{"id":66679,"date":"2022-05-11T14:40:00","date_gmt":"2022-05-11T18:40:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=66679"},"modified":"2025-09-03T14:22:18","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:22:18","slug":"how-to-control-emotions-and-feelings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-control-emotions-and-feelings\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Control Emotions and Feelings\u2014Yours & Others"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to control your emotions<\/a> and feelings? Did you also know you can also intimidate your competition by doing this as well?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If strong enough, emotions and feelings can negatively impact your self-esteem and motivation. However, if you use your emotions for good, you can hype yourself up while taking out the competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s Tim Grover’s advice on how to control your emotions and feelings, along with your competition’s, from his book Relentless<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of Shortform\u2019s guide to emotional intelligence<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Controlling Emotions<\/strong> and Feelings<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Grover explains that you can direct your instincts to help control emotions. Directing your instincts to control emotion is crucial for consistent relentlessness because as we\u2019ve discussed, strong emotions like fear and uncertainty<\/a> can cause you to freeze up or doubt yourself\u2014preventing you from acting relentlessly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While Grover argues that blocking out emotions will help you act decisively and confidently, psychological research contrasts with this idea. In Descartes\u2019 Error<\/em><\/a>, Antonio Damasio explores the role of emotions and feelings in decision-making<\/a>. He researched people unable to experience emotion due to brain damage and found that they have trouble making simple decisions, often taking hours<\/em> to do so. This contrasts with Grover\u2019s argument that fewer emotions will make you more decisive. However, one could view Grover\u2019s argument as a recommendation to avoid emotions<\/a> that prevent decisiveness (such as fear) rather than to block out emotion altogether.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below, we\u2019ll explain Grover\u2019s guidelines for how to control emotions and feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Use Intense Focus<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Grover explains that acting instinctively helps you control your emotions because it activates intense focus,<\/strong> a state of mind where you block out all emotions except for focused, determined anger. <\/strong>Acting instinctively helps you activate intense focus because you won\u2019t have time to think and distract yourself. Intense focus only allows anger through\u2014Grover argues that anger motivates you to overcome obstacles<\/a> and succeed, so it helps you instead of getting in your way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Grover suggests that acting on instinct will help you avoid strong emotions, but many psychologists provide a contrasting view. Research around panic suggests that it comes from a \u201cfight or flight\u201d response<\/a>\u2014our natural, instinctual response to potential danger. In other words, instinct can create<\/em> strong fearful emotions if you\u2019re not able to direct it into intense focus.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grover says that activating intense focus involves a different method for each individual, but tends to involve one of these three: getting angry, staying calm, or staying positive. We\u2019ll now explore how these three can help activate intense focus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Method #1: Get Angry<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Grover explains that you can activate intense focus by finding a challenge that stirs up anger in you and forces you to focus intently on beating it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, Grover mentions that he would often insult unstoppable people he worked with or bring up their insecurities. This would challenge them to prove him wrong\u2014a challenge they would meet by activating intense focus. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Using Anger to Overcome: The 2,500 Year Debate<\/strong>

Grover\u2019s claim that you can channel anger towards productive action touches on a long-running philosophical and psychological debate on the subject. Philosophers from ancient Rome\u2019s Seneca (On Anger) to modern day Martha Nussbaum (Anger and Forgiveness) argue against the use of anger, claiming that it’s a destructive and selfish desire that will get in the way of any productive action. 

On the other hand, works ranging from Aristotle\u2019s Rhetoric to bell hooks\u2019 killing rage argue that anger allows you to recognize obstacles and inspires you to overcome them. Psychological research also suggests that anger plays an essential role in motivating you to survive and overcome adverse situations. By indicating that you can use anger to activate intense focus, Grover seems to align himself with the latter group.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Method #2: Stay Calm <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

To help yourself focus intensely, Grover recommends you work to stay calm instead of getting excited or hyped up. By staying calm, you can more easily control your emotions to focus intensely. Grover recommends you stay calm by keeping consistent routines and avoiding new people or situations if you know you\u2019ll need to focus intensely. This way you don\u2019t have to deal with anything unexpected that might make you emotional. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example: If it\u2019s the night before a big presentation, stick to your normal nighttime routine instead of trying anything new or being around different people. This way, you won\u2019t have to deal with any extra emotion or pressure from new situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Chip and Dan Heath (The Power of Moments<\/em><\/a>) further expand on Grover\u2019s argument that routines are important for staying calm and acting instinctively. They explain that routines help you stay calm because they prepare automatic responses to high-pressure situations<\/a>. These prepared responses mean that when you experience tense moments (like a big presentation), you\u2019ll act out your response on autopilot. This way, you won\u2019t have to plan while in a tense moment, something that often leads to panic and uncertainty.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Method #3: Stay Positive<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

While not thinking is the goal of intense focus, if it\u2019s not possible in a given moment then Grover recommends instead focusing on positive thoughts<\/a> like happy and relaxing memories. These allow you to stay calm and prevent emotions like fear from holding you back<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Grover\u2019s recommendations in this section might confuse you, since feeling happy or calm conflicts with being angry. To clarify, Grover claims that each person has their own<\/em> way to activate intense focus, not that everyone should use all three methods.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Control Emotions and Feelings to Intimidate Others<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You can also control the emotions and feelings of your competition by intimidating others with the decisiveness that comes from mastery and directed instincts. <\/strong>Your mastery will intimidate competitors because it allows you to adapt and deal with whatever they do.<\/strong> Additionally, the instant and decisive nature of your instinctive action will intimidate competitors by forcing them to deal with situations they didn\u2019t expect. This intimidation will instill fears and self-doubts in your competition that will prevent them from acting relentlessly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Not every discipline would benefit from the kind of intimidation Grover recommends\u2014many disciplines are more collaborative than they are competitive. For example, child care and teaching benefit extensively from collaboration<\/a> in most cases, while competition only helps in specific circumstances<\/a>. So, while it may benefit you to direct your emotions to intimidate in a competitive<\/em> setting, you may want to direct your emotions to inspire or encourage in a collaborative<\/em> setting.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you want to know how to control your emotions and feelings? Did you also know you can also intimidate your competition by doing this as well? If strong enough, emotions and feelings can negatively impact your self-esteem and motivation. However, if you use your emotions for good, you can hype yourself up while taking out the competition. Here’s Tim Grover’s advice on how to control your emotions and feelings, along with your competition’s, from his book Relentless.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":6855,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,9,43],"tags":[619],"class_list":["post-66679","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-motivation","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-relentless","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Control Emotions and Feelings\u2014Yours & Others - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you want to know how to control emotions and feelings to feel better about yourself? 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