What role does parenting play in children’s self-esteem? How can parents help their children develop healthy self-esteem? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
If parents fail to provide optimal conditions for the proper psychological development of their child, he or she could grow into an adult who is in an arrested stage of psychological development\u2014and whose self-esteem is<\/a> unhealthy. Of course, these children can still adopt behavior that nurtures their self-esteem, so parenting doesn\u2019t determine a child\u2019s self-esteem, but it can support or hamper it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are eight specific best practices for building self-esteem in children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Proper parenting should provide children with the skills and beliefs they need to behave in ways that generate self-esteem.<\/strong> Newborns are like blank slates who are on a journey to discover themselves\u2014in other words, to reach the final stage of psychological development, when they are autonomous adults with healthy self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the main ways to foster children\u2019s self-esteem is to make the child feel \u201cseen,\u201d or understood\u2014<\/strong>which is a common theme among the specific parenting behaviors Branden recommends. <\/strong>He explains that, since we can\u2019t know with certainty if our experiences of ourselves are objectively true, we look to others\u2019 reactions to us to determine how accurate they are. Children, who are still developing, do this with their parents: When their parents\u2019 reactions reflect what they experience and believe, they feel understood, which makes them feel that they are special and that they belong. But if the parents\u2019 reaction does not reflect what they believe, they feel misunderstood and \u201cinvisible,\u201d which harms their self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Parenting experts add that making your child feel understood has other benefits<\/a>: A child who feels understood is one who communicates his needs, remains motivated, and is more self-aware.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n Making a child feel seen doesn\u2019t involve agreeing with everything they do. You can still criticize them, but your reaction can\u2019t make the child\u2019s belief seem absurd. For example, don\u2019t provide overblown praise for an objectively mediocre achievement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: One psychologist notes that if your child\u2019s action reminds you of a traumatic experience, you may overreact<\/a> and criticize them more harshly than warranted. She recommends identifying your triggers, and if your child engages in them, take a moment to collect yourself so that you don\u2019t overreact.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n But what are the specific<\/em> behaviors parents should perform to help their children generate self-esteem? Branden gives a few suggestions for building self-esteem in children: <\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Parents should provide an environment where their child feels safe\u2014<\/strong>both physically, with proper food and shelter, and emotionally. In part, this involves creating a predictable <\/em>environment. The rules don\u2019t constantly change and the parents act relatively stably. Growing up in a predictable environment supports the development of self-efficacy: If I can accurately predict what will happen in my home, I learn that my mind is useful and trustworthy\u2014and when I trust my mind, I grow confident in my capability. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (<\/strong>Shortform note: In Attached<\/em><\/a>, Levine and Heller add that growing up in a predictable environment also encourages secure attachment<\/a>, which studies show correlates positively with self-esteem<\/a>: If your parents are available and responsive to your needs, you develop an expectation that others will also care about your needs.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Parents should express love<\/strong> through their words, behavior, and emotions. <\/strong>A child who receives love learns that they are worthy of love; a child who doesn\u2019t receive love learns that they are unworthy of love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Try learning your child\u2019s love language, which Gary Chapman defines in The 5 Love Languages<\/em><\/a> as the types of actions that make him feel the most loved<\/a>. Chapman\u2019s book focuses on how to speak your partner\u2019s love language, but his advice is applicable to everybody\u2014including your children.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n Expressing love through touch is especially effective. This is partly because touch is preverbal, so you can use it on children who are too young to understand words. Additionally, touch is physical: If you lovingly touch me, I know that you love me<\/em>\u2014not some abstract version of me\u2014because I can feel you doing so. Children who are touch-deprived often don\u2019t feel loved; they think that someone who really<\/em> loved them would touch them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Touch may also be effective because of its physiological effects: Being touched lowers your heart rate, relaxes you, and encourages dopamine<\/a>, a hormone related to pleasure.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Parents should accept their children <\/strong>by listening to and recognizing what the child wants, feels, and thinks. Branden explains that children who are accepted learn to accept themselves. In contrast, children whose parents reject them learn to reject themselves: They agree with their parents so as not to lose their love. You don\u2019t have to be enthusiastic about or agree with every desire your child has. For example, you don\u2019t have to love football because your kid wants to play professionally. But you do<\/em> have to accept that he <\/em>loves it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Modern psychologists emphasize that recognizing and accepting your child\u2019s needs doesn\u2019t<\/em> mean always giving in to their desires<\/a>\u2014a parenting strategy that can backfire because it ultimately diminishes the respect your kids have for you.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n 4.<\/strong> Parents should respect their children<\/strong> by treating them politely: Don\u2019t use language to your child that you would never use to an adult\u2014like telling her she\u2019s \u201cdumb\u201d for forgetting something. Branden explains that by treating your child and the people around them with respect, your child learns that it\u2019s standard to treat both themselves and others with respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Modern parenting<\/a> experts argue that, in an attempt to respect their children, many parents have gone too far in the other direction: Parents ask <\/em>children to do things instead of telling <\/em>them what to do<\/a>. This strategy works for trivial decisions, but not for important decisions<\/a> like eating healthily. For example, children who are asked <\/em>to eat healthily learn that they\u2019re in control and only eat what they want, which can lead to long-term health issues.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n 5. Parents should provide their children with reasonable rules and expectations. <\/strong>You should be able to explain why these rules exist and update them to age-appropriate levels as your child grows. Branden rejects the notion that letting your child run free encourages healthy self-esteem. Instead, he contends that by setting boundaries<\/a>, you reassure children that they\u2019re safe because someone appropriate is in control. So boundaries<\/em> encourage self-esteem; a lack of boundaries encourages not self-esteem but insecurity and anxiety<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In 12 Rules for Life<\/em><\/a>, Peterson contends that by not teaching your kids boundaries, you\u2019re effectively outsourcing that training to society<\/a>, which is far less tolerant than you are. For example, if you don\u2019t teach your child how to control her temper, other children may refuse to play with her.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n 6. Parents should praise their children descriptively, or \u201cappreciatively,\u201d instead of judgmentally, or \u201cevaluatively.\u201d <\/strong>Branden contends that if your praise includes some kind of judgment, you create dependence<\/a>: The child learns to evaluate their worth by what others think<\/em>. But if you praise a child without expressing judgment, you both encourage behavior that supports self-esteem and teach the child to rely on their own <\/em>judgment\u2014which encourages self-esteem. To do this specifically describe the praiseworthy behavior, then let the child draw their own conclusions<\/strong>. For example, if a picky eater tries broccoli for the first time, say, \u201cYou couldn\u2019t touch anything green three weeks ago, but today you ate broccoli.\u201d The child will conclude that they did a good job\u2014and since you\u2019re praising their efforts, they\u2019re more likely to expend effort in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Similarly, in Mindset<\/em><\/a>, psychologist Carol Dweck recommends praising your children for what they\u2019ve achieved through practice and persistence<\/a>, keeping your focus on how <\/em>they succeeded or improved. Dweck explains that if you praise a child\u2019s intelligence or ability, you imply you\u2019re proud of them for some inherent trait\u2014and your child may develop resistance to difficult challenges<\/a> that may expose that trait\u2019s weakness.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n 7. Parents should criticize their children\u2019s <\/strong>behavior<\/em><\/strong> instead of judging the child. <\/strong>To do so, state the behavior, state how you feel about the behavior, then state how he can make amends (if applicable). Don\u2019t globalize a single behavior and use it to judge him. For example, don\u2019t tell him he\u2019s lazy because he overslept. This will make your child feel rejected and thus unloved or unworthy, which will reduce his self-esteem. Moreover, if your child believes<\/em> your judgment, he\u2019s more likely to act like what you say he is: If you say he\u2019s mean, he\u2019ll believe he\u2019s mean and so act meanly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In No-Drama Discipline<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>parenting experts Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson recommend approaching parenting mindfully. When your child misbehaves, first ask yourself why <\/em>your child did what he did<\/a> to avoid blowing up at him.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n 8. Parents should encourage a healthy attitude toward mistakes<\/strong>. When your child errs, accept the error instead of reprimanding them. And don\u2019t try to fix the child\u2019s error, either. Give your children the tools they need to rectify the mistake on their own, like by asking leading questions<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In Mindset<\/em><\/a>, Dweck explains that if you have a fixed mindset\u2014a belief that qualities like intelligence are innate and unchangeable\u2014it may be difficult to encourage a healthy attitude toward mistakes because you struggle with failure<\/a>. She recommends developing a growth mindset<\/a>\u2014a belief that you can improve your abilities\u2014by creating a fixed-mindset persona<\/a> to remind you that this isn\u2019t who you want to be<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Branden warns that unhealthy attitudes toward mistakes lead to damaged self-esteem<\/strong>. Errors are necessary to learning: You must err repeatedly as you practice a skill so you can eventually master it. But if you reject a child whenever he slips up, he may start to reject himself whenever he errs\u2014which reduces his self-esteem. And if you don\u2019t let a child make his own mistakes, he may learn that learning is less important than not failing. This limits his ability to practice several behaviors that generate self-esteem, like self-assertiveness<\/a>. (As you may recall, one way to be self-assertive is to try to master life\u2019s challenges head-on.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: In The Confidence Code<\/em><\/a>, Kay and Shipman contend that you can improve your child\u2019s comfort with mistakes by exposing them to risk slowly<\/a>\u2014then being intentional and constructive when they inevitably fail. For example, don\u2019t push your child off a boat to teach her how to swim; take her to the pool and let her practice without yelling at her for being a bad swimmer.)<\/p>\n\n\n\nHow Parents Can Nurture Self-Esteem<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n