{"id":66994,"date":"2022-06-14T15:36:25","date_gmt":"2022-06-14T19:36:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=66994"},"modified":"2022-06-14T21:50:25","modified_gmt":"2022-06-15T01:50:25","slug":"the-6-pillars-of-self-esteem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-6-pillars-of-self-esteem\/","title":{"rendered":"What Are the 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How does self-esteem affect mental health? What are some things you can do to improve your self-esteem<\/a>? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In modern times, most of us believe that improving our self-esteem is essential to our psychological health. According to psychotherapist and self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden, low self-esteem<\/a> is the underlying reason behind many psychological issues. He posits that there are six pillars of self-esteem: Live with Awareness<\/a>, Accept Yourself, Take Responsibility, Assert Yourself, Live Intentionally, and Act with Integrity<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how you can improve your own self-esteem by practicing the 6 pillars of self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Pillar #1: Live With Awareness <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The first of the 6 pillars of self-esteem is to live consciously, or live with awareness. To do so, look <\/em>for information about all the realities that affect your life, accept them, and act<\/strong> accordingly<\/strong>. For example, you take control of your finances<\/a> by checking your bank account and adjusting your budget as needed. If you don\u2019t look for this information, you\u2019re not living with awareness; you\u2019re choosing ignorance. If you learn relevant information and don\u2019t react appropriately, you\u2019re also<\/em> not living with awareness\u2014you\u2019re still denying reality on some level.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Consider developing a consistent system to help you pay attention to and act on the realities of your life, like the one that life coach Brendon Burchard recommends in High Performance Habits<\/em><\/a>: Every week, chart your work-life balance<\/a> by ranking your happiness levels in 10 areas, like work and family, then write down your goals<\/a> for the next week in each area.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Branden explains that living with awareness is the foundation of self-esteem. Every day, you make decisions that either do or don\u2019t demonstrate a commitment to conscious living: You live with awareness by not buying a drink you can\u2019t afford, or by not avoiding a necessary but tough conversation. Each decision either nurtures or chips away at your self-esteem\u2014and, collectively, they determine your self-esteem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Branden\u2019s explanation suggests that living with awareness improves your self-esteem by improving your self-efficacy: You react appropriately to your reality, so you make better decisions<\/a>. With each good decision you make, you gather evidence that you\u2019re capable\u2014which increases your confidence that you\u2019ll be capable in the future, and thus your self-esteem.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillar #2: Accept Yourself<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Branden\u2019s second pillar of self-esteem is to accept yourself by choosing not to live in conflict with yourself. (<\/strong>Shortform note: Like Branden, psychologist Tara Brach argues in Radical Acceptance<\/em><\/a> that accepting yourself<\/a> is critical to overcoming feelings of unworthiness<\/a>: You must recognize your desires and dislikes without <\/em>judging yourself for them<\/a>.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

 <\/strong>Self-acceptance happens on three different levels, says Branden.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. You\u2019re on your own side<\/strong>. On some fundamental level, you\u2019re born believing that your life is worth fighting for, and this belief propels you to make the behavioral changes necessary to improve self-esteem. (Shortform note: In You Are A Badass<\/em><\/a>, success coach Jen Sincero implies that we may lose this belief as we age because we absorb messages from those around us that make us stop trusting our instincts and fill us with self-doubt<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. You\u2019re willing to experience <\/strong>all<\/em><\/strong> your emotions and behavior<\/strong>\u2014both good and bad\u2014even if you disapprove<\/em> of some. This is essential because you can only change what you accept: If you deny that some unpleasant reality exists<\/em>, you won\u2019t try to change it. (Shortform note: In The Power of Now<\/em><\/a>, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle also extols the importance of accepting unpleasant realities\u2014otherwise, you\u2019ll wish for something else, which will create pain and prevent you from moving forward. However, Tolle emphasizes accepting the situation<\/em> you\u2019re in at a particular moment<\/a>\u2014not an aspect of yourself, like self-esteem.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. You treat yourself with kindness <\/strong>by accepting your poor behavior, then empathetically questioning why<\/em> you behaved poorly. (Shortform note: In Nonviolent Communication<\/em><\/a>, psychologist Marshall Rosenberg recommends asking yourself, \u201cWhat unmet need prompted me to act that way?\u201d) This questioning allows you to address the root cause of your mistakes, so you\u2019re less likely to repeat them. And by being kind, you avoid damaging your self-esteem even more than your poor behavior did already. (Shortform note: Treating yourself with kindness may also benefit the people around you: New mothers who treat themselves with kindness when they make mistakes may encourage friends<\/a> who give birth after they do to do the same.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillar #3: Take Responsibility<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Branden\u2019s third pillar of self-esteem is to practice self-responsibility, or take responsibility in all areas of your life. Branden explains that when you take responsibility<\/strong>, you take ownership of your life, behavior, and well-being.<\/strong> (Shortform note: In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck<\/em><\/a>, Mark Manson argues that taking responsibility<\/a> will make you happier because you\u2019ll feel empowered even in the worst situation<\/a>.)  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To do so, face your life actively rather than passively, which manifests in the following: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. You are productive.<\/strong> You understand that you must achieve independence<\/a> by working. So you ask yourself: What can I do? How can I improve my current state? (Shortform note: If you hate your job<\/a> and thus struggle to be productive, try redefining work as any activity you do that aligns with your purpose<\/a>, as Joseph R. Dominguez and Vicki Robin do in Your Money or Your Life<\/em><\/a>. Accepting that you may never get paid for your true interests motivates you to find a different job that funds them and frees you to work on them for fulfillment instead of pay.)  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. You think independently.<\/strong> You analyze others\u2019 opinions, only repeating them if you believe and understand them. (Shortform note: When analyzing others\u2019 opinions, don\u2019t automatically criticize them<\/a>, which educators Mortimer J. Adler and Charles Van Doren warn against in How to Read a Book<\/em><\/a>. They note that, in order to have a productive conversation, you must fully understand<\/em> the author\u2019s argument before you criticize it.) Similarly, you proactively find solutions instead of waiting for instructions. (Shortform note: To find an effective solution, The Oz Principle<\/em><\/a> authors recommend pinpointing the root of the issue<\/a> so you\u2019re not wasting your time on superficial aspects.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. You are responsible for reaching your goals<\/a>.<\/strong> You understand that only you <\/em>can develop and implement a plan to achieve your goals<\/a>. (Shortform note: In Getting Things Done<\/em><\/a>, productivity expert David Allen offers a six-level model of prioritizing<\/a> for effectively scheduling the tasks that support your goals.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Branden contends that taking responsibility is essential both to self-esteem and to your general well-being for three reasons. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. If you don\u2019t take responsibility, you won\u2019t feel like you control your life\u2014so you can\u2019t feel capable or worthy, which self-esteem requires. (Shortform note: The Happiness Advantage<\/em><\/a> author Shawn Achor adds that feeling control over your life is essential to happiness and success<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Unless you acknowledge that your self-esteem is your responsibility, you won\u2019t take the actions necessary to raise it. (Shortform note: One life coach lists several warning phrases<\/a> that may indicate that you\u2019re holding others responsible for your self-esteem, such as \u201cIf only\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s their fault.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. If you don\u2019t take responsibility, you might wait for someone to save you instead of fixing your own life\u2014but since this person will never appear, your life will never improve. (Shortform note: Even if someone does <\/em>show up to save you, it may not improve your life. \u201cWhite knights\u201d try to \u201csave\u201d their romantic partners by fixing all their problems, but they often engage in harmful behaviors<\/a>, like controlling their partner under the pretense of helping them.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillar #4: Assert Yourself<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Branden\u2019s fourth pillar of self-esteem is to assert yourself by expressing what you want, need, and value in appropriate ways.<\/strong> You don’t speak or act in ways incongruous with your thoughts or beliefs\u2014and when this involves opposing others, you express this refusal politely. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While asserting yourself<\/a> requires confidence, in Crucial Conversations<\/em><\/a>, the authors specify that it also requires humility<\/a> if you\u2019re opposing others: You must be humble enough to realize that you don\u2019t know everything<\/a> and that your opinion is a starting point for discussion.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Branden contends that various elements of asserting yourself improve your self-esteem. For example, since self-assertion involves thinking for yourself and acting accordingly, living with awareness (Pillar 1) is an act of self-assertion.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Branden\u2019s discussion suggests that asserting yourself in general <\/em>improves your self-esteem by reinforcing its two elements: capability and worthiness. You only assert yourself if you believe that you\u2019re capable of generating good ideas and that they\u2019re worthy of expression.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillar #5: Live Intentionally<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Branden\u2019s fifth pillar of self-esteem is to live purposefully<\/a>, or live intentionally. Branden explains that when you live with intention<\/a>, you don\u2019t just react<\/em> to what happens: You proactively decide what your long-term goals are, create plans to achieve them, then implement those plans<\/strong>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In Atomic Habits<\/em><\/a>, habits expert James Clear warns that creating and following goals may be ineffective for long-term change. Once you reach the goal, you stop performing the behavior\u2014which sends you right back to square one. Instead, Clear recommends creating identity-driven habits:<\/a> Decide who you want to be, then create systems to support that identity.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Branden explains that living intentionally improves your self-esteem by improving your confidence in your capability<\/strong>. You develop this confidence through the intentional process<\/em> of achieving specific goals, not<\/em> the achievement <\/em>itself: If you win a race, your confidence rises not because you won but because you were able to create and follow a winning training plan. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Working on small behavioral changes\u2014not massive long-term goals\u2014may give you more opportunities to live intentionally and thus have a greater impact on your self-esteem. Plus, according to The Compound Effect<\/em><\/a> author Darren Hardy, consistently maintaining small changes often leads to the most dramatic results<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Pillar #6: Act With Integrity<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Branden\u2019s sixth and final pillar of self-esteem is to act with integrity, meaning that you strive to behave in ways that reflect your values. <\/strong>Additionally, <\/strong>since you can only live by your values<\/a> if you know what they are, living with integrity<\/a> involves examining why<\/em> you have certain values and changing them if necessary\u2014like if you hold a value you learned from others but no longer believe in. (Shortform note: In Awaken the Giant Within<\/em><\/a>, Robbins recommends creating a value hierarchy<\/a>. When you\u2019re clear on which of your values are the most important to you, you can actively pursue the ones that will fulfill you the most.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Branden warns that when you act without integrity, you damage your self-respect and thus your self-esteem<\/strong>. By rejecting the behavior your own mind<\/em> deemed right, you reject yourself and lose self-respect. This is true even if nobody else knows about your bad behavior. (Shortform note: In reality, how others perceive you also impacts your behavior: In Atomic Habits<\/em><\/a>, Clear explains that we often behave in certain ways because we want to fit in with different groups<\/a>.)  <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How does self-esteem affect mental health? What are some things you can do to improve your self-esteem? In modern times, most of us believe that improving our self-esteem is essential to our psychological health. According to psychotherapist and self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden, low self-esteem is the underlying reason behind many psychological issues. He posits that there are six pillars of self-esteem: Live with Awareness, Accept Yourself, Take Responsibility, Assert Yourself, Live Intentionally, and Act with Integrity.  Here’s how you can improve your own self-esteem by practicing the 6 pillars of self-esteem.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":38222,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,43],"tags":[624],"class_list":["post-66994","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Are the 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"According to Nathaniel Branden, there are 6 pillars of self-esteem. 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