{"id":74887,"date":"2022-07-31T19:16:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-31T23:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=74887"},"modified":"2026-04-28T15:50:56","modified_gmt":"2026-04-28T19:50:56","slug":"how-to-become-a-good-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-become-a-good-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Become a Good Parent: 3 Essential Principles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Want to know <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-better-parent\/\">how to become a good parent<\/a>? What are the three principles of great parenting?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Author and lecturer Alfie Kohn believes that standard parenting principles are outdated and potentially damaging. To become a good parent, Kohn created his unconditional parenting principles to show parents how to positively discipline and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/communication-with-children\/\">communicate with children<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read on to learn Kohn&#8217;s three essential principles for how to become a good parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-to-become-a-good-parent-rethinking-parenting\">How to Become a Good Parent: Rethinking Parenting<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Want to know how to become a good parent? In his book, Kohn notes that <strong>most parents have similar long-term goals for their children<\/strong>: They want them to be <strong>happy, independent, confident, and creative<\/strong>. But he cautions that it\u2019s <strong>easy to forget about these goals in the short term<\/strong> and shift your focus to whether or not the child is being \u201cgood\u201d (doing what you want them to do) or \u201cbad\u201d (doing something else) at any given moment.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This concept of<strong> <\/strong>\u201cgood\u201d and \u201cbad\u201d behavior, and the system of rewards and punishments that springs up to reinforce it, entangles both parents and children so deeply that it can be hard to see alternatives. If you want to become a good parent, Kohn says how you discipline children makes a big difference. The central issue with traditional discipline is that <strong>rewards and punishments<\/strong> <strong>make children feel that their parents\u2019 love, approval, and affection are contingent on them behaving well.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><br>(Shortform note: While Kohn\u2019s methods are similar to those of other gentle parenting advocates, his emphasis on unconditional love over behavior change strategies sets him apart from most others. This underlying attitude of unconditional support does seem to be important. For example, research shows that both negative and positive \u201cparental conditional regard\u201d <a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/2009-09998-008\">have negative effects on children<\/a>, especially in terms of how they learn to cope with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-emotions\/\">difficult emotions<\/a>. The opposite of conditional regard\u2014autonomy support\u2014has positive effects.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Principle #1: See Things From the Child\u2019s Perspective<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Kohn,<strong> if you want to become a good parent, you should understand how to have empathy.<\/strong> Young children get carted from place to place, they\u2019re physically smaller and weaker than adults, and in general they have very little control over their lives. They\u2019re also dealing with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.janetlansbury.com\/2013\/10\/the-real-reasons-toddlers-push-limits\/\">impulses and emotions they don\u2019t understand<\/a>, rapidly changing bodies and brains, and new and confusing social situations. Your child\u2019s needs and emotions might not make much sense to you (for example, you might not be too worried about monsters under the bed), but you should take them seriously because your child takes them seriously. In particular, <strong>don\u2019t dismiss behavior as \u201cattention-seeking\u201d<\/strong>\u2014wanting attention is a perfectly legitimate human need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Principle #2: Communicate Unconditional Acceptance<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Kohn emphasizes that unconditional parenting isn\u2019t about the message you think you\u2019re sending\u2014it\u2019s about the message the child is receiving. The fact that<em>you <\/em>love your child unconditionally is less important than how <em>they<\/em> feel. This doesn\u2019t mean that becoming a good parent requires you to see how everything your child does as perfect\u2014but it does mean that no matter what he does, your highest priority should always be creating an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/hub\/personal-life\/relationships\/romantic\/emotional-security\/\">emotionally safe<\/a> environment. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/body-language-crucial-conversations\/\">Body language<\/a>, facial expressions, and gestures are key here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Principle #3: Reflect Regularly<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Using <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-self-reflect\/\">self-reflection<\/a> is one of Kohn&#8217;s most important principles for how to become a good parent. To make sure that you don\u2019t parent according to your mood or unknowingly reproduce patterns from your own childhood, <strong>stop and reflect often<\/strong>. Kohn cautions that this isn\u2019t the same as rationalizing the decisions we\u2019ve made (which is often tempting). The goal isn\u2019t to be overly self-critical, as that doesn\u2019t help either; it\u2019s to introduce a healthy level of humility and an openness to change.<strong> <\/strong>Kohn recommends that you<strong> stop and ask yourself: <\/strong>\u201c<strong>If someone said or did that to me, would <em>I <\/em>feel loved unconditionally?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Want to know how to become a good parent? What are the three principles of great parenting? Author and lecturer Alfie Kohn believes that standard parenting principles are outdated and potentially damaging. To become a good parent, Kohn created his unconditional parenting principles to show parents how to positively discipline and communicate with children. Read on to learn Kohn&#8217;s three essential principles for how to become a good parent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":74956,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,43],"tags":[711],"class_list":["post-74887","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-self-improvement","tag-unconditional-parenting","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Become a Good Parent: 3 Essential Principles - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Want to know how to become a good parent? According to Alfie Kohn, the best parents follow these important principles of parenting.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-become-a-good-parent\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Become a Good Parent: 3 Essential Principles\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Want to know how to become a good parent? 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