{"id":67379,"date":"2022-05-31T14:34:48","date_gmt":"2022-05-31T18:34:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=67379"},"modified":"2022-06-08T11:11:46","modified_gmt":"2022-06-08T15:11:46","slug":"toxic-family-dynamics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/toxic-family-dynamics\/","title":{"rendered":"The 4 Types of Toxic Family Dynamics"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you fight with your family all the time? Are we all traumatized in childhood, just to different degrees?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you suffer from persistent anxiety, depression, or illness, you might be playing out trauma from your family\u2019s past. According to trauma expert Mark Wolynn, there are four types of toxic family dynamics that can disrupt your ability to process and address childhood trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s look at the four toxic family dynamics that form the backdrop of people\u2019s suffering.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-toxic-family-dynamics-that-interfere-with-happiness\">Toxic Family Dynamics That Interfere With Happiness<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Toxic family dynamics can initiate or continue a cycle of suffering in our families, according to Wolynn. Three of these relationship dynamics involve our parents, who play the most important role in our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/ability-to-adapt\/\">ability to adapt<\/a>, form <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">healthy relationships<\/a>, and thrive.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Wolynn acknowledges that there are no known factors that definitively <em>predict<\/em> how relationship dynamics affect us. Yet he notes that factors such as <strong>birth order and gender can influence our mental health outcomes<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-relationship-dynamic-1-unconsciously-taking-responsibility-for-and-repeating-a-parent-s-trauma\"><strong>Relationship Dynamic #1: Unconsciously Taking Responsibility for and Repeating a Parent\u2019s Trauma<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The first of four family dynamics that are toxic is when your parents project their own trauma onto you. Wolynn says it\u2019s common for us to internalize a parent\u2019s trauma when they do this. Here\u2019s an example: If your mom suffers from severe social anxiety while you are growing up, she may isolate herself. To alleviate her loneliness, you step in as her friend and confidant. Now, as an adult, you are repeating that dynamic with your son while still serving as caretaker for your mother. You resent your mother and feel guilty about imposing on your son.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-relationship-dynamic-2-renouncing-a-parent\"><strong>Relationsh<\/strong><strong>ip Dynamic #2: Renouncing a Parent<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Wolynn asserts that cutting ourselves off from parents who have caused us pain can give us the illusion of freedom, but doing so often blinds us to the ways we embody the very qualities in them we reject. Here\u2019s an example: You cut ties with your father because he had an affair that led to your parents\u2019 divorce. Now the unresolved pain and anger you directed at your father are surfacing in your life in unexpected ways\u2014and you find yourself exhibiting the same qualities you rejected in him. You refuse to consider marriage, you are aloof with your partner who you love deeply, and\u2014to your horror\u2014you find yourself tempted to cheat on him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Research supports Wolynn\u2019s assertion that parent-child relationship dynamics profoundly shape our lives, and that renouncing a parent can negatively impact your well-being. One study, for example, indicates that the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.scirp.org\/journal\/paperinformation.aspx?paperid=71262\">psychological distance between family members influences our mental health outcomes<\/a>. When relationships among mother, father, and children are all equal and close\u2014what researchers consider \u201cbalanced\u201d\u2014children are less prone to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/low-mood-and-anxiety\/\">anxiety and depression<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-relationship-dynamic-3-enduring-a-disrupted-bond-with-our-mother\"><strong>Relationship Dynamic #3: Enduring a Disrupted Bond With Our Mother<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>One toxic family dynamic may involve your mother\u2019s physical absence (due to work, illness, or travel, for example) or emotional unavailability (perhaps due to intense grief or mental illness). If this break happens while you are young, Wolynn asserts, it can have deep, lasting effects. You might unconsciously avoid getting close to anyone because that feels like a precursor to being hurt or abandoned again.<strong>&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: As Wolynn notes, disrupted parent-child relationships are common. Research shows that <a href=\"https:\/\/phys.org\/news\/2021-12-parental-negative-behaviors-emotions-range.html\">7% to 10% of people in the US have experienced parental rejection<\/a>. Although what qualifies as parental affection and support varies across cultures, children respond to parental rejection in similar ways regardless of the cultural context\u2014often through disobedience, bullying behaviors, and anxiety.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-relationship-dynamic-4-repeating-the-patterns-of-a-more-distant-relative\"><strong>Relationship Dynamic #4: Repeating the Patterns of a More Distant Relative<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Wolynn says we may unconsciously take on behaviors and qualities of family members other than our parents. Here\u2019s an example: You may unconsciously make choices that parallel a disgraced uncle who drank himself out of a high-paying job. You didn\u2019t get fired, but you quit your job without a clear plan, and now you spend your days drinking alone.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: It\u2019s unclear whether Wolynn believes that genetics play a role in this dynamic when it concerns a distant relative. While some studies indicate that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.science.org\/content\/article\/parents-emotional-trauma-may-change-their-children-s-biology-studies-mice-show-how\">trauma can change the expression of a person&#8217;s genes<\/a> and that those altered genes can be passed to the next generation, it\u2019s not clear whether and how we might inherit the trauma of a relative who&#8217;s not a direct ancestor.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Wolynn contends that until we unearth and resolve these toxic family dynamics, we will continue to feel unsettled<\/strong>\u2014and we will continue to unconsciously sabotage our freedom and happiness by projecting trauma from the past onto our current relationships.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you fight with your family all the time? Are we all traumatized in childhood, just to different degrees? If you suffer from persistent anxiety, depression, or illness, you might be playing out trauma from your family\u2019s past. According to trauma expert Mark Wolynn, there are four types of toxic family dynamics that can disrupt your ability to process and address childhood trauma. Let\u2019s look at the four toxic family dynamics that form the backdrop of people\u2019s suffering.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":5579,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[629],"class_list":["post-67379","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-it-didnt-start-with-you","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The 4 Types of Toxic Family Dynamics - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There are four types of toxic family dynamics that can disrupt your ability to process and address childhood trauma. Learn more.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/toxic-family-dynamics\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The 4 Types of Toxic Family Dynamics\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"There are four types of toxic family dynamics that can disrupt your ability to process and address childhood trauma. 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