{"id":71584,"date":"2022-07-10T11:37:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-10T15:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=71584"},"modified":"2022-07-19T09:24:09","modified_gmt":"2022-07-19T13:24:09","slug":"people-pleasing-psychology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/","title":{"rendered":"People-Pleasing: The Psychology of Prioritizing Others"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What&#8217;s the problem with people-pleasing? How does trying to make others happy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sabotage-your-own-happiness\/\">sabotage your own happiness<\/a>? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People-pleasers go to great lengths to make other people happy and to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-avoid-conflict-in-relationships\/\">avoid conflict<\/a> and confrontation. If you make other people&#8217;s happiness your main priority, it&#8217;s very hard to be comfortable and happy with yourself because it compels you to second-guess everything you do and to negatively judge yourself whenever you get unwanted feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn about the psychology of people-pleasing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-people-pleasing-eats-away-at-your-happiness\">How People Pleasing Eats Away at Your Happiness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In her book <em>101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think<\/em>, Brianna Wiest explores the psychology of people-pleasing. She argues that attempting to please or impress others never makes you feel truly happy for two reasons: First, different people want different things, so it\u2019s impossible for you to please everyone. Second, you can never really know what people think about you\u2014the best you can do is make a guess and hope that you\u2019ll manage to elicit the feedback you crave.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Inevitably then, you often fail to receive the feedback you want. And, each time you fail, you assume that it\u2019s because you\u2019re <em>inadequate<\/em> in some way\u2014if <em>other people<\/em> don\u2019t feel you deserve their positive feedback, then <em>you<\/em> won\u2019t believe you<em> <\/em>deserve it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You then strive to resolve this by attempting to fix what\u2019s \u201cwrong\u201d with you\u2014hoping that this fix will invite positive feedback. The following example demonstrates how this plays out:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your lover won\u2019t commit to you. You assume that he doesn\u2019t think you\u2019re worth committing to, and not worthy of love. You try to figure out <em>why<\/em> he doesn\u2019t think you\u2019re worthy of love: Because you\u2019re too needy? Or maybe it\u2019s because you\u2019re too fat? In the next relationship, you\u2019ll try to make your partner believe that you\u2019re worthy of love by acting more aloof and going on a strict diet. You think this will make him want to commit to you\u2014and prove (to you) that you are worthy of love and that you do deserve to be happy.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-how-seeking-external-validation-affects-self-judgment-and-behavior\"><strong>How Seeking External Validation Affects Self-Judgment and Behavior<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Research in the area of authenticity confirms Wiest\u2019s claim that many people base their self-judgment and happiness on how they think others perceive them. And psychologists agree that acting <em>inauthentically<\/em>\u2014projecting an image that conforms to what you <em>think<\/em> others want from you\u2014makes you feel inadequate and unhappy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Further, the research concludes that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.bustle.com\/p\/15-little-signs-you-arent-being-fully-authentic-every-day-73784\">feelings of discomfort and inauthentic behavior go hand-in-hand<\/a>. Consequently, you can figure out if you base your happiness on others\u2019 opinions of you by considering how often you feel:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Embarrassed by things you\u2019ve done or said<\/li><li>Awkward and self-conscious in daily interactions<\/li><li>Resentful and misunderstood<\/li><li>Afraid of what others think of you<\/li><li>Rejected and unheard<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"h-these-feelings-both-reflect-and-encourage-inauthentic-behavior-and-feelings-of-unhappiness-for-example-sometimes-shy-people-come-across-as-loud-and-overbearing-this-is-because-their-discomfort-around-others-leads-them-to-overact-to-compensate-for-their-shyness-as-a-result-they-find-themselves-projecting-a-false-gregarious-persona-to-mask-their-shyness-this-leads-them-to-question-whether-people-like-them-for-who-they-are-or-for-the-act-they-put-on-as-a-result-they-feel-more-uncomfortable-about-interacting-with-others-and-this-compels-them-to-continue-projecting-an-altered-image-of-themselves\"><strong>These feelings both reflect <\/strong><strong><em>and<\/em><\/strong><strong> encourage <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/inauthentic-behavior\/\">inauthentic behavior<\/a> and feelings of unhappiness. <\/strong>For example, sometimes shy people come across as loud and overbearing. This is because their discomfort around others leads them to <em>overact<\/em> to compensate for their shyness. As a result, they find themselves projecting a (false) gregarious persona to mask their shyness. This leads them to question whether people like them for who they are or for the act they put on. As a result, they feel <em>more<\/em> uncomfortable about interacting with others and this compels them to continue projecting an altered image of themselves.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s the problem with people-pleasing? How does trying to make others happy sabotage your own happiness? People-pleasers go to great lengths to make other people happy and to avoid conflict and confrontation. If you make other people&#8217;s happiness your main priority, it&#8217;s very hard to be comfortable and happy with yourself because it compels you to second-guess everything you do and to negatively judge yourself whenever you get unwanted feedback. Keep reading to learn about the psychology of people-pleasing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":69828,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[676],"class_list":["post-71584","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-101-essays-that-will-change-the-way-you-think","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>People-Pleasing: The Psychology of Prioritizing Others - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"People-pleasers will go to great lengths to make other people happy. Brianna Wiest explores the psychology of people-pleasing. 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Learn more.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-07-10T15:37:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-07-19T13:24:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/three-people-talking-and-smiling.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1200\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"630\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"People-Pleasing: The Psychology of Prioritizing Others\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-07-10T15:37:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-07-19T13:24:09+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/\"},\"wordCount\":585,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/three-people-talking-and-smiling.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/\",\"name\":\"People-Pleasing: The Psychology of Prioritizing Others - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/people-pleasing-psychology\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/three-people-talking-and-smiling.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-07-10T15:37:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-07-19T13:24:09+00:00\",\"description\":\"People-pleasers will go to great lengths to make other people happy. 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