{"id":75389,"date":"2022-09-01T17:41:00","date_gmt":"2022-09-01T21:41:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=75389"},"modified":"2026-04-28T15:49:56","modified_gmt":"2026-04-28T19:49:56","slug":"productive-disagreement","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have a Productive Disagreement"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is productive disagreement? How do you disagree with someone in a respectful and non-combative way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Disagreeing productively means that you and the other person have a natural give and take and maintain an openness to working together. When you think of disagreement in this way, you can approach it as a fluid exchange of ideas\u2014a generative and creative interaction rather than a combative argument.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s how to have a productive disagreement, according to Adam Grant. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-productive-disagreement-s\"><strong>Productive Disagreement<\/strong>s<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first step in having a productive disagreement is to frame the interaction as a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/healthy-debate-culture\/\">healthy debate<\/a> rather than a confrontation. Grant suggests that you say, \u201cI would love to debate this issue with you.\u201d This reassurance makes people understand that your goal is to explore ideas, not question their judgment or challenge their identity.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Some other experts argue that before you can even attempt to reframe the discussion, you first need to make sure you\u2019re physically calm. This puts you in a better position to have a calm, productive discussion: You\u2019ll tamp down your natural \u201cfight or flight\u201d response and be less prone to misinterpreting the other person\u2019s words as threats or taunts. To calm down, experts suggest practicing <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-meditation-mindfulness\/\">mindfulness<\/a> (the state of being fully aware in the present moment) to tap into how your body is feeling. When you are aware <a href=\"https:\/\/www.rtor.org\/2020\/06\/17\/anger-management-how-to-control-it-and-express-it-the-right-way\/\">that your body is tense, take steps to reduce your level of anxiety by lying down, taking a walk, or listening to music.<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you establish that your disagreement is a discussion rather than a fight, Grant suggests several techniques to demonstrate productive engagement to your counterpart.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Express genuine interest in what the other person has to say. <\/strong>Expressing interest teaches the other person that their views are important and reassures them that they don\u2019t have to take a defensive stance.\u00a0<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Only present your strongest points.<\/strong> Present a small selection of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-create-a-strong-argument\/\">strong arguments<\/a> so you don\u2019t overwhelm your partner and make them feel defensive. (Shortform note: Experts say you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.comm.pitt.edu\/argument-claims-reasons-evidence\">identify strong arguments based on the evidence that supports the idea<\/a>. If it lacks good evidence, it\u2019s probably not a good argument.)\u00a0<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Ask a lot of contemplative questions.<\/strong>\u00a0 When you ask questions, you encourage the other person to engage in question-oriented thinking, too. And because they\u2019re now in question-asking mode, they may start to reconsider some of their beliefs leading them away from their more hardline stances.\u00a0<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Express how you are feeling throughout the interaction.<\/strong> Expressing emotion teaches the other person that it is safe to be honest about how they feel. (Shortform note: Psychologist Carl Rogers suggests an additional way to make others feel safe in difficult conversations\u2014expressing \u201cunconditional positive regard\u201d for them. In a specifically therapeutic context, this means <a href=\"https:\/\/counsellingtutor.com\/unconditional-positive-regard\/\">maintaining a non-judgmental attitude no matter what the other person might say, letting them express all their emotions openly, and accepting them as they are.<\/a>)\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Practice Calculated Empathy<\/strong><br><br>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/never-split-the-difference\/preview\"><em>Never Split the Difference<\/em><\/a>, former FBI hostage negotiator Christopher Voss writes about concepts similar to those explored by Grant. Voss applies them specifically to the context of a negotiation. Crucial to Voss\u2019s theory of negotiation is that good negotiators seek to build rapport, empathy, and trust with their counterpart, and don\u2019t try to undercut or exploit them.<br><br>Voss advocates using the technique of calculated empathy\u2014understanding someone <em>else\u2019s <\/em>feelings to get what <em>you <\/em>want from them. Calculated empathy gives you crucial insight into <em>why <\/em>someone is behaving the way they are. Ultimately, according to Voss, you need your counterpart to feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/romantic\/emotional-security\/\">emotionally safe<\/a> with you\u2014you want them to see you more as a partner than an adversary. Voss outlines five calculated empathy techniques:<br><br><strong>1. Active listening<\/strong>: Talk slowly and calmly to show that you\u2019re <em>concerned <\/em>about how the other person feels.<br><br><strong>2. Use the right tone<\/strong>: Use a light and encouraging voice as your default tone to put your counterpart at ease.\u00a0<br><br><strong>3. Reflect back<\/strong>: Repeat the last three words that the person has said in your next sentence. By imitating their speech patterns, you\u2019re signaling to the other person not only that you\u2019re hearing them, but also that you\u2019re <em>similar <\/em>to them.\u00a0<br><br><strong>4. Label<\/strong>: Identify and vocalize someone else\u2019s emotions through phrases like, \u201cIt seems like you\u2019re disappointed by what\u2019s being offered.\u201d<br><br><strong>5.<\/strong> <strong>Perform accusation audits<\/strong>: List every bad thing your counterpart could say about you at the beginning of the negotiation, through phrases like, \u201cYou probably think I\u2019m lowballing you on this offer, that I\u2019m trying to cheat you, and that I don\u2019t have any respect for your intelligence.\u201d This triggers your counterpart\u2019s innate empathy and makes them want to reassure you that you\u2019re not as bad as you\u2019ve portrayed yourself.\u00a0<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is productive disagreement? How do you disagree with someone in a respectful and non-combative way? Disagreeing productively means that you and the other person have a natural give and take and maintain an openness to working together. When you think of disagreement in this way, you can approach it as a fluid exchange of ideas\u2014a generative and creative interaction rather than a combative argument.&nbsp;&nbsp; Here&#8217;s how to have a productive disagreement, according to Adam Grant.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":14884,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,30],"tags":[716],"class_list":["post-75389","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-work","tag-think-again","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Have a Productive Disagreement - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The goal of productive disagreement is to explore ideas, not to undermine each other&#039;s judgment. 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Here&#039;s how to disagree productively.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-09-01T21:41:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2026-04-28T19:49:56+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/thougtful-disagreement-principles-scaled.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"2560\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1707\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"How to Have a Productive Disagreement\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-09-01T21:41:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-04-28T19:49:56+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/\"},\"wordCount\":808,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/thougtful-disagreement-principles-scaled.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Think Again\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Relationships\",\"Work\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/\",\"name\":\"How to Have a Productive Disagreement - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/productive-disagreement\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/thougtful-disagreement-principles-scaled.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-09-01T21:41:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-04-28T19:49:56+00:00\",\"description\":\"The goal of productive disagreement is to explore ideas, not to undermine each other's judgment. 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