conversations <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Van Edwards asserts that to make others like and remember you, you have to break out of the boring small talk mold and ignite interesting conversations that push people to think of new and different things.<\/strong> She explains that we\u2019re most compelling to others when we\u2019re unscripted because novelty triggers activity in the part of the brain responsible for memory and learning<\/a> and is linked to dopamine pathways that arouse pleasure and fuel interest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To start novel conversations, you can ask questions that 1) people don\u2019t expect, shake them out of their rut, and 2) engage people by prompting them to talk about subjects they love and are excited to talk about. For example, \u201cWhat\u2019s the most exciting thing that happened to you today?\u201d or \u201cWhat\u2019s the one thing you\u2019re most looking forward to doing this year?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Van Edwards recommends using novel conversations to be memorable, but, but some research suggests that we prefer familiar topics to new ones because of the \u201cnovelty penalty<\/a>.\u201d This is a phenomenon in which the listener doesn\u2019t have enough base knowledge or personal experience in the topic to be interested, so they mentally \u201ccheck out\u201d during the conversation. This is why a seemingly exciting topic, like volunteering abroad, might not actually spark an engaging conversation<\/a> unless the listener has something to add.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tie Your Story Back to the Listener <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Van Edwards says that telling interesting stories will enable you to deepen your engagement and forge connections with others because it lights up the same regions of your brains. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She says that great stories are no more than two to three minutes long and have three parts: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. A hook that grabs people\u2019s attention immediately<\/li>
  2. A problem or challenge that has to be overcome<\/li>
  3. Descriptive, stimulating words<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    She recommends the following three-pronged approach for introducing and using stories to engage and fuel further conversation with people:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1. Build off of a frequently discussed subject<\/strong> (for example, the news, weather, a TV show).<\/li>
    2. Tell a funny or quirky story related to that subject.<\/strong> If you can\u2019t think of one, you can use a story you heard somewhere else.<\/li>
    3. End with a transition sentence or question that connects your story back to the person<\/strong> you\u2019re talking with to actively engage them and keep the conversation going. For example: \u201cBut enough about my most embarrassing childhood memory, tell me about yours!\u201d  <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Van Edwards suggests having a stash of stories and questions on hand for different subjects that typically come up in casual conversation, such as current events, travel, or jobs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      When Telling Stories, Know Your Audience <\/strong>

      Van Edwards lists \u201ccurrent events\u201d as one of many subjects you could use as a launching pad to tell a story, but there\u2019s reason to be mindful of which subjects you tell stories about in different settings. For example, some people suggest that you steer clear of talking politics at work<\/a> to avoid creating divisions that can hurt otherwise productive relationships, lead to a hostile work environment, and isolate people.

      You may also want to keep stories about politics to yourself       if you work for a private company, where you have fewer free speech protections<\/a>. Conversations that begin as seemingly harmless political discussions<\/a> can be (and be perceived as) harassment, discrimination, and other federal workplace civil rights violations.

      With this in mind, it\u2019s probably best to pull stories from more lighthearted and universally appealing topics when at work.  <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

      Be Interested to Be Interesting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

      You\u2019ve grabbed people\u2019s attention and gotten a conversation going. Next, you need to show that you find them compelling. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Van Edwards asserts that, when you\u2019re genuinely interested in other people, they find <\/strong>you<\/em><\/strong> interesting <\/strong>because of the \u201creciprocity effect,\u201d a phenomenon where we like being with people who clearly like us and we mirror the positive behavior they display toward us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      Van Edwards recommends putting the reciprocity effect into action by interacting with people in ways you\u2019d like them to interact with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      The 3 Es: Engage, Encourage, and Elevate <\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      Van Edwards states that engaging people in conversation, encouraging them to talk about themselves, and elevating them by boosting their strong points makes them feel good, which leads them to like and remember you. She cites research showing that talking about ourselves triggers the release of dopamine, which gives us pleasure and triggers our memory. Furthermore, receiving compliments improves our self-image. She says you can reinforce the positive engage, encourage, and elevate<\/em> loop by:<\/p>\n\n\n\n