{"id":72347,"date":"2022-07-04T11:15:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-04T15:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=72347"},"modified":"2022-07-18T16:13:29","modified_gmt":"2022-07-18T20:13:29","slug":"changes-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/changes-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Changes in Relationships Are Completely Healthy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Have you hit a rough patch in your relationship? How can making changes mend your relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Getting the Love You Want<\/em>, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that you and your partner need to make changes to fulfill your needs. These changes are important for <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-grow-as-a-person\/\">personal growth<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s how to effectively make changes in relationships so you and your partner can be happier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-mutual-transformation\"><strong>Mutual Transformation<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Through a process of self-discovery, you can become more aware of the unconscious drives that led you to seek out and create a loving bond. More importantly, <strong>you can also learn to understand your partner\u2019s unspoken needs.<\/strong> This is where the hard part begins: making complex changes in relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When a relationship is in crisis, we often wish our partner would change to meet our own desires. In a relationship where the couple is conscious allies, <strong>we commit to changing <em>ourselves <\/em>to meet our partner\u2019s deepest needs<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hendrix and Hunt provide a tool to facilitate gradual transformation: the \u201cBehavior Change Request Dialogue.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>In this dialogue, one person brings up a broad-ranging desire that is followed by specific, actionable requests.<\/li><li>The other partner can then choose from the options and agrees to follow through on one of the requests.<\/li><li>The requests are made in the form of a scripted dialogue, with <em>mirroring<\/em>, <em>validation<\/em>, and <em>empathy <\/em>for each other.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Through this process, you and your partner will make incremental changes to your behavior. However, <strong>the Behavior Change Request is not transactional<\/strong>. Any changes you make must be done so freely, as a gift. The fact that you can <em>choose <\/em>whether or which changes to make ensures that you don\u2019t give up personal autonomy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It will be easier for you to meet some requests for change than others. According to Hendrix and Hunt, <strong>the requests that spark the strongest resistance are those that touch on areas where you have the greatest need for growth.<\/strong> Part of your resistance to making changes may be rooted in the feeling that you\u2019re violating a rule or taboo set by your parents. If you feel resistance to your <em>partner <\/em>making changes, your caregivers may have taught you that you weren\u2019t worthy of receiving love in that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As you and your partner make gradual changes, you create a cycle of mutual growth. By changing yourselves to meet your partner&#8217;s needs, you fill in the pieces of your own Lost Self.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-healthy-vs-unhealthy-mutual-dependence\"><strong>Healthy vs. Unhealthy Mutual Dependence<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It may appear at first glance that Hendrix and Hunt are promoting <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/basics\/codependency\">codependency<\/a>, in which someone has an unhealthy reliance on their partner for their own <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-health-and-well-being\/\">emotional well-being<\/a>. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/codependent-no-more\"><em>Codependent No More<\/em><\/a>, Melody Beattie encourages codependent people to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/codependent-no-more\/part-2\">detach from their toxic partners and learn to take care of themselves<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This seems to argue directly against the type of bond that Hendrix and Hunt wish to create. However, it should be noted that a truly codependent relationship does not meet two of the basic requirements for a couple taking part in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/imago-relationship-therapy\/\">Imago Relationship Therapy<\/a>: that both partners commit to the therapy process, and that they create a safe space within the relationship for growth and expression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-an-alternate-view-negotiation-as-a-model\"><strong>An Alternate View: Negotiation as a Model<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>While Hendrix and Hunt stress that personal growth shouldn\u2019t be tit-for-tat, many couples therapists adopt a more traditional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/marriage-equals\/201902\/the-right-way-negotiate-your-partner\">negotiation approach<\/a> (each side giving something) to make changes in relationships. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/finding-common-ground-the-harvard-negotiation-project\/\">The Gottman Institute<\/a> recommends that couples discuss their emotional needs using a tool developed by the Harvard Negotiation Project that embodies the following principles:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Appreciation <\/strong>for each other\u2019s point of view<\/li><li><strong>Affiliation <\/strong>between partners, not adversaries<\/li><li><strong>Autonomy <\/strong>to set your own personal boundaries<\/li><li><strong>Status <\/strong>between partners recognized as being equal<\/li><li><strong>Role <\/strong>of two parties working toward compromise<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>While there is certainly some overlap between modern couples\u2019 negotiation methods and Hendrix and Hunt\u2019s behavior <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-process-of-change\/\">change process<\/a>, it was the authors\u2019 experience of the failure of the older, <em>quid pro quo<\/em> model of negotiation that led them to devise another way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-the-success-rate-of-change\"><strong>The Success Rate of Change<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Anyone who\u2019s ever tried to quit smoking or go on a diet knows how hard it is to make permanent changes. Polls on the success of people attempting to make personal changes vary wildly. They show <a href=\"https:\/\/today.yougov.com\/topics\/lifestyle\/articles-reports\/2020\/12\/23\/2021-new-years-resolutions-poll\">failure rates from 50%<\/a> to <a href=\"https:\/\/skooloflife.medium.com\/why-96-percent-of-personal-development-efforts-fail-63a0990b7c1d#.ufy1h2npb\">as much as 96%<\/a>. However, the results do show that there are ways to influence your individual outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/switch\"><em>Switch<\/em><\/a>, business experts Chip and Dan Heath explain that to successfully make a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/switch-by-chip-and-dan-heath\/\">lasting change<\/a>, you must engage your emotions <em>and<\/em> your rational mind, while adapting the environment around you to support the change you want to make. If applied faithfully, Hendrix and Hunt\u2019s behavior change method addresses all three of these criteria.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Have you hit a rough patch in your relationship? How can making changes mend your relationship? In Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that you and your partner need to make changes to fulfill your needs. These changes are important for personal growth. Here&#8217;s how to effectively make changes in relationships so you and your partner can be happier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":14881,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[685],"class_list":["post-72347","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-getting-the-love-you-want","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Changes in Relationships Are Completely Healthy - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In relationships, couples often change to make their partner happy. 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