{"id":75205,"date":"2022-08-10T12:34:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-10T16:34:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=75205"},"modified":"2022-08-12T14:19:18","modified_gmt":"2022-08-12T18:19:18","slug":"being-a-supportive-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"Being a Supportive Parent: Importance &#038; Benefits"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What does it mean to be a supportive parent? Why is it important to be supportive? How does being a supportive parent benefit children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to author Alfie Kohn, today&#8217;s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parenting-advice\/\">parenting advice<\/a> focuses almost exclusively on a punishment-and-reward system of discipline. Not enough attention is paid to learning how to be a supportive parent outside of disciplining kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading for Kohn&#8217;s advice on being a supportive parent and why it&#8217;s so important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-why-being-a-supportive-parent-is-important\">Why Being a Supportive Parent Is Important<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>How can we raise kids to be self-confident, independent, and compassionate? In <em>Unconditional Parenting,<\/em> author and lecturer Alfie Kohn argues that we should throw away the standard parenting rulebook and replace it with a new approach built on being a supportive parent who shows unconditional acceptance and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn doesn\u2019t discuss the science behind this readjustment of priorities, but it\u2019s becoming increasingly clear that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/no-drama-discipline#what-is-no-drama-discipline\">kids\u2019 brains benefit<\/a> <strong>from a close, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/supportive-relationships\/\">supportive relationship<\/a> with their caregivers<\/strong>, that caregivers who focus on long-term goals <a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/1987-34208-001\">behave in a more nurturing way and are better at explaining their reasoning<\/a>, and that <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0165025416681538\">children who see discipline as fair are more likely to comply<\/a>. And one interesting joint problem-solving method\u2014though Kohn likely wouldn\u2019t endorse this approach\u2014is asking kids to come up with their own punishments. Kids are often <a href=\"https:\/\/www.fatherly.com\/love-money\/let-kids-choose-their-own-punishment-parents\">surprisingly fair<\/a> in determining punishments, and may even go too far, turning into barbaric \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/roomfordebate\/2013\/04\/04\/should-kids-pick-their-own-punishments-9\">little Stalins<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While Kohn\u2019s methods are similar to those of other gentle parenting advocates, his emphasis on unconditional love over behavior change strategies sets him apart from most others. This underlying attitude of unconditional support does seem to be important. For example, research shows that both negative and positive \u201cparental conditional regard\u201d <a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/2009-09998-008\">have negative effects on children<\/a>, especially in terms of how they learn to cope with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-emotions\/\">difficult emotions<\/a>. The opposite of conditional regard\u2014autonomy support\u2014has positive effects.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How Being a Supportive Parent Benefits Kids<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>To replace ineffective and damaging conditional parenting tactics, Kohn proposes being a supportive parent through unconditional parenting techniques. This means <strong>making it absolutely clear to your child that your love doesn\u2019t depend on their compliance<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Unconditional parenting:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. Prioritizes the relationship over the behavior.<\/strong> Kohn argues that people who use rewards and punishments treat the parent-child relationship as transactional. But while transactional relationships are common for adults, they\u2019re not appropriate within families. Being a supportive parent means that parental love and affection shouldn\u2019t have to be earned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. Prioritizes long-term goals over short-term ones.<\/strong> Conditional parenting techniques might make a child comply right now, but they don\u2019t help her to develop empathy, autonomy, and healthy self-esteem in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. Prioritizes the child\u2019s developmental needs over the adult\u2019s convenience.<\/strong> Let\u2019s be honest\u2014parents often demand that a child do something because it makes the parent\u2019s life easier, not because they have his best interests at heart. Being a supportive parent means putting the child first. To do this, you\u2019ll need to be patient, flexible, and scrupulously honest about your motivations.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. Sees the child as an active, rather than a passive, participant. <\/strong>Kohn recommends \u201cworking with\u201d children rather than \u201cdoing to\u201d them, which means seeing difficult behavior as a problem to be solved together, rather than as a trigger for criticism or punishment.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What does it mean to be a supportive parent? Why is it important to be supportive? How does being a supportive parent benefit children? According to author Alfie Kohn, today&#8217;s parenting advice focuses almost exclusively on a punishment-and-reward system of discipline. Not enough attention is paid to learning how to be a supportive parent outside of disciplining kids. Keep reading for Kohn&#8217;s advice on being a supportive parent and why it&#8217;s so important.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":75230,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[711],"class_list":["post-75205","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-relationships","tag-unconditional-parenting","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Being a Supportive Parent: Importance &amp; Benefits - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How do kids benefit from supportive parents? How can you be a supportive parent? Learn Kohn&#039;s techniques for showing unconditional support.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Being a Supportive Parent: Importance &amp; Benefits\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How do kids benefit from supportive parents? How can you be a supportive parent? Learn Kohn&#039;s techniques for showing unconditional support.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-08-10T16:34:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-08-12T18:19:18+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/mom-kissing-baby.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1852\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1240\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Emily Kitazawa\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Emily Kitazawa\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Emily Kitazawa\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/e094024454c7d3334a149c0cf039bdeb\"},\"headline\":\"Being a Supportive Parent: Importance &#038; Benefits\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-08-10T16:34:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-08-12T18:19:18+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\"},\"wordCount\":558,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/mom-kissing-baby.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Unconditional Parenting\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Parenting\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/\",\"name\":\"Being a Supportive Parent: Importance & Benefits - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-a-supportive-parent\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/08\/mom-kissing-baby.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-08-10T16:34:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-08-12T18:19:18+00:00\",\"description\":\"How do kids benefit from supportive parents? 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