{"id":71583,"date":"2022-07-06T17:46:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-06T21:46:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=71583"},"modified":"2022-07-19T09:24:18","modified_gmt":"2022-07-19T13:24:18","slug":"seeking-validation-from-others-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation-from-others-3\/","title":{"rendered":"Seeking Validation From Others: Why It’s a Problem"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you tend to get upset when people don’t acknowledge or validate you? Do you often try to make other people happy at the expense of your own happiness?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When your sense of self-worth<\/a> depends solely on the positive feedback you receive from others, you become dependent on external validation. Inevitably, you often fail to receive the feedback you want. And, each time you fail, you assume that it\u2019s because you\u2019re inadequate in some way\u2014if other people don\u2019t feel you deserve their positive feedback, then you won\u2019t believe you deserve it.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how seeking validation from others<\/a> impacts your self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

You Rely on External Validation to Feel Happy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In addition to influencing how you think about the world, social conditioning also influences the way you think and feel about yourself. According to Wiest, your feelings of comfort and happiness are so inextricably linked to how other people react to you that you feel compelled to think about yourself according to how you <\/strong>imagine<\/em><\/strong> other people perceive you<\/strong>. She explains it as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. You subconsciously assume that your happiness depends on how other people react to you: When you get positive feedback, you evaluate yourself positively and this makes you happy. When you get negative feedback, you evaluate yourself negatively and this makes you unhappy.<\/li>
  2. You only evaluate yourself positively when you believe that others think you deserve<\/em> positive feedback and reward you accordingly. For example, if your teacher gives you a red cross, you don\u2019t evaluate yourself positively and don\u2019t feel happy, because your teacher thought you didn\u2019t deserve a gold star. On the other hand, receiving a gold star makes you feel happy because it proves that your teacher is pleased with you.<\/li>
  3. Because you want to be happy, you manipulate the way you project yourself to invite more positive feedback. This involves making yourself appear more pleasing or impressive\u2014for example, by suppressing supposedly unappealing parts of your personality or chasing status goals to appear more accomplished. <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    External Validation and Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    While it\u2019s clear that seeking validation from others<\/a> impacts your self-esteem, research on self-identity indicates that the feedback you receive from others is just one of four interrelated components that inform the way you think about yourself<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n