{"id":709,"date":"2019-07-31T09:12:52","date_gmt":"2019-07-31T13:12:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=709"},"modified":"2021-10-10T08:29:06","modified_gmt":"2021-10-10T12:29:06","slug":"eckhart-tolle-relationships-how-to-be-present","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-relationships-how-to-be-present\/","title":{"rendered":"Eckhart Tolle on Relationships: How to Truly Connect to Others"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Want to build stronger relationships with your spouse, partner, and loved ones? How does being present <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-improve-your-relationships-2\/\">improve your relationships<\/a>? Here we&#8217;ll discuss <strong>Eckhart Tolle&#8217;s best advice on relationships<\/strong>, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-more-present\/\">how to be present<\/a> in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-live-in-the-present-moment\/\">Being present<\/a> impacts your inner state first and foremost. That affects your behavior and, inevitably, how you interact with people around you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<p>According to Eckhart Tolle,<strong> if you are acting on your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-teachings-ego-power-of-now\/\">ego\u2019s influence<\/a> \u2014 largely based on fear and the impulses of your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-pain-body\/\">pain-body<\/a> \u2014 you are not reacting to the world as it actually is, but rather to your ego\u2019s perception of it.<\/strong> When you are present and connected with your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-find-your-true-self\/\">true self<\/a>, you can be free of these influences and react genuinely to a clear-eyed view of the world and people around you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Both Partners Must Be Present For a True Love Relationship<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Without presence, a romantic relationship will fall victim to a love\/hate cycle because true love can only be felt through presence. The ego will make you misconstrue actions and situations and cause you to be reactionary, eventually poisoning the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Don\u2019t Require the Other for Happiness<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>This is a counterintuitive piece of advice from Eckhart Tolle &#8211; relationships are built on requiring each other, aren&#8217;t they?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But<strong> if you look to your partner to complete you or make you happy, you are placing your fulfillment on an external factor, which will never lead you to true peace and happiness.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are a few reasons love can fail.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Using love as a substitute in this way can be viewed the same way as using food, drugs, shopping, and anything else that brings temporary satisfaction in an effort to mask deeper feelings of pain and dissatisfaction.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>When these substitutes fail you \u2014 whether the love fades, the drugs run out, or the gambling losses catch up with you \u2014 the pain is worse than before.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Your partner will eventually make a mistake or do something that fails to meet your (ego\u2019s) expectations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Since your partner has inevitably failed to make you whole, this will trigger the ego\u2019s fear that, once again, you are supposedly incomplete.&nbsp;<\/li><li>The feelings of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/benefits-of-fear\/\">fear and pain<\/a> will bring you out of your previous state of bliss and into the darker end of the cycle.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-ego\/\">Your ego<\/a> will blame your partner\u2019s failure for the pain, and your pain-body will cause you to attack her.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your attack may trigger your partner\u2019s own pain-body to attack you in return, creating a vicious cycle.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Be Present In Your Relationship<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The only route for happiness, even in a relationship, is to be present yourself. We\u2019ll discuss how to do this in the next section.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>To foster true love, you must be <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-pain-body\/\">present and aware of your pain-body.<\/a><\/strong> If you know your pain-body and its triggers and tendencies, you are in a better position to resist them and prevent the vicious cycle of attacks and counter-attacks between your and your partner\u2019s pain-bodies.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>The pain-body is responsible for picking fights and creating conflict and drama in relationships.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s important for both partners to be present in a relationship. If only one partner in the relationship is present, there are a few options on how to deal with this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>She can get sucked into her partner\u2019s ego and become not present herself.&nbsp;<ul><li>According to Eckhart Tolle, relationships require a lot of give and take. The intimate and constant back-and-forth exchange makes it especially difficult to maintain presence if your partner consistently responds with her ego.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li>The partner can become present and they can share a true love.&nbsp;<ul><li>Both partners must first be present and feel love within themselves through their true Beings. Only then can they share true love with each other.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li>They can part ways.&nbsp;<ul><li>It is not sustainable for an intimate relationship to last long-term if only one partner is present. It is actually difficult for the ego-controlled partner to be around the present partner: The ego tries to create conflict, and if the other partner is constantly resisting engaging with the ego and its drama, it is irritating to the ego.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Eckhart Tolle,<strong> avoiding relationships is not the answer to avoiding pain.<\/strong> In fact, relationship conflicts are more likely to push you to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-self-reflect\/\">self-reflection<\/a> and inner growth than isolation will.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Even if you keep to yourself, your ego will create its own conflicts through feelings of self-pity, guilt, or anxiety.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Whether or not you are enlightened, it is natural to feel a pull toward wanting a partner to create completeness.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How To Stay Present in Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>How do you maintain presence in a relationship? It\u2019s one thing to be present with yourself, but a relationship brings another person (and her ego) into the dynamic and requires a lot of give and take.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Be Present in Relationship <strong>Step 1: Acceptance<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>First, stop judging yourself.<\/strong> Accept yourself and the present.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Remember that love exists within you. You do not need your partner or your relationship to access true love<\/strong>, so you don\u2019t need to cling to either. Accept her and accept the relationship as it unfolds naturally, knowing that your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/happiness-and-love\/\">love and happiness<\/a> don\u2019t need to be tethered to every up and down you experience with your partner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Second, stop judging your partner.<\/strong> Accept her fully, without the temptation to judge or changer her in any way.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When your partner acts on her ego, do not judge or react; <strong>judgment means you are confusing her action with who she is, or that you are projecting your own ego onto her.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you get into an argument or conflict with someone, observe your defensiveness when being attacked, as well as the aggression in your counterattack (if you do so). Notice your attachment to your views or opinions, your need to be right and prove the other person wrong. <strong>Recognize that your ego is fueling your reaction<\/strong>; acknowledging this will help to dissolve it. With practice, you will realize in future arguments that you have a choice not to react.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>It is impossible to have an argument with a present person, because she does not have an egoic attachment to her opinion and mental position, nor will she resist or react to the other person\u2019s opinion. She can make her point without being defense, reactive, or attacking the other person.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Acceptance of both yourself and your partner dissolves mind games, clinging, and the inclination to create a victim and perpetrator in the relationship.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>This will also cease codependency, which involves one partner getting caught in and enabling the other\u2019s ego behaviors.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Be Present in Relationship <strong>Step 2: Communication<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Express your feelings to your partner without blame.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>First, try to express your feelings as soon as they come up, so that they don\u2019t have time to fester.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Second, you must be present and disconnected from your ego and pain-body. Acknowledge and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-observation\/\">observe your feelings<\/a> from a position of not identifying with them; otherwise, you are more likely to be reactive and lash out at your partner.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Be careful to avoid accusing, defending, or attacking.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Learn to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-listen-to-your-partner\/\">listen to your partner<\/a> openly and without getting defensive.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Give your partner the space and respect to express herself freely.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Leave Bad Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>If you are dealing with an ego-controlled person who is manipulating you, walk away from the situation rather than allowing it to threaten your presence. <strong>Do not stay in situations that engage and inflame your egoic responses. It is your responsibility to have enough self-awareness to maintain your presence<\/strong>; blaming someone else for breaking your connection with your true self is, in itself, an act of the ego.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you say \u201cno\u201d and remove yourself from a situation, do not do so in a way that is reactive and negative. Say \u201cno\u201d and choose to walk away from a place of calm&nbsp; and clear insight that the situation is not in your best interest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>True Compassion Comes Only Through Presence<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>According to Eckhart Tolle, you can only truly see and connect with other people through being present.<\/strong> When you are not present, you will make judgments of other people and confuse their words and behaviors with who they are. This creates a dynamic in which your ego is only seeing and responding to other egos, not their true selves. When you are present, you will be able to recognize that what you see is only a screen (the ego), behind which lies the person\u2019s true Being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The nature of the ego will often cause you to then perceive relationships as potential threats \u2014 not necessarily to your safety, but to your sense of supposed identity. <strong>Compassion entails seeing that there is a connection between yourself and all living things.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example: Instead of recognizing and appreciating a coworker\u2019s strengths, your ego may see her as competition for the praise you receive as a talented employee and for the promotion you\u2019re hoping to get.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>From your ego\u2019s perspective, your body and superficial associations (e.g. religion, nationality, profession, and other aspects of your ego-created identity) all attest to how different and unique you are from others. <strong>But when you are present and understand that your true Being is deeper than your ego-created identity, you can recognize the life energy inside not only yourself but also in all living things.<\/strong>&nbsp;You can build true relationships with people, the Eckhart Tolle way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s important to also recognize that the physical bodies of all living things will inevitably die and rot. All thoughts will die with the body, but your divine presence and energy will remain. The same is true of every other living creature.&nbsp;This is how you form relationships with every living thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>The book insists that nothing real ever dies. Knowing this, and accepting the certain death of your body (your physical form) and your ego (an illusion) helps to clarify what and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-your-true-self\/\">who you really are<\/a>.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>The mind can know facts and information, but it cannot understand things or people on a deeper level. <strong>The mind is useful for practical purposes in day-to-day life. Presence, on the other hand, is what helps you connect with people and nature<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>For example, someone can know things about you on paper \u2014 facts and stats and even personal statements from you \u2014 but she will not truly know you until meeting and connecting with you. She will not know your mannerisms, the nuances of your character, or other aspects that make you you.<\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Want to build stronger relationships with your spouse, partner, and loved ones? How does being present improve your relationships? Here we&#8217;ll discuss Eckhart Tolle&#8217;s best advice on relationships, and how to be present in a relationship. Being present impacts your inner state first and foremost. That affects your behavior and, inevitably, how you interact with people around you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":150,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12,6],"tags":[4],"class_list":["post-709","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","category-spiritual","tag-power-of-now","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Eckhart Tolle on Relationships: How to Truly Connect to Others - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Want to improve your relationship? Eckhart Tolle gives his best advice on stronger relationships in The Power of Now. How to be present in a relationship.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/eckhart-tolle-relationships-how-to-be-present\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Eckhart Tolle on Relationships: How to Truly Connect to Others\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Want to improve your relationship? Eckhart Tolle gives his best advice on stronger relationships in The Power of Now. 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