{"id":73749,"date":"2022-07-19T12:47:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-19T16:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=73749"},"modified":"2022-07-29T15:35:26","modified_gmt":"2022-07-29T19:35:26","slug":"how-to-be-compassionate-to-yourself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-compassionate-to-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be Compassionate to Yourself at Work"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is confidence the key to success<\/a>, or is it overrated? How should you treat yourself when you fail?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Barking Up the Wrong Tree<\/em>, Eric Barker contends that confidence can cause you to attempt things beyond your ability, ultimately leading to failure. He believes you should trade confidence for self-compassion<\/a>. Be realistic about your abilities, and be kind to yourself<\/a> when achievements are beyond your grasp. Barker says that self-compassion is<\/a> a superior way to get what confidence offers: a better mood and increased performance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading to learn how to be compassionate to yourself<\/a>, especially in the workplace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Be Compassionate to Yourself<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Being kind to others<\/em> can help you succeed, but how should you act towards yourself<\/em>? Conventional wisdom dictates that being confident is key to success\u2014and that if you aren\u2019t confident, you should act as if<\/a> you were. However, Barker argues that confidence is overrated<\/strong>. We\u2019ll discuss why projecting confidence isn\u2019t always the best idea\u2014and how to be compassionate to yourself instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Barker admits that confidence has many benefits: Notably, confident people often become successful because they\u2019re willing to take advantage of potentially risky but ultimately rewarding opportunities. (Shortform note: Barker argues that confidence leads people to take risks, but one expert suggests that the reverse is also true: Taking risks increases your self-confidence<\/a> by proving to you that even if you fail, you can still get through that failure.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, Barker contends that we focus too much on the benefits of confidence and not enough on its negative consequences<\/strong>: the reality that, just because we\u2019re confident (or pretend to be confident) in our ability to do something doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that we\u2019re able to do that thing. As a result, being confident can lead us to believe that we can do things we can\u2019t and thus make poor decisions<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To illustrate, Barker tells the story of martial arts expert Yanagi Ryuken. Ryuken was confident that he could defeat his opponents without engaging in physical contact with them and agreed to test this ability in a fight\u2014which he promptly lost, along with his credibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why Ryuken Didn\u2019t Have Self-Esteem<\/strong>

Barker never explicitly defines confidence or its related terms. The closest he gets is when he equates confidence with self-esteem and implies that being \u201coverconfident\u201d involves a surplus of self-esteem that leads us to overestimate our abilities and thus make bad decisions<\/a>. However, in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem<\/em><\/a>, psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden emphasizes that self-esteem consists partly of trust in your own capability<\/a>\u2014a trust you develop by repeatedly proving that you\u2019re capable.

By Branden\u2019s definition, Ryuken\u2014and others like him\u2014didn\u2019t suffer from an overabundance of self-esteem (as Barker argues) but rather a lack of it. Branden contends that understanding your reality and responding appropriately to it is essential to your self-esteem<\/a>. Moreover, he implies that by repeatedly making good decisions<\/a> that take reality into account, you repeatedly prove yourself capable and thus improve your self-esteem<\/a>. Since Ryuken was unable<\/em> to accept the reality that his fighting abilities were not as magical as he wanted to believe, he didn\u2019t have high self-esteem in the way Branden describes.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

How to Avoid the Drawbacks of Confidence<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

So how can you avoid the negative consequences of confidence? According to Barker, the best way is to ignore confidence entirely. Instead, try to become more self-compassionate<\/strong>\u2014in other words, be kinder to yourself when you fail. Self-compassion improves your performance and boosts your mood\u2014just as self-confidence does. However, self-compassion has one major advantage over self-confidence: When you\u2019re self-compassionate, you don\u2019t overestimate your abilities. Rather, research indicates that being self-compassionate encourages appropriate judgments so you see your true<\/em> self\u2014flaws included. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Understanding Self-Compassion<\/strong>

In The Confidence Code<\/em><\/a>, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman elaborate further on the benefits of self-compassion<\/a>, which they define more explicitly than Barker as judging yourself by the standards that you judge your friends by. They explain that self-compassion allows you to accept failure because it reminds you that you\u2019re human and that humans aren\u2019t perfect. 

Kay and Shipman add that self-compassion encourages you to take positive action by reminding you that it\u2019s OK if a risky action doesn\u2019t work out. This may explain why self-compassion improves your performance and boosts your mood: As we\u2019ve seen, risk-taking often leads to success, and research suggests that risk-takers are happier<\/a>. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

But what if you\u2019re not<\/em> willing to prioritize self-compassion over self-confidence? In that case, Barker says you can avoid the worst consequences of confidence by never pretending to be good at things you can\u2019t do<\/strong>: When people discover that you\u2019ve lied to them, they\u2019ll stop trusting you. Instead, work on improving your skills<\/a><\/strong>: Doing so will increase your confidence, but this is deserved <\/em>confidence that reflects reality\u2014and so doesn\u2019t lead you to make poor decisions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Relationship Between Vulnerability and Lying<\/strong>

It seems obvious that someone who learns you\u2019ve lied to them would stop trusting you\u2014so why lie in the first place? One possibility is that you lie because you feel vulnerable. In Dare to Lead<\/em><\/a>, researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown explains that when people feel vulnerable, they automatically resort to defensive behaviors that protect them from negative emotions<\/a>. Similarly, if you\u2019re put on the spot and feel vulnerable about admitting you can\u2019t do something, you might lie to protect yourself from embarrassment. 

To avoid resorting to defensive behaviors<\/a> in moments of vulnerability, Brown explains that people depend on \u201cgrounded confidence,\u201d<\/a> confidence based on a proven ability to face your vulnerability rather than a belief that you probably should. So if you struggle to improve the skill you\u2019re tempted to lie about, try improving your levels of grounded confidence instead. One way to do so is to approach your work with curiosity: By taking the time to examine problems instead of panicking, you\u2019ll recognize and take advantage of valuable learning opportunities.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Of course, improving your skills takes time. So, what if you haven\u2019t yet improved your skills but are in a situation where you have to get someone to admire you\u2014like in a job interview? Barker suggests you don\u2019t lie, but rather be the \u201cbest version of yourself\u201d<\/strong> so you present yourself in a positive but accurate light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: How can you present the best version of yourself in a particular situation? Experts contend that, in addition to actually having the skills you claim to have, you must also determine what version of yourself the situation requires and be driven to act like that version of yourself<\/a>. For example, in a job interview, you must determine<\/em> what the interviewer wants, want<\/em> to be that ideal, and present<\/em> a version of yourself that\u2019s close to the ideal but remains true to you.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is confidence the key to success, or is it overrated? How should you treat yourself when you fail? In Barking Up the Wrong Tree, Eric Barker contends that confidence can cause you to attempt things beyond your ability, ultimately leading to failure. He believes you should trade confidence for self-compassion. Be realistic about your abilities, and be kind to yourself when achievements are beyond your grasp. Barker says that self-compassion is a superior way to get what confidence offers: a better mood and increased performance. Continue reading to learn how to be compassionate to yourself, especially in the workplace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":73758,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,43,30],"tags":[698],"class_list":["post-73749","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-motivation","category-self-improvement","category-work","tag-barking-up-the-wrong-tree","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Be Compassionate to Yourself at Work - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Confidence is overrated. It can lead to poor decisions and failure. 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