{"id":72333,"date":"2022-07-10T14:02:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-10T18:02:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=72333"},"modified":"2022-07-18T16:13:17","modified_gmt":"2022-07-18T20:13:17","slug":"effects-of-childhood-trauma-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/effects-of-childhood-trauma-2\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Effects of Childhood Trauma That Affect Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What are the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/effects-of-childhood-trauma\/\">effects of childhood trauma<\/a> on your adult life? How does childhood trauma affect romantic relationships?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>Getting the Love You Want<\/em>, therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-unconscious-mind\/\">unconscious mind<\/a> chooses a mate who will help you resolve the wounded parts of your childhood. When your partner fails to meet your unconscious expectations, your relationship falls apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Check out how your childhood affects your adult relationships below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Legacy of Childhood<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When a relationship starts to falter, it\u2019s easy to blame your partner. Often, you\u2019re not even consciously aware of the specific hidden needs you expect them to fulfill. To understand the unconscious drives that you bring into a romantic relationship, it\u2019s important to examine the effects of childhood trauma. Hendrix and Hunt propose that the process of mutual self-discovery will shine a light on your unmet childhood needs and will become the first step in transforming you and your partner from antagonists into allies on the road to rebuilding your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Imperfect Parents<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Many people are survivors of traumatic childhoods, having suffered abuse, physical hardships, or the loss of parents or siblings. However, Hendrix and Hunt point out that <strong>the events that warped your childhood need not be dramatic or overt to have lasting effects. <\/strong>All childhoods are imperfect, because parents are human, with unmet needs and flaws of their own. Usually, when a parent says or does something that inadvertently hurts their child, the emotional wound will heal over time. But if the hurting is repeated and persistent, it leaves <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/long-lasting-effects-of-childhood-trauma\/\">lasting effects of childhood trauma<\/a> that are carried into adulthood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>While there are many ways parents can have a negative impact, Hendrix and Hunt focus on two broad categories of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/effects-of-imperfect-parenting\/\">imperfect parenting<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Parents who are intrusive and controlling<\/strong> raise children who learn to isolate themselves to preserve their sense of identity.<\/li><li><strong>Parents who are absent or neglectfu<\/strong>l raise children who learn to cling hard to their loved ones, desperate to be seen and acknowledged.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Hendrix and Hunt state that <strong>in seeking out romantic partners, your unconscious mind is searching for someone who closely resembles the traits of your parents<\/strong>. For example, a person whose father prioritized work over family may be drawn to someone who\u2019s career-driven, with the unspoken agenda of getting their partner to make <em>them <\/em>their life\u2019s focus, and not their job instead. In other words,<strong> your subconscious wants to recreate your childhood, with the intention that \u201cthis time, you\u2019re going to get it right.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Cost of Socialization<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Another emotional effect of childhood trauma is the cultural expectations we\u2019re raised with. The authors explain that parents, teachers, and clergy impose the rules as to what we\u2019re not allowed to do, think, or say, while also defining our place in society\u2014for example, \u201cboys don\u2019t cry\u201d and \u201cgirls should be mothers when they grow up.\u201d Socialization teaches children to close off parts of themselves\u2014to repress certain thoughts, feelings, and desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we commit self-denial to fit into the strictures of family and culture, we create a <em>lost self<\/em> like a hole in the psyche. On some level, we may be aware that an essential part of ourselves is missing, and in relationships, we may be attracted to people who exhibit the traits that were repressed in our own lives. For example, someone who feels socially awkward may be attracted to a person who is outgoing. Hendrix and Hunt suggest that in addition to looking for a parental match, <strong>your unconscious is actively searching for a partner who will fill your missing pieces and make you feel complete.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/impact-of-culture\/\">impact of culture<\/a> on child development can\u2019t be overstated. A study of teenagers from 19 countries found that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedaily.com\/releases\/2014\/02\/140224081027.htm\">their sense of fulfillment and self-esteem depends on how well they live up to their cultural values<\/a>\u2014not what they value themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>One factor not touched on by Hendrix and Hunt is the effect of social class on child development and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/emotional-health-and-well-being\/\">emotional well-being<\/a>. Many studies show that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.apa.org\/pi\/ses\/resources\/publications\/children-families\">low socioeconomic status affects children\u2019s mental and physical health<\/a>, as well as increasing the risks of child abuse and neglect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-the-idealized-caregiver\"><strong>The Idealized Caregiver<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Hendrix and Hunt state that a big effect of childhood trauma is the idealized caregiver image. During childhood, your subconscious creates a blended image of all the people responsible for your care\u2014parents, grandparents, foster parents, older siblings, and so on. The authors call this imaginary gestalt \u201cthe Imago.\u201d Your own Imago is an idealized image that closely resembles the people who raised you, with all their positive and negative traits, while also making up for your repressed desires and feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Hendrix and Hunt suggest that whether we know it or not, <strong>this parental image is the template we use when evaluating potential romantic partners<\/strong>\u2014and the more closely a potential mate matches your unconscious parental image, the more you feel attracted to them. While we may think we know why we find certain people attractive, this process is entirely unconscious and can take place very quickly.&nbsp;If two people match each other\u2019s parental image, the mutual attraction can be irresistible. In the case of close \u201cperfect partner\u201d matches, love at first sight can be very real.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What are the effects of childhood trauma on your adult life? How does childhood trauma affect romantic relationships? In Getting the Love You Want, therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that your unconscious mind chooses a mate who will help you resolve the wounded parts of your childhood. When your partner fails to meet your unconscious expectations, your relationship falls apart. Check out how your childhood affects your adult relationships below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":32722,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9,12],"tags":[685],"class_list":["post-72333","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-getting-the-love-you-want","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>3 Effects of Childhood Trauma That Affect Relationships - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The effects of childhood trauma can force you to project your frustrations on to your romantic partner. 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