{"id":68676,"date":"2022-06-14T14:03:52","date_gmt":"2022-06-14T18:03:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=68676"},"modified":"2022-06-24T12:29:32","modified_gmt":"2022-06-24T16:29:32","slug":"developing-emotional-competence","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/developing-emotional-competence\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Tips for Developing Emotional Competence"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why is emotional competence so important? How can emotional competence help mitigate the effects of stress?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Dr. Gabor Mat\u00e9, the author of When the Body Says No, <\/em>chronic stress<\/a> can lead to a number of physical ailments. It has even been linked to cancer. He explains that developing emotional competence is the key to counteracting the negative effects of chronic stress<\/a> on the body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how to develop emotional competence to keep your mind and body healthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

1. Avoid Toxic Positivity <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The first piece of advice Mat\u00e9 offers for developing emotional competence and counteracting the effects of chronic stress on our bodies is to reject the common overemphasis on \u201cpositive thinking.\u201d He says this approach to dealing with negative emotions<\/a> only makes people repress them. Mat\u00e9 says healthy thinking includes acknowledging all of our genuine feelings<\/strong>. Focusing on only the positive and denying the negative is a defense mechanism developed by those who are hurt. But it doesn\u2019t fix it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his suggestion to embrace \u201cthe power of negative thinking,\u201d Mat\u00e9 doesn\u2019t mean to dwell; he means be willing to look at what\u2019s wrong. Pay attention to the \u201cnegative\u201d signals your body is giving you. Have the courage to ask, \u201cWhat is my body saying no<\/a> to?\u201d instead of deploying your coping mechanism to avoid the pain. Mat\u00e9 says that when you avoid what\u2019s \u201cwrong\u201d and focus only on what\u2019s \u201cright,\u201d you\u2019re being controlled by others. You\u2019re not an autonomous being when you live to please others, when you\u2019re acting out a role based on expectations, and when you never say \u201cno.\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be clear, Mat\u00e9 affirms that genuine <\/em>positive feelings do<\/em> contribute to health\u2014love, joy, and happiness increase our well-being. The problem is the insincere positive feelings people use to cover up negative feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Positive Psychology<\/a> and Toxic Positivity<\/strong>

Mat\u00e9\u2019s use of the phrase \u201cthe power of negative thinking\u201d is likely a reference to the classic self-help book The Power of Positive Thinking<\/em><\/a>. While this book does have some helpful suggestions for calming down your negative reactions to situations, it puts a heavy emphasis on ridding yourself of negative emotions by \u201cdeciding\u201d to be happy. This could be considered an unhealthy denial of negative emotions. 

\u201cToxic positivity\u201d is the overemphasis on a positive attitude to the point where it invalidates any<\/em> negative emotion. While the field of positive psychology is centered on approaches to mental health involving an emphasis on cultivating optimism, psychologists in the field make a clear distinction between that and a \u201ctoxic\u201d approach. Positive psychology encourages finding contentment through exploring what makes you feel fulfilled in life, while a \u201ctoxic\u201d approach to positivity involves encouraging and offering positivity in any and all situations; including situations in which it\u2019s insincere and unhelpful. Positive psychologists say offering positivity in inappropriate situations devalues others\u2019 emotions, and shows a lack of empathy<\/a>. 

To generate genuine<\/em> positive feelings, try some of the following techniques suggested by positive psychologists<\/a>: 

– Practice gratitude<\/a>: Try writing in a gratitude journal daily, or expressing gratitude to others around you each day.
– Do random acts of kindness: Psychology research shows that doing kind things for others gives you a boost of happiness.
– Write a happy life story for yourself: Envision the future you<\/a> would like and actually write it out, envisioning it as if it were true.
– Practice mindfulness: Self-love and mindfulness meditation<\/a> has been shown to increase confidence, self-esteem, and contentment.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

2. Listen to Your Body <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Becoming aware of all of your true feelings means learning to trust your gut<\/a> and recognize the signs of stress in your body. Mat\u00e9 says that you should start tuning in more consciously to what your body is telling you.<\/strong> Some signals of underlying stress include: rapid heartbeat, frequent urination, excessive sweating, digestive issues, and unexplained pain such as frequent back pain or headaches. He also says to watch for emotional and behavioral signals, such as: depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, hypersensitivity, over-reactivity, and impulsivity. If you recognize these signs, see them as messages from your body, meant to make you aware of an underlying issue. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: According to The Body Keeps the Score<\/em><\/a>, yoga can help you get in tune with your body\u2019s signals and strengthen areas of the brain<\/a> that help you stay calm. By focusing on the breath and body, and slowing down into a contemplative practice, yoga can help you attune to the messages your body might be sending you<\/a>. Not only do you become more consciously aware of the physical sensations in your body, you can become more aware of the emotions that are associated with them.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 encourages you to get in touch with your repressed anger and explore what it means. Anger is toward<\/em> something\u2014some perceived threat. Identify what that is, and then allow yourself to feel the anger, to sit with it, and contemplate it until it dissipates, and\/or you can get help with it through therapy. (Shortform note: If you need help processing feelings<\/a> of anger, the Headspace app<\/a> offers anger meditations and a 10-day \u201ctransforming anger\u201d program.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Be Your Authentic Self <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 emphasizes authentic living<\/a>.  Reflect honestly on the relationships in your life. Take off the \u201crose colored glasses\u201d and ask where your own needs haven\u2019t been met, where you\u2019ve put aside your needs for others, or suppressed your feelings and felt unsupported and unseen. Do so with compassion, recognizing that others are just acting from their own conditioning. Refrain from blame. What matters, Mat\u00e9 says, is your<\/em> responsibility for yourself<\/em> to change things going forward. So, he suggests you ask yourself whether you\u2019ve lived your life according to who you truly are<\/a>, or if you\u2019re trying to live up to others\u2019 expectations.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find Your Worth<\/strong>

In The Gifts of Imperfection<\/em><\/a>, Bren\u00e9 Brown offers advice for accepting yourself<\/a> for exactly who you are, rather than trying to please others by being someone else. She says this involves finding your sense of worthiness<\/a>, by:

– Accepting yourself unconditionally, exactly as you are, flaws and all
– Rejecting the idea that you need to fit into any societal standards
– Recognizing that your self-worth is not dependent on others\u2019 approval. It\u2019s in who you are, not what you do.
– Believing that you deserve love and acceptance
– Tackling your feelings of shame<\/a>, as those are antithetical to self-worth<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 says to watch for <\/em><\/strong>guilt<\/em>\u2014guilt is often a sign that you\u2019re doing something for yourself instead of others. <\/strong>If you recognize this, learn to embrace the guilt and use it as a signal that you\u2019re actually doing something right. If saying \u201cno\u201d to something makes you feel guilty, but saying yes causes resentment, Mat\u00e9 says you should always choose the guilt. The resentment will be much more damaging. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: If you feel guilty about setting boundaries, it\u2019s possible what you\u2019re really feeling is discomfort <\/em>because it\u2019s not something you\u2019re used to doing. To accustom yourself to setting boundaries, begin by setting ones that only you have to honor<\/a>, such as restricting your access to social media or junk food. Starting with saying \u201cno\u201d to yourself will ease you into being able to set boundaries<\/a> and stick to them.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Connect With Others <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Mat\u00e9 says we all need to develop healthy support networks. Copious research shows that lonely, disconnected people are at greater risk for illness, while social support alleviates stress and decreases risk of disease. So seek out stronger social support networks. Reach out and make connections. Especially if you\u2019re suffering, find others to connect and form emotional attachments with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lost Connections<\/strong>

In Lost Connections<\/em><\/a> Johann Hari takes a deep dive into the social causes of anxiety and depression<\/a>. He argues that the lack of meaningful connections due to lifestyles in modern society are major drivers of mental health disorders, and therefore, our medical model of psychiatric care is insufficient for treating the problem at its root. His solutions mostly focus on large-scale systemic social changes, but he also suggests that on an individual level, it\u2019s important to recognize that making online connections isn\u2019t enough<\/a>. 

Modern humans tend to think we\u2019re more connected than ever because of our online networks and constant interactions, but despite this, levels of anxiety and depression and loneliness are higher than ever. This clearly indicates that we need to actually get out and talk to people, face to face, as our evolutionary urge to be in connection with others depends on that physical presence.  <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

5. Tend to Your Spirit <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Finally, Mat\u00e9 offers advice for tending to not just your mind and body but your spirit. He says this means connecting with something beyond yourself, and he suggests two major avenues for this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n