What prejudices do you have? Do you know why you have them? Can you get rid of them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In How Not to Be Wrong: The Art of Changing Your Mind<\/em>, James O\u2019Brien examines his own misguided beliefs and ways of relating to others, concluding that life\u2019s not all about winning the argument. It\u2019s about recognizing our own vulnerabilities, so we can learn to have more empathy for others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Take a look at our overview of the book and discover O’Brien’s way of changing your mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n In How Not to Be Wrong: The Art of Changing Your Mind<\/em><\/em><\/a>, British broadcaster James O\u2019Brien draws upon his personal and professional experiences to argue that in a world increasingly marked by tribalism, political division<\/a>, and lack of empathy, learning to change your mind when you\u2019re wrong<\/a> is both a valuable life skill and a tool for solving intractable problems<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But his book also has a deeper message: O\u2019Brien claims that most of our prejudices and negative attitudes toward other people stem from our denial of pain we experienced in childhood. In other words, as the saying goes, \u201churt people, hurt people.\u201d Specifically, says O\u2019Brien, boys who are taught to deal with painful experiences by \u201cmanning up\u201d frequently become men who believe they can fight their way out of any problem, often by attacking others<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien is one of the UK\u2019s leading radio presenters, with over 1.2 million weekly listeners to his daily current affairs talk show. He is also the author of How to Be Right<\/em><\/a>, a Sunday Times<\/em> best seller that uses conversations from his show to examine how to talk to people with absurd or discriminatory opinions. As O\u2019Brien acknowledges, he became well known as a radio host for \u201cschooling\u201d his guests\u2014using verbal aggression to win arguments at any cost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Relying in part on transcripts from his radio show, O\u2019Brien examines his mistaken beliefs and prejudices in turn and highlights times when his listeners opened his eyes to a new perspective. In this guide, we divide O\u2019Brien\u2019s \u201cwrong\u201d beliefs into two parts, first examining his beliefs about himself and then taking a look at his beliefs about other people. A third section examines O\u2019Brien\u2019s conclusion that denial of our own pain causes us to lack empathy for others\u2019 pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien was in his forties when he began questioning some of the beliefs he\u2019d held for years. For much of his life, O\u2019Brien was the guy who always had to be right and could never back down from arguing his position. He was afraid that being wrong would make him weak or vulnerable. Therapy helped O\u2019Brien realize that negative experiences in his childhood shaped who he was as an adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He began to see that he was living in an almost permanent \u201cfight or flight\u201d state of hyperarousal, which caused him to think he could fight his way out of any problem. He understood that he needed to come to terms with how he had been wrong about himself and other people and that, to do so, he needed to question the source of those beliefs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien, who was adopted, was sent to an all-boys boarding school, where the headmaster regularly beat him for years. O\u2019Brien always defended the practice by saying that he turned out OK. He didn\u2019t believe he was harmed by it. In fact, he frequently bragged about the beatings, treating the experience as a badge of honor that demonstrated his toughness. <\/strong>The truth is that O\u2019Brien was in denial about how much pain and humiliation the beatings had caused him.<\/strong> In response, he developed what he calls a \u201csurvival personality\u201d to protect himself, and it became the basis for his success. In the process, however, he abandoned his true self<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien\u2019s views first began to shift when he was a contributor on a TV show and was defending the practice of spanking children. A participant asked him whether he would hit his wife if she disobeyed him. He realized that as a question of basic humanity, it\u2019s never acceptable to physically harm another person to discipline or punish them, regardless of their age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The corporal punishment inflicted on O\u2019Brien in childhood primed him to constantly be on the alert for attack, so, as an adult, even small issues<\/a> caused him to overreact. Aggression became a way of life. He extrapolates from his own experiences that our early, unconscious defense mechanisms can become our entire personality and way of relating to the world<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien believes that much of public debate today is between people who have built up so much armor to protect themselves from past pain that they are essentially showing the world a false persona. It\u2019s difficult for people to truly listen to each other and learn more about controversial issues when they aren\u2019t even showing up as their authentic selves<\/strong>. By examining our negative childhood experiences, we can learn to change our minds and bridge the gap between opposing viewpoints<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In addition to examining his beliefs about himself, therapy led O\u2019Brien to examine his beliefs about others. Specifically, he recognized that, despite his progressive politics, he had been blind to systemic inequity that didn\u2019t affect him directly, and he held unfounded prejudices against certain groups of people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien claims that he wasn\u2019t exposed to racism growing up, because (according to him) his friends who were people of color didn\u2019t experience it in school. Since he didn\u2019t observe racism around him in his boarding school or college, he didn\u2019t think it was a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As an adult, he didn\u2019t view the law enforcement practice of indiscriminate stop and search<\/a> (stop-and-frisk in America) as an example of racial profiling. The more he listened to people with negative experiences of stop-and-frisk, the harder it became to hold on to his opinions. O’Brien says that, if he had been in another job where he wasn’t exposed to those opinions, he might never have changed his mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He realized that his views on stop-and-frisk had been another version of his belief that pain makes you stronger<\/a>, and that the best way to approach unfair punishment is to grit your teeth and accept it. <\/strong>Coming to terms with his own childhood pain helped O\u2019Brien empathize with and change his mind about other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as O\u2019Brien didn\u2019t recognize race as a factor in stop-and-frisk policing, he also failed to see his own race as a factor in his success. One of O\u2019Brien\u2019s callers made him see white privilege differently. The caller talked about representation in film and media and said that even O\u2019Brien\u2019s radio station had only one presenter who was a person of color. He came to believe that white people see themselves reflected and represented in the media in a way that people of color don\u2019t, and that gives them a head start.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien recognized that some of his beliefs about others were unfair and unfounded. Examining the source of prejudices and talking to callers on his radio show helped him change his mind about overweight people, people with tattoos, and unmarried people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien used to bully fat people on his radio show, even though he himself was overweight. O\u2019Brien analyzes his own \u201cothering\u201d of fat people to demonstrate how he uses the same tactics as anyone who tries to dehumanize a group of people:<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien\u2019s prejudice against fat people<\/a> began to change when his family hired a wonderful person to help with childcare. She had long struggled with her weight (and she listened to his show). Knowing that she was a listener, every time he was about to launch into a diatribe about fat people, he thought of her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He also realized that his criticism of others<\/a> was more about his own inability to lose weight. It was another example of his \u201csurvival personality\u201d refusing to admit that he was vulnerable and needed help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien tried to figure out why he felt the way he did about tattoos, and he remembered an early scary experience with a mentally ill man from his town who had a spiderweb tattooed over his whole face. O\u2019Brien realized that holding onto a strong opinion<\/strong> about tattoos helped him feel a sense of control<\/a> and order in a chaotic world. <\/strong>It was a type of false certainty used to combat fear<\/strong> (not unlike religion, he says). <\/p>\n\n\n\n On the marriage question, O\u2019Brien realized that he held this belief because his parents told him that his biological mom (a single woman) gave him up for adoption because she thought his adoptive parents could give him a better life than she ever could. He took this to mean that a \u201cbetter life\u201d was what married people experienced. It was hard for him to let go of this belief because the importance of marriage was tied up with his own \u201corigin story.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n O\u2019Brien lets go of his prejudices by asking himself tough questions about why he believes what he does. He believes that you can\u2019t argue someone into changing their mind; you can only ask them questions until they get to a place where they might change their own mind.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n In examining \u201cwrong\u201d beliefs and prejudices, whether they\u2019re his own or someone else\u2019s, O\u2019Brien typically asks the following questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\nOverview of How Not to Be Wrong<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Beliefs About Self<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Beliefs About Others<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Failure to Recognize Racism and White Privilege<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Prejudices Against Overweight People, People With Tattoos, and Unmarried People<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFat-Shaming\u201d and Prejudice Against Overweight People<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Prejudice Against People With Tattoos & Unmarried People<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Letting Go of Prejudices (Changing Your Mind)<\/h3>\n\n\n\n