{"id":70927,"date":"2022-06-28T12:09:00","date_gmt":"2022-06-28T16:09:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=70927"},"modified":"2022-07-20T08:18:40","modified_gmt":"2022-07-20T12:18:40","slug":"embrace-your-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/embrace-your-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Embrace Your Emotions\u2014Don’t Let Society Numb You"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Does society suppress your true self<\/a>? How can you learn to embrace your emotions<\/a> fully? Does embracing your emotions really improve your life?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Author Glennon Doyle realized that she could use painful emotions to grow and evolve\u2014to become truly alive. Doyle defines being \u201calive\u201d as constantly evolving into a more authentic and fully-formed version of yourself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to find out how to embrace your emotions and why Doyle believes you must embrace your feelings fully to live a truly satisfying life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Introduction to Embracing Your Emotions <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

According to Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed<\/em>, acknowledging your captivity in society is the first step to opening yourself up to freedom\u2014in this guide, we’ll explore embracing your emotion<\/strong>s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While embracing your emotions can be an access point for freedom, it\u2019s important to note that too much<\/em> focus on your emotions can be oppressive because it can cause you to become self-absorbed<\/a>. Self-absorption can trap you in an echo chamber where you believe that only your thoughts and ideas matter. This mindset prevents you from being empathetic toward others and makes you needy and demanding in personal relationships<\/a>. It\u2019s important to be self-aware and self-critical as you explore your emotions to keep it a largely positive experience.<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doyle asserts that you are taught by society not to embrace your emotions, to avoid feeling and pain at all costs<\/strong>. Numbing yourself keeps you in captivity, but you can evolve and challenge the status quo<\/a> when you break free of this conditioning. Embracing emotion is thus a pathway to breaking free and living a more engaged and purposeful life<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: You might be surprised by Doyle\u2019s claim that society teaches women to suppress their emotions because there\u2019s a cultural perception that women have more freedom than men to express their feelings. However, Doyle\u2019s argument emphasizes that women are often limited to expressing socially acceptable<\/em> emotions such as happiness, kindness, or concern, while suppressing their darker, more complex emotions<\/a>.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This guide will explore Doyle\u2019s experiences with addiction, rehab, and sobriety\u2014and how they taught her the critical link between embracing emotion and fully living. We\u2019ll then discuss how embracing your emotions makes you more powerful by developing your sense of empathy so that you can help your community and the world. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rejecting and Controlling Emotions<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Doyle’s captivity started as a young girl. She, like most women, grew up being told the \u201cright\u201d way to be. In this section, we’ll explore the messages she received and how those messages altered the course of her life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Received Messages About Emotion<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As a child, Doyle was very emotional. All of her feelings were at surface level, and she was very comfortable and in tune with all of her emotions, good and bad.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Doyle entered young adulthood, she received the message that strong emotions were undesirable.<\/strong> She learned from society that she was supposed to be agreeable and well-behaved. Based on these received messages, she concluded that she needed to repress her strong emotions\u2014so as not to irritate or displease the people around her and to fit in with society\u2019s expectations of her. (Shortform note: While Doyle notes that she hid her emotions so as not to be a burden to the people in her life, you may not relate to this reasoning. However, with some reflection, you may find that you hide your strong emotions for reasons she doesn\u2019t touch on. For example, you may not want to show vulnerability<\/a>, or you may always want to present yourself positively.<\/a>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because she wanted to conform and be accepted, Doyle felt that she had to repress her emotions. She felt she must constantly put up a false front to accommodate those around her and follow the directives of society. Maintaining a false front caused her to become anxious and isolated from friends and family and made it impossible for her to be happy. Unfortunately, since she had also received the social message that she was always supposed to be happy, this inability to be happy made her even worse\u2014like a failure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why Suppressing Your Authentic Self Causes Pain<\/strong>

Doyle says that she was so interested in being pleasing and agreeable that she suppressed her true emotions and identity\u2014which she found to be a painful and isolating experience. Shame and vulnerability expert Bren\u00e9 Brown explains why suppressing your identity is so painful in Braving the Wilderness<\/em><\/a>. <\/em>

Brown has found that trying to be pleasing and agreeable can actually be a barrier to feeling accepted because it forces you to hide your true, authentic self for fear of being rejected for who you really are<\/a>. The anticipation of this rejection causes you to feel isolated and fearful\u2014this is the pain of suppressing your identity. 

To combat this experience of isolation and pain, Brown recommends you show people who you are<\/a>: Commit to being vulnerable<\/a> with others and expressing your true feelings and beliefs. When you do this, the people you interact with will often respond positively, and you can feel accepted and connected rather than isolated. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Coping With Emotion Through Addiction <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Unable to express her emotions or cope with the heartache, pain, anxiety, and depression she experienced as a young woman, Doyle self-medicated with food, drugs, and alcohol.<\/strong> These behaviors destroyed her life and relationships, but she thought she was victorious because she had successfully numbed herself to all feelings, especially pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further-Reaching Effects of Numbing Your Emotions<\/strong>

In attempting to numb her negative emotions, Doyle numbed all<\/em> of her emotions\u2014which likely made her ability to cope with negative emotions even worse. In The Gifts of Imperfection<\/em><\/a>, Bren\u00e9 Brown explains why numbing your negative emotions often can backfire in this way. 

Brown says that your ability to recall positive experiences helps you build resilience<\/em>\u2014you can get through negative situations by remembering that they won\u2019t last, and you can have happy times. However, when you numb all<\/em> your emotions to avoid the negative ones, you block yourself from experiencing positive emotions\u2014limiting your ability to draw on positive emotional experiences in times of crisis.<\/a> <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Embracing Your Emotions: Lessons From Sobriety<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Doyle decided to enter rehab in her mid-twenties when she became unexpectedly pregnant with her first child. Doyle knew she loved her unborn baby and wanted to be the mother that her son deserved\u2014this led her to begin her path to recovery, and she entered a drug and alcohol rehabilitation program.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doyle thought her addiction was her problem\u2014but in the program, she learned that the real<\/em> problem was how she was unsuccessfully coping with her difficult emotions<\/a> and mental health issues. Her addictions were simply avoidance techniques that numbed the pain.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overcoming Avoidance Behaviors<\/strong>

Avoidance is a common method for coping with difficult emotions or situations, but it ultimately increases anxiety, as you may know from experience. When you avoid negative emotions for an extended period, they become unmanageable because you haven\u2019t developed the skills to deal with them. Learn to tolerate negative thoughts and feelings by finding ways to diffuse triggering emotions and situations. <\/a>

It can also be helpful to examine your emotions in a professional therapy setting where you can identify your negative coping behaviors and create personalized goals. Forms of therapy that can be helpful for those struggling with anxiety include cognitive behavioral therapy<\/a>, family therapy<\/a>, and acceptance and commitment therapy.<\/a> <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Embracing Emotion and Surviving<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Doyle’s determination to feel it all without fear was crucial for her recovery. As she became sober, she felt all of her emotions without anything to numb the pain, but she realized that feeling these emotions did not destroy her. (Shortform note: In giving up her coping mechanisms, Doyle was able to clearly see her resilience\u2014a common, and uplifting, experience for people in addiction recovery. In <\/em>We Are The Luckiest<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Laura McKowen writes that she feels lucky<\/em> to have struggled with addiction because recovery allowed her to know what she was capable of.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman Doyle met at her AA group encouraged her and helped her realize that it\u2019s not wrong to experience painful emotions; happiness is not the goal of life<\/a>.<\/strong> Rather, embracing your emotions fully should be your objective. The realization that she should<\/em> feel negative emotions was a revelation for Doyle: It contradicted long-held beliefs that she was always<\/em> supposed to feel happy and that feeling negative emotions meant something was wrong with her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Falling Into the Happiness Trap<\/strong>

Like Doyle, you may feel weighed down by the expectation that you are always supposed to feel happy. Research suggests that there\u2019s a reason that you feel burdened by this expectation\u2014you\u2019re not wired<\/em> to feel happy all the time<\/strong>. 

In The Happiness Trap<\/em><\/a>, Russ Harris explains that humans are actually wired for survival<\/em>\u2014detecting and avoiding threats, prioritizing group acceptance, and constantly seeking to improve their circumstances. Happiness is not our natural state.<\/strong><\/a> <\/strong>When you try to be happy<\/a> all the time, you engage in a constant fight against your evolutionary inclinations. The futility of this endeavor creates a \u201chappiness trap\u201d: Your quest for happiness makes you more <\/em>unhappy in the long term.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Embracing Emotion and Growing<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

By avoiding pain, Doyle had stopped progressing and had limited her potential. She became stronger when she faced these painful emotions and didn’t look away. She realized that she could use painful emotions to grow and evolve\u2014to become truly alive.<\/strong> Doyle defines being \u201calive\u201d as constantly evolving into a more authentic and fully-formed version of yourself. She believes your emotions will provide all the instructions you need to guide you on your journey\u2014<\/strong>and the most challenging emotions are often the most instructive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Doyle\u2019s post-rehab growth is a common experience\u2014many people experience positive<\/em> psychological change, which experts call Post-Traumatic Growth<\/a>, after a hardship or trauma. This phenomenon occurs because enduring a life-altering event can suddenly force you to consider your relationships, who you are, and your place in the world<\/a>.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Doyle names three instructive difficult emotions: <\/p>\n\n\n\n