{"id":74888,"date":"2022-08-02T19:24:00","date_gmt":"2022-08-02T23:24:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=74888"},"modified":"2022-08-12T14:19:36","modified_gmt":"2022-08-12T18:19:36","slug":"how-to-be-a-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Parent: Alfie Kohn&#8217;s 3 Guidelines"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Want to know how to be a parent in today&#8217;s ever-changing world? What should you know to be a great parent? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Author Alfie Kohn argues that mainstream parenting has several potentially damaging disadvantages, including poor self-esteem and depression in children. In <em>Unconditional Parenting<\/em>, Kohn presents a new approach built on unconditional support, acceptance, and understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn Kohn&#8217;s advice about how to be a parent in today&#8217;s world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-be-a-parent-issues-with-mainstream-parenting\">How to Be a Parent: Issues With Mainstream Parenting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Kohn, <strong>mainstream <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parenting-advice\/\">parenting advice<\/a> focuses almost exclusively on how to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/apply-discipline\/\">use discipline<\/a><\/strong>: being a parent today means using rewards to encourage good behavior and punishments to discourage bad behavior. He argues that even seemingly progressive parenting advice (for example, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nationwidechildrens.org\/family-resources-education\/health-wellness-and-safety-resources\/helping-hands\/behavior-support-catching-your-child-being-good\">doling out attention, affection, and praise when you catch your child behaving well<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/parents\/essentials\/timeout\/steps.html\">putting a misbehaving child in a time-out<\/a>) still buys into an overall parenting framework built around rewards and punishments.<strong> This framework for how to be a parent, he says, is outdated, and it may even be damaging your children<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Parents are often advised to tweak these strategies to make them less damaging, for example by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.cdc.gov\/parents\/essentials\/consequences\/ignoring.html\">ignoring bad behavior<\/a> rather than actively punishing it or by <a href=\"https:\/\/eric.ed.gov\/?id=EJ777079\">praising effort, not ability<\/a>. But Kohn says this misses the point\u2014he encourages parents to <strong>break free of the old framework entirely<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why You Shouldn&#8217;t Use Conditional Parenting<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn argues that any system of <strong>rewards and punishments<\/strong> (and their close relatives, bribes, and threats) is ultimately destined to fail both parent and child. Specifically, <strong>parents should stop using these techniques for six reasons:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. They\u2019re rooted in behaviorism<\/strong>, an outdated psychological theory that\u2019s inappropriate to use with human children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. They send children the wrong message. <\/strong>Conditional parenting techniques teach children that:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>You only love them when they behave well.<\/li><li>Compliance is more important than <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/independent-thinking\/\">independent thinking<\/a>.<\/li><li>Their parents\u2019 approval is more important than their own desires.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. They make children self-interested<\/strong> by establishing that the only way to be rewarded, and not punished, is through thinking of selfish consequences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. They\u2019re manipulative and disrespectful<\/strong>. They trivialize kids\u2019 own desires and points of view in a way that you\u2019d never consider doing with another adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>5. They don\u2019t work. <\/strong>Rewards, punishments, bribes, and threats might \u201cwork\u201d to achieve compliance in the short term, but in the long term they\u2019re ineffective and often backfire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>6. They have damaging long-term effects.<\/strong> Kohn cites studies showing that children whose parents use \u201ccontrol techniques\u201d end up with <a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1111\/1467-6494.00096\">poor self-esteem<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.jstor.org\/stable\/3701442\">depression<\/a> and may even be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/abs\/pii\/S0191886999002640\">more likely to commit crimes<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Be an Unconditional Parent: Kohn&#8217;s Guidelines<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn deliberately <em>doesn\u2019t<\/em> offer scripts or specific advice on how to be a parent, saying that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-pay-attention\/\">paying attention<\/a>, reflecting, and following the principles is enough. Parents have criticized him for this, however, so <strong>for each guideline, we\u2019ll add one or two specific techniques<\/strong> for you to experiment with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Guideline #1: Keep Calm<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Children are extremely sensitive to their parents\u2019 emotional states. <strong>If<\/strong><strong><em> you<\/em><\/strong><strong> keep calm, so will your child. <\/strong>Stress causes parents to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.taylorfrancis.com\/chapters\/edit\/10.4324\/9780429401695-3\/parenting-child-discipline-jennifer-lansford\">discipline their kids more severely and more inconsistently<\/a>, which is exactly what you\u2019re trying to avoid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn recognizes that staying calm can be a particular challenge if you\u2019re in public, or if a child shouts things like \u201cI hate you!\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re a bad daddy!\u201d In these cases, don\u2019t get flustered; just see this as a way that she\u2019s expressing negative feelings in the moment.<strong> If you stay calm, you\u2019re also modeling good emotional regulation<\/strong>, which is one of the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/benefits-of-public-speaking\/\">most important life skills<\/a> your child can learn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>How to Be a Patient Parent: The CEO Technique<br><\/strong><br>If you\u2019re having trouble staying calm, Janet Lansbury recommends <a href=\"https:\/\/www.janetlansbury.com\/2010\/04\/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines\/\">imagining you\u2019re a CEO<\/a>. How would a competent CEO communicate with an employee who\u2019s made a mistake? She would explain the problem clearly, without getting angry or making the employee feel ashamed. Then she would spell out the steps necessary to repair the error.&nbsp;<br><br>Lansbury adds that it\u2019s important to respond quickly. If too much time passes after the behavior you want to correct, drawing attention to it can feel like shaming to the child. If you miss one opportunity, just wait for it to come around again.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Guideline #2: See Things From the Child\u2019s Perspective<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Kohn,<strong> the basis for all unconditional parenting techniques is empathy.<\/strong> Young children get carted from place to place, they\u2019re physically smaller and weaker than adults, and in general they have very little control over their lives. They\u2019re also dealing with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.janetlansbury.com\/2013\/10\/the-real-reasons-toddlers-push-limits\/\">impulses and emotions they don\u2019t understand<\/a>, rapidly changing bodies and brains, and new and confusing social situations. Your child\u2019s needs and emotions might not make much sense to you (for example, you might not be too worried about monsters under the bed), but you should take them seriously because your child takes them seriously. In particular, <strong>don\u2019t dismiss behavior as \u201cattention-seeking\u201d<\/strong>\u2014wanting attention is a perfectly legitimate human need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn adds that when you\u2019re trying to figure out your child\u2019s motivations for doing something you don\u2019t like, he recommends <strong>going with the most generous interpretation possible of what you\u2019ve observed<\/strong>, for two reasons: First, you don\u2019t want to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-not-jump-to-conclusions\/\">jump to conclusions<\/a> that might not be correct, and second, kids internalize the motivations we attribute to them (for example, if you say, \u201cDon\u2019t be selfish, share your toys,\u201d the child might interpret this to mean that she\u2019s a selfish person). Showing empathy to your kids also models the empathetic behavior you want them to grow into later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Guideline #3: Control the Environment, Not the Child<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn&#8217;s recommendations for how to be a great parent include <strong>structuring your child\u2019s environment so it sets him up for success<\/strong>. For example, it\u2019s more effective to set up a barrier between the child and any dangerous objects than to continually tell them \u201cno\u201d or move him away. For a small child, this could look like moving breakable objects to higher shelves. If you\u2019re going to leave the house to do something that you know will be boring for your child, bring along some toys or books that will keep him occupied.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This guideline applies to time, too: It\u2019s a universal rule of parenting that the tighter the timeframe, the longer the child will take to get ready. <strong>Whenever you can, allot more time to activities than you think you\u2019ll need.<\/strong> Doing this also helps you to keep your cool (Guideline #1).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Want to know how to be a parent in today&#8217;s ever-changing world? What should you know to be a great parent? Author Alfie Kohn argues that mainstream parenting has several potentially damaging disadvantages, including poor self-esteem and depression in children. In Unconditional Parenting, Kohn presents a new approach built on unconditional support, acceptance, and understanding. Keep reading to learn Kohn&#8217;s advice about how to be a parent in today&#8217;s world.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":74958,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,13],"tags":[711],"class_list":["post-74888","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-parenting","tag-unconditional-parenting","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Be a Parent: Alfie Kohn&#039;s 3 Guidelines - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Want to know how to be a parent in today&#039;s world? What are the qualities of the best parents? Learn Kohn&#039;s advice for being a great parent.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-parent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Be a Parent: Alfie Kohn&#039;s 3 Guidelines\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Want to know how to be a parent in today&#039;s world? What are the qualities of the best parents? 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